Blessed Sunday to you, although some of you might not see this until Monday.
I don't think a Sunday passes without me remembering details of Sunday's long ago. You remember Sunday's as a child, don't you? Sunday's were church days for my family and many of my friends. There was Sunday School followed by morning worship. Many Sunday lunches, or dinners, were at one grandparents or the other. Fried chicken, green beans, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese with huge biscuits and the sometime banana pudding for dessert made for good eating and excellent preparation for a nap. On occasion though we might have dinner just ourselves. Evening church began after the nap and Training Union. But naps were not in my plan.
Every now and then I am reminded that in the last century many innovations were touted as the harbinger of "the life of ease." What with modern conveniences becoming so prevalent in homes, so the thought went, we would have so much more time for leisure. What does experience show us? We need to be wary of the enticement to hold anything the world offers as solving our problems. If anything, it seems they create more problems. Let me say that my issue is not with the technology, just on our gullibility at its ability to satisfy.
We have forgotten. I do not state that which we have forgotten because the list is long, but I can summarize. It is the same accusation the "one like the son of man" speaks against the church at Ephesus in Revelation 2. We have forgotten our first love. Regardless of the other actions, omissions, or thoughts with which we have moved far from God, it is only because we have forgotten "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one," (Deuteronomy 6:4).
In big ways and small ways we forget he is our only source for life. We forget he has freed us to new life as his child. We forget we were purchased at the cost of his life. We forget that his sacrifice makes us clean. We fail to remember that it is his grace that justifies us before God, and being clothed with the righteousness of Christ, we find rest, blessed rest, and restoration for our soul. And in the act of forgetting, we seek our worth in all that which can never save. Remembering can begin with "it is not about me; it is about you, O God, for you are holy."
Fatigue has begun to set in, more as the week wore on. Still I am doing well, provided I can remember to take my meds (I nearly missed it three times last week). But now week one of the three week cycle is done. This week likely will bring the lowest point of immunity for me, so I'll be on guard for that. I was sleeping better later in the week, probably due to the fatigue. Still, this past week was another good week. Your prayers offered up on my behalf carry me as God strengthens me and gives me peace for the day. God bless you all now and forever as you show him forth.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
The Sovereign God
Day three of the current treatment and no issues thus far. I do still have the tingling in the tips of my fingers, and any cold drink has to be left to come to near room temperature before I can drink it. I have also had a few restless nights, another possible side effect. But I am not certain that the restlessness is due to the chemo. Regardless, I have not yet faced some of the more troublesome side effects. Yet, I say.
I've just finished reading Unger's "Noah Webster: The Life and Times of an American Patriot." I was struck by how early in our country's young existence our government began it's long slide away from the founder's intent and design. I don't share many of the sentiments of the honorable Mr. Webster, but like him I too worry at the direction our government is taking this nation, the seemingly unbridled depravity of men on both sides of the issues, and how this will impact future generations.
I can no more see what is in store for our America than I can tell what is in store for me and my disease. I was asked earlier today about how we (I) deal with the dark moments. I had told again of our first meeting with Dr Felice, how his description of myr condition left us with the understanding that, medically speaking, the goal of therapy was maximum benefit, leading to chronic illness. He quickly added that he did not discount miracles and he urges setting "hopeful goals." We had a similar discussion last week with the PA who met with us to talk about this round of chemo.
As I heard again that we are after maximum benefit, and that we would be on treatment until the chemo became ineffective. I had the realization that I will be on chemo, likely for the rest of my life, unless God does heal me, that while we are expectant that each progressive round of treatment will have arresting effects on the cancer, the ultimate aim of treatment could be said to be prolonging life. After recounting this earlier today, the question was asked: how do I respond in the face of this?
Maybe it sounds too pat, but I believe God. If what is revealed about him through his word is true, then he is capable of anything he so chooses to do, even to say "no." and even when he answers "no," there is good for his children, and glory for him. If I only see God as a god who grants whatever I ask, then I have a god of my making. Seen another way, a god that only gives what we want cannot be known as just, righteous, holy. There is no allowance that this kind of god would allow bad things to happen, because it doesn't fit with our notion of good or right.
Thankfully, God truly is sovereign, with everything subject in submission to him and his will. He is holy, righteous and just. And he loves with a perfect love, which he freely pours out on his own. He is our only source of strength, peace and comfort, and he meets our every need for our daily life. He is present with each of us as we face whatever this life brings our way.
Tonight I got to give back, ineptly I might add, to my best friend. As we sat and talked about the last few weeks, it was revealed that there has been more worry that has been acknowledged heretofore. Many circumstances have contributed to this: the visit to Georgetown, the loss of a school friend to Stage IV colon cancer, and othe circumstances not related to the cancer - factors just the same. The difference between now and a year ago is that now there is known this disease, a reality that was not our experience then. So it suggests something of an urgent situation where questions abound about readiness and what is to follow for this family should this disease take me.
See the paragraph immediately above. God is with us. We both know his comfort and peace, even as the despair creeps in. We cannot see what is prepared for us beyond this moment, but we know the One who does see for he has so ordered his creation and he is active in it, working all things for redemption, reconciliation and restoration. So while we give in to the recorder and let our fear and despair have its momentary run, yet we believe God will mightily sustain us - indeed he has already done so. His word, his promises are true and his is faithful to accomplish all he said he would. I have no fear, for he is with me.
I am thankful that my best friend confided this to me tonight. Over the nearly twenty- five years of marriage, we have grown strong in our faith, strong in our love. Cynth is normally the more rational one, so it was a gift to me that we had this talk tonight. Nothing was resolved about preparation we should make, but we have begun to talk. I pray asking God for increased strength as we continue to seek his counsel and peace on this journey.
I love you bunches, Cynth, and I thank God for his blessing of you into my life.
I've just finished reading Unger's "Noah Webster: The Life and Times of an American Patriot." I was struck by how early in our country's young existence our government began it's long slide away from the founder's intent and design. I don't share many of the sentiments of the honorable Mr. Webster, but like him I too worry at the direction our government is taking this nation, the seemingly unbridled depravity of men on both sides of the issues, and how this will impact future generations.
I can no more see what is in store for our America than I can tell what is in store for me and my disease. I was asked earlier today about how we (I) deal with the dark moments. I had told again of our first meeting with Dr Felice, how his description of myr condition left us with the understanding that, medically speaking, the goal of therapy was maximum benefit, leading to chronic illness. He quickly added that he did not discount miracles and he urges setting "hopeful goals." We had a similar discussion last week with the PA who met with us to talk about this round of chemo.
As I heard again that we are after maximum benefit, and that we would be on treatment until the chemo became ineffective. I had the realization that I will be on chemo, likely for the rest of my life, unless God does heal me, that while we are expectant that each progressive round of treatment will have arresting effects on the cancer, the ultimate aim of treatment could be said to be prolonging life. After recounting this earlier today, the question was asked: how do I respond in the face of this?
Maybe it sounds too pat, but I believe God. If what is revealed about him through his word is true, then he is capable of anything he so chooses to do, even to say "no." and even when he answers "no," there is good for his children, and glory for him. If I only see God as a god who grants whatever I ask, then I have a god of my making. Seen another way, a god that only gives what we want cannot be known as just, righteous, holy. There is no allowance that this kind of god would allow bad things to happen, because it doesn't fit with our notion of good or right.
Thankfully, God truly is sovereign, with everything subject in submission to him and his will. He is holy, righteous and just. And he loves with a perfect love, which he freely pours out on his own. He is our only source of strength, peace and comfort, and he meets our every need for our daily life. He is present with each of us as we face whatever this life brings our way.
Tonight I got to give back, ineptly I might add, to my best friend. As we sat and talked about the last few weeks, it was revealed that there has been more worry that has been acknowledged heretofore. Many circumstances have contributed to this: the visit to Georgetown, the loss of a school friend to Stage IV colon cancer, and othe circumstances not related to the cancer - factors just the same. The difference between now and a year ago is that now there is known this disease, a reality that was not our experience then. So it suggests something of an urgent situation where questions abound about readiness and what is to follow for this family should this disease take me.
See the paragraph immediately above. God is with us. We both know his comfort and peace, even as the despair creeps in. We cannot see what is prepared for us beyond this moment, but we know the One who does see for he has so ordered his creation and he is active in it, working all things for redemption, reconciliation and restoration. So while we give in to the recorder and let our fear and despair have its momentary run, yet we believe God will mightily sustain us - indeed he has already done so. His word, his promises are true and his is faithful to accomplish all he said he would. I have no fear, for he is with me.
I am thankful that my best friend confided this to me tonight. Over the nearly twenty- five years of marriage, we have grown strong in our faith, strong in our love. Cynth is normally the more rational one, so it was a gift to me that we had this talk tonight. Nothing was resolved about preparation we should make, but we have begun to talk. I pray asking God for increased strength as we continue to seek his counsel and peace on this journey.
I love you bunches, Cynth, and I thank God for his blessing of you into my life.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Good And Bad
Now Day One of the new regimen is in the books. For the first five minutes of the Oxaliplatin IV drip I was to watch for signs of side effects. Nothing materialized except some fatigue, that is until we left the building.
One of the side effects, just as it was with Irinotecan, is temperature sensitivity. Even before leaving the oncologist's office, breathing through my mouth resulted in a very mild cold sensation in my mouth. As we exited the building another side effect manifested itself. The tips of my fingers began tingling anytime I touched anything - door knobs, handles, or frames, cups, bags, my clothes. If I didn't touch anything for a while, the feeling would disappear, but the reappear with the next touch. Lastly, the temperature sensitivity was found to affect my mouth and throat when drinking something with ice in it. Oddly, it felt as though any cold drink was super-carbonated, bubbling in my mouth and throat. I found that holding it in my mouth awhile would help, but the best solution is to let the drink get to room temperature.
Now to the weather. Since about 8:30 or so tonight it has been sleeting with a bit of snow mixed in. We have a chance for about three inches, depending on whether the systems stays farther north. It would be nice to have a little more snow before Spring comes.
In the true fashion of "Real Men Don't Read Instructions," I neglected to make sure of the dosage for the Xeloda this morning, so I didn't get the full dose today. We'll catch up tomorrow. I also messed up putting together something for Rachael, but I didn't get so far I couldn't correct it.
Speaking of Rachael, she just turned fifteen Saturday, which means she shares her birth date with Trevor Bayne. Since I guess that many of you won't know who Trevor Bayne is, I'll tell you. Before I do, I must make the obligatory disclaimer. When I was much younger, Uncle Runt would on occasion take me to the local speedway for stock car races. You know the kind: amateur drivers who modified old cars to try to break into the big series by winning local races, hopefully drawing the attention of the big racing conglomerates. But really was never a fan of NASCAR.
Caleb had a generalization for a suspected meaning of NASCAR that wasn't very flattering to farmers, but I'll decline to use it here. Especially since I watched some of the Daytona 500 Sunday, including the finish. I cannot explain what compelled me to watch the race, but watch I did, and I must say I enjoyed what I saw. What I enjoyed more than anything, though, was the finish, when Trevor Bayne crossed the finish line, becoming the youngest person to win the Daytona 500.
This just-turned-twenty years old rookie had only one other win, in a NASCAR Camping World East Series race in 2008. Starting from sixteen rows back, Trevor Bayne held on through 74 lead changes and twenty different leaders, 60 caution laps and 16 caution flags (all track records) to win the race one day after his twentieth birthday. The win is the first for the Virgina-based Wood Brothers Racing in ten years. Even not being a NASCAR fan, this was a wonderful finish to watch.
In the post-race interview, Bayne professed his faith in Christ and said he had led his team in prayer all through the week. He acknowledges his relationship with Christ is the most important thing in his life, even ahead of this or any other win that will just fade away. We all should be so bold to praise God for that which is good in our life. If we don't, we cannot ever hope to praise him in the storms, the one place we need to see and acknowledge his presence and work. Do you see him in the tumult? Do you feel him there? Be bold to acknowledge him in all the times of your life.
One of the side effects, just as it was with Irinotecan, is temperature sensitivity. Even before leaving the oncologist's office, breathing through my mouth resulted in a very mild cold sensation in my mouth. As we exited the building another side effect manifested itself. The tips of my fingers began tingling anytime I touched anything - door knobs, handles, or frames, cups, bags, my clothes. If I didn't touch anything for a while, the feeling would disappear, but the reappear with the next touch. Lastly, the temperature sensitivity was found to affect my mouth and throat when drinking something with ice in it. Oddly, it felt as though any cold drink was super-carbonated, bubbling in my mouth and throat. I found that holding it in my mouth awhile would help, but the best solution is to let the drink get to room temperature.
Now to the weather. Since about 8:30 or so tonight it has been sleeting with a bit of snow mixed in. We have a chance for about three inches, depending on whether the systems stays farther north. It would be nice to have a little more snow before Spring comes.
In the true fashion of "Real Men Don't Read Instructions," I neglected to make sure of the dosage for the Xeloda this morning, so I didn't get the full dose today. We'll catch up tomorrow. I also messed up putting together something for Rachael, but I didn't get so far I couldn't correct it.
Speaking of Rachael, she just turned fifteen Saturday, which means she shares her birth date with Trevor Bayne. Since I guess that many of you won't know who Trevor Bayne is, I'll tell you. Before I do, I must make the obligatory disclaimer. When I was much younger, Uncle Runt would on occasion take me to the local speedway for stock car races. You know the kind: amateur drivers who modified old cars to try to break into the big series by winning local races, hopefully drawing the attention of the big racing conglomerates. But really was never a fan of NASCAR.
Caleb had a generalization for a suspected meaning of NASCAR that wasn't very flattering to farmers, but I'll decline to use it here. Especially since I watched some of the Daytona 500 Sunday, including the finish. I cannot explain what compelled me to watch the race, but watch I did, and I must say I enjoyed what I saw. What I enjoyed more than anything, though, was the finish, when Trevor Bayne crossed the finish line, becoming the youngest person to win the Daytona 500.
This just-turned-twenty years old rookie had only one other win, in a NASCAR Camping World East Series race in 2008. Starting from sixteen rows back, Trevor Bayne held on through 74 lead changes and twenty different leaders, 60 caution laps and 16 caution flags (all track records) to win the race one day after his twentieth birthday. The win is the first for the Virgina-based Wood Brothers Racing in ten years. Even not being a NASCAR fan, this was a wonderful finish to watch.
In the post-race interview, Bayne professed his faith in Christ and said he had led his team in prayer all through the week. He acknowledges his relationship with Christ is the most important thing in his life, even ahead of this or any other win that will just fade away. We all should be so bold to praise God for that which is good in our life. If we don't, we cannot ever hope to praise him in the storms, the one place we need to see and acknowledge his presence and work. Do you see him in the tumult? Do you feel him there? Be bold to acknowledge him in all the times of your life.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Monday Rain
I am sitting in the chemo room looking out toward the south at a grey sky, anticipating rain and maybe snow later today. I should tell you that grey days don't bother me. I find them as full of God's beauty as the cloudless day we had here Friday. So I can say that "Rainy Days and Mondays" (Carpenter's, 1971) don't get me down. Since I began this post it has begun drizzling. What a sight!
Interestingly, the weather is one thing upon which I agree with Lennon and McCartney. In 1966 they released "Rain" as a B-side to their single, "Paperback Writer." this song was notable for its sound texture and the use of backward vocals. "Rain," according to Lennon describes people's dissatisfaction with the weather, regardless of the weather. More than this, I love the way God's favor is portrayed in his word. God tells us that he will send "the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing," by his covenant with his "sheep" in Ezekiel 34:26. In Joel 2:28, we read the God will "pour out" his Spirit on all mankind. "Pour out." A picture of emptying oneself, like the complete emptying we are to accomish so we can be filled with him.
There is much to fret over, worry about, be anxious of, when God is not our all. I do not mean we shouldn't be concerned with the brokenness of this world. The effects of the fall continue to be displayed in the faces and actions of all mankind. But God is reveLed as sovereign over all things. We know from our own experience that a supreme leader exercises control over the forces acting on his people and his land, but that in as a finite ability. You have no further to look than today's leaders and how they are struggling with issues beyond their control.
God, in his infallible, inerrant word is revealed as the sovereign king, lord over all. There is nothing outside of his control. Because God is love and also just, the events that unfold here must be understood in the context of his love and justice. This is perfectly seen in the Book of Job and also many of the Psalms. Rain is good and beneficial for all, though for some it is always taken as an inconvenience and a source of sadness.
It has been 251 days since our diagnosis and 229 days since we first began treatment. God has given us Nearly seven and a half good months surviving this journey. We are now beginning a new chapter, this being the first day of the new chemo regimen. With this comes heightened watchfulness for changes and effects that may need to be countered. New treatment, just as each day is new, just as his blessings and mercies are new each day. What is not new is our prayers for healing and for minimal side effects to this new therapy. Nor are the prayers for continued and increasing strength and peace as each day dawns new. Our trust that God continues steadfast with us to work in us his perfect plan is ever our banner for his glory. We Thank you for praying with us and ask for God to bless you as you go in his might.
Interestingly, the weather is one thing upon which I agree with Lennon and McCartney. In 1966 they released "Rain" as a B-side to their single, "Paperback Writer." this song was notable for its sound texture and the use of backward vocals. "Rain," according to Lennon describes people's dissatisfaction with the weather, regardless of the weather. More than this, I love the way God's favor is portrayed in his word. God tells us that he will send "the showers in their season; they shall be showers of blessing," by his covenant with his "sheep" in Ezekiel 34:26. In Joel 2:28, we read the God will "pour out" his Spirit on all mankind. "Pour out." A picture of emptying oneself, like the complete emptying we are to accomish so we can be filled with him.
There is much to fret over, worry about, be anxious of, when God is not our all. I do not mean we shouldn't be concerned with the brokenness of this world. The effects of the fall continue to be displayed in the faces and actions of all mankind. But God is reveLed as sovereign over all things. We know from our own experience that a supreme leader exercises control over the forces acting on his people and his land, but that in as a finite ability. You have no further to look than today's leaders and how they are struggling with issues beyond their control.
God, in his infallible, inerrant word is revealed as the sovereign king, lord over all. There is nothing outside of his control. Because God is love and also just, the events that unfold here must be understood in the context of his love and justice. This is perfectly seen in the Book of Job and also many of the Psalms. Rain is good and beneficial for all, though for some it is always taken as an inconvenience and a source of sadness.
It has been 251 days since our diagnosis and 229 days since we first began treatment. God has given us Nearly seven and a half good months surviving this journey. We are now beginning a new chapter, this being the first day of the new chemo regimen. With this comes heightened watchfulness for changes and effects that may need to be countered. New treatment, just as each day is new, just as his blessings and mercies are new each day. What is not new is our prayers for healing and for minimal side effects to this new therapy. Nor are the prayers for continued and increasing strength and peace as each day dawns new. Our trust that God continues steadfast with us to work in us his perfect plan is ever our banner for his glory. We Thank you for praying with us and ask for God to bless you as you go in his might.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Times They Are a-Changing
And so my treatment is changing, too. We begin on Monday, taking the first of two pills (Xeloda) per day for fourteen days. Then we go to the oncologist for a three-hour infusion of Oxaliplatin. The second Xeloda is taken in the afternoon. There is a week break after day fourteen, so it amounts to a three week cycle. The anticipated side effects are essentially the same as before, and there is reason to believe that my tolerance of the earlier chemotherapy will indicate how this next chemotherapy will be tolerated. This is because Xeloda and Oxaliplatin are near cousins to the 5FU and Irinotecan. So change comes again.
A good day today although I was slightly more tired after the appointment. I did have a great but short visit with a young member of our church. I also talked to my grandmother. Elva sounded great and she says she hasn't fallen in over a week. That is good news. Lastly, I received a much anticipated "Toto" CD from my brother (in-law). Thanks, Jeff. I've already imported it to iTunes and I am looking forward to hearing it tomorrow during work.
As we thought before today's appointment, God continues to bless us. I know beyond any doubt that many are praying, lifting us and requests for healing to our Heavenly Father. I feel his presence, experience his peace, and know his strength. And that is enough for these times that are changing.
A good day today although I was slightly more tired after the appointment. I did have a great but short visit with a young member of our church. I also talked to my grandmother. Elva sounded great and she says she hasn't fallen in over a week. That is good news. Lastly, I received a much anticipated "Toto" CD from my brother (in-law). Thanks, Jeff. I've already imported it to iTunes and I am looking forward to hearing it tomorrow during work.
As we thought before today's appointment, God continues to bless us. I know beyond any doubt that many are praying, lifting us and requests for healing to our Heavenly Father. I feel his presence, experience his peace, and know his strength. And that is enough for these times that are changing.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Tomorrow Is Another Day
And with that closing line, moviegoers attending the 1939 Atlanta premier had hope restored. Restored after witnessing the tumultuous and often dark events that make up Margaret Mitchell's "Gone With the Wind." For Cynth and I, our hope keeps us looking forward and up. Tomorrow we have another teaching appointment like the one we had in late June before we began chemo. We should find out lots of info, some which will increase our confidence, some that may feed the trepidation that comes with something new and uncertain. But it is another day.
And if God wills, another will follow it. Another day full of opportunity for proclaiming him. So it doesn't really matter what comes during the day. All that there is is under God's sovereign control, so why should tomorrow be a concern?
It is a concern because we are too attached to this world, this life and all it's entrapments that we fret over the knowledge that it is temporary, and we want it to be, we need it to be permanent. We fill our schedules with the things we plan to do and then worry when there is the slightest interruption. God does just that. He interrupts our "busy-ness" so we have a new opportunity to seek him. Sometimes the circumstances he allows are such that we have no other course available to us but his arms of comfort.
I thank him that he interrupted my life many years ago to reveal my need of his grace, that he keeps interrupting me to show me the many ways that I still don't get it. I praise him for his leading me to experience his mercy anew each day, deeper than before.
Tomorrow is another day, and it will be his day. Before it is over, I may fail him in every opportunity, but I enter it in his power, not mine. And he is with me. So tomorrow is another day, it is a day he has made. I will rejoice.
And if God wills, another will follow it. Another day full of opportunity for proclaiming him. So it doesn't really matter what comes during the day. All that there is is under God's sovereign control, so why should tomorrow be a concern?
It is a concern because we are too attached to this world, this life and all it's entrapments that we fret over the knowledge that it is temporary, and we want it to be, we need it to be permanent. We fill our schedules with the things we plan to do and then worry when there is the slightest interruption. God does just that. He interrupts our "busy-ness" so we have a new opportunity to seek him. Sometimes the circumstances he allows are such that we have no other course available to us but his arms of comfort.
I thank him that he interrupted my life many years ago to reveal my need of his grace, that he keeps interrupting me to show me the many ways that I still don't get it. I praise him for his leading me to experience his mercy anew each day, deeper than before.
Tomorrow is another day, and it will be his day. Before it is over, I may fail him in every opportunity, but I enter it in his power, not mine. And he is with me. So tomorrow is another day, it is a day he has made. I will rejoice.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Easy
Without any idea of breaking my pattern of writing, I believe I have been a bit overdue. Okay, maybe more than a bit overdue.
When I began this blog, the intent was to provide updated information - what the doctors would tell us, how I was feeling, physical things that were going on. As the days went on, though, I found a great deal of strength and peace as I discovered this blog as a way to share not only my current physical story, but how God was revealing himself to me through this illness. Sometimes, the moments of my life - past and present - would be used to impress God's truth on my situation. This then becomes a way for me to show what God continues to do with a broken creature.
Broken, you ask? Sure. Broken in that I bear the effects, the marks of the Fall. We all do. A cup that has a small hole cannot hold liquid very well. It does not perform the task it was designed to perform. I do not do naturally that which I was created for. Can anyone of us say that we do? Even as the redeemed, the adopted sons and daughters of Holy God, we have trouble with our broken nature. Nothing is easy.
In 1967, "Hair" opened off-Broadway. The next year, this rock musical that addressed social, political and religious issues opened on Broadway for a run of 1,750 performances. Although I do not espouse or approve of the positions demonstrated by this play, there is a song that comes from the play that provokes some thought. One year after the play opened on Broadway, Three Dog Night recorded "Easy to Be Hard," one of the band's eleven Top Ten hits over the seven years of its popular run. The song asks the question "How can we be so cruel to each other?" The answer? It is easy to be hard, easy to be proud, easy to be cold, easy to say no.
Today's message spoke directly to this. From the passage in John 15, Jesus is telling his disciples, and us who now await his return, how they can live once he is no longer physically with them. That is, to abide in his love. We must believe that we are in union with Christ, like the branches are with the vine in his illustration. And we have communion with Christ as we keep his commandments and experience his love, the same way that he experienced the Father's love and then loved the disciples. We don't experience God's love because he is pleased with us when we are obedient to him. Rather, we experience God's love just because, because he has chosen to love us, and we are obedient because of that love and that flowing out of us, so that we have abundant joy.
Easy to be hard? Yes. It takes a supernatural event to change us so that we can show love and compassion without any thought of getting back. It takes the supernatural to change our heart so that we love those who do us wrong instead of looking for revenge. It takes the supernatural to fashion our heart so that we love because we have been loved. That supernatural is that God first loved us, and now he lives in our heart, and we have union with him through Jesus his Christ, and our joy is full because we are one with God's beloved.
Our appointment at Georgetown began with Cynth and I each feeling that we did not belong there. She had sent an email the night before to her BSF leader, and included a verse from their Isaiah study that had become important as we waited for word about the next course. Isaiah 41:10 in the NIV reads, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you by my righteous right hand." Cynth's leader wrote back using the New American Standard version of this verse because if the picture it presents of our fretting. It reads like this: "Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And yet here Cynth and I both, without saying so to each other, were "looking anxiously about" us, and letting what we observed in the facilities and people gathered there cloud our spirits, bringing us near to fear, or at least discouragement. I had even said to myself, "God, how did we get here?" I had begun to think of ways to get out of going through with the appointment. Even then God's truth that he was with me, that he would strengthen me, stayed me and quieted my spirit. We met with the doctors, and learned that, although there were a few possible trials that would be at the least interesting to see how I would respond given that I've only had the one type of treatment, they felt there were still too many good options of standard care for me. Cynth and I confessed our thoughts as we left, and then we saw God's hand in providing that opportunity to hear another doctor review our history and provide potential courses of treatment. We also saw his hand in closing that door.
So now we go to Medical Oncology and Hematology of Northern Virginia to see Dr Felice again. This time to learn about the next step of treatment, likely a modified regimen of what I was on before, but we'll know more on Wednesday.
Someone asked me earlier about how we've experienced God's love through this. Certainly it has been in the provision of doctors and appointments every step of the way. And we have experienced it in the love of his people, in the prayers offered up, the phone calls, the cards, the meals. Lastly, we know his love in the opportunities given to share him with so many others, now a primary purpose of this blog. I ask you to pray with me for Herbie, my step-father Bob, Emmett, Sid, and the family of a friend of Cynth's who this week passed into God's presence. And pray with me that this blog will be a tool used by God to build his kingdom. God bless you all.
When I began this blog, the intent was to provide updated information - what the doctors would tell us, how I was feeling, physical things that were going on. As the days went on, though, I found a great deal of strength and peace as I discovered this blog as a way to share not only my current physical story, but how God was revealing himself to me through this illness. Sometimes, the moments of my life - past and present - would be used to impress God's truth on my situation. This then becomes a way for me to show what God continues to do with a broken creature.
Broken, you ask? Sure. Broken in that I bear the effects, the marks of the Fall. We all do. A cup that has a small hole cannot hold liquid very well. It does not perform the task it was designed to perform. I do not do naturally that which I was created for. Can anyone of us say that we do? Even as the redeemed, the adopted sons and daughters of Holy God, we have trouble with our broken nature. Nothing is easy.
In 1967, "Hair" opened off-Broadway. The next year, this rock musical that addressed social, political and religious issues opened on Broadway for a run of 1,750 performances. Although I do not espouse or approve of the positions demonstrated by this play, there is a song that comes from the play that provokes some thought. One year after the play opened on Broadway, Three Dog Night recorded "Easy to Be Hard," one of the band's eleven Top Ten hits over the seven years of its popular run. The song asks the question "How can we be so cruel to each other?" The answer? It is easy to be hard, easy to be proud, easy to be cold, easy to say no.
Today's message spoke directly to this. From the passage in John 15, Jesus is telling his disciples, and us who now await his return, how they can live once he is no longer physically with them. That is, to abide in his love. We must believe that we are in union with Christ, like the branches are with the vine in his illustration. And we have communion with Christ as we keep his commandments and experience his love, the same way that he experienced the Father's love and then loved the disciples. We don't experience God's love because he is pleased with us when we are obedient to him. Rather, we experience God's love just because, because he has chosen to love us, and we are obedient because of that love and that flowing out of us, so that we have abundant joy.
Easy to be hard? Yes. It takes a supernatural event to change us so that we can show love and compassion without any thought of getting back. It takes the supernatural to change our heart so that we love those who do us wrong instead of looking for revenge. It takes the supernatural to fashion our heart so that we love because we have been loved. That supernatural is that God first loved us, and now he lives in our heart, and we have union with him through Jesus his Christ, and our joy is full because we are one with God's beloved.
Our appointment at Georgetown began with Cynth and I each feeling that we did not belong there. She had sent an email the night before to her BSF leader, and included a verse from their Isaiah study that had become important as we waited for word about the next course. Isaiah 41:10 in the NIV reads, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you by my righteous right hand." Cynth's leader wrote back using the New American Standard version of this verse because if the picture it presents of our fretting. It reads like this: "Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not look anxiously about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you. Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
And yet here Cynth and I both, without saying so to each other, were "looking anxiously about" us, and letting what we observed in the facilities and people gathered there cloud our spirits, bringing us near to fear, or at least discouragement. I had even said to myself, "God, how did we get here?" I had begun to think of ways to get out of going through with the appointment. Even then God's truth that he was with me, that he would strengthen me, stayed me and quieted my spirit. We met with the doctors, and learned that, although there were a few possible trials that would be at the least interesting to see how I would respond given that I've only had the one type of treatment, they felt there were still too many good options of standard care for me. Cynth and I confessed our thoughts as we left, and then we saw God's hand in providing that opportunity to hear another doctor review our history and provide potential courses of treatment. We also saw his hand in closing that door.
So now we go to Medical Oncology and Hematology of Northern Virginia to see Dr Felice again. This time to learn about the next step of treatment, likely a modified regimen of what I was on before, but we'll know more on Wednesday.
Someone asked me earlier about how we've experienced God's love through this. Certainly it has been in the provision of doctors and appointments every step of the way. And we have experienced it in the love of his people, in the prayers offered up, the phone calls, the cards, the meals. Lastly, we know his love in the opportunities given to share him with so many others, now a primary purpose of this blog. I ask you to pray with me for Herbie, my step-father Bob, Emmett, Sid, and the family of a friend of Cynth's who this week passed into God's presence. And pray with me that this blog will be a tool used by God to build his kingdom. God bless you all.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
A Brighter Dawn
In case you are wondering, yes, I am posting in the middle of the Super Bowl. I should have started this during the halftime show, but it was kind of like looking at a train wreck. So here I am watching the game and bloging. There are some important details I should apprise you of.
We have an appointment tomorrow at Georgetown University and the Lombardi Cancer Center for a consultation about a clinical trial. In another God moment, Cynthia was running a little late on Thursday, and was at home when the call came from Dr. Felice's office to tell us they were faxing our records to Georgetown and we should expect a call from them soon. Cynthia called to tell me that and within the hour, a nurse from Georgetown called to get additional information from me before setting up an appointment. So we'll know more by tomorrow evening.
Yesterday I began to have some stomach trouble, sort of that "upset stomach" feeling. But it really took off with a vengeance late last night after about 3:30AM. Combined with a scratchy throat this morning, we missed worship today and communion. At the moment, I am feeling some better, especially after a bath earlier. Before that, Cynth and I watched some of the coverage of the Centennial Celebration of the Birthday of Ronald Reagan.
As a high school senior when Reagan ran for president, there was worry that, especially with the situation in Iran and the hostages that had been in captivity for over a year, the draft for military service might be reinstated. A visit to a local ROTC office did not offer much assurance that ROTC enlistment would offer any delay from entry into service, if it came to that. As it happened, shortly after Reagan was sworn in as the fortieth president, those hostages were released. A short two years later, I would have an experience with a club at Clemson that would forever change my direction in life.
It was my four months participating in the Clemson Rangers that helped me understand service before self, one of the core principles of my chosen service, the USAF. Another two years later, and I was on my way to Tyndall Air Force Base in Panama City, FL for Air Force Field Training, a seven week encampment that was to be the beginning of my ROTC training. For the last two years of Reagan's presidency, I was a second lieutenant and had received an assignment at Davis-Monthan AFB.
During those eight years of the Reagan presidency, I found I shared his love of America as well as his vision for America's continued prosperity. He was always sincere, especially in his relationship with Mrs. Reagan. In 2005, when he passed away, we took the children to DC to get in line for the viewing in the Capitol Rotunda, leaving the mall at about 2:45AM without ever making it to the viewing.
Reagan would not think of himself as exceptional, although he was exceptionally prepared for his time on the world stage. Today the coverage of the Centennial Celebration mentioned several times the impact Reagan continues to have on America and politics today. Even though Reagn has been shown to be a great man, he knew that there was one greater than he, one who really was sovereign over events. Reagan would acknowledge God in his open letter to the American people after his diagnosis with Alzheimer's.
Last week I was asked if I was afraid. The person asking the question thought that the unknown of what was next in store for treatment might lend to fear of the uncertainty. Even though there are moments of fear, Cynth and I have our confidence in our Lord, who has been ever faithful over our lives as we trust him for everything, even the peace for facing the future when we cannot see. We, like President Reagan, are confident that a brighter dawn is ahead.
We have an appointment tomorrow at Georgetown University and the Lombardi Cancer Center for a consultation about a clinical trial. In another God moment, Cynthia was running a little late on Thursday, and was at home when the call came from Dr. Felice's office to tell us they were faxing our records to Georgetown and we should expect a call from them soon. Cynthia called to tell me that and within the hour, a nurse from Georgetown called to get additional information from me before setting up an appointment. So we'll know more by tomorrow evening.
Yesterday I began to have some stomach trouble, sort of that "upset stomach" feeling. But it really took off with a vengeance late last night after about 3:30AM. Combined with a scratchy throat this morning, we missed worship today and communion. At the moment, I am feeling some better, especially after a bath earlier. Before that, Cynth and I watched some of the coverage of the Centennial Celebration of the Birthday of Ronald Reagan.
As a high school senior when Reagan ran for president, there was worry that, especially with the situation in Iran and the hostages that had been in captivity for over a year, the draft for military service might be reinstated. A visit to a local ROTC office did not offer much assurance that ROTC enlistment would offer any delay from entry into service, if it came to that. As it happened, shortly after Reagan was sworn in as the fortieth president, those hostages were released. A short two years later, I would have an experience with a club at Clemson that would forever change my direction in life.
It was my four months participating in the Clemson Rangers that helped me understand service before self, one of the core principles of my chosen service, the USAF. Another two years later, and I was on my way to Tyndall Air Force Base in Panama City, FL for Air Force Field Training, a seven week encampment that was to be the beginning of my ROTC training. For the last two years of Reagan's presidency, I was a second lieutenant and had received an assignment at Davis-Monthan AFB.
During those eight years of the Reagan presidency, I found I shared his love of America as well as his vision for America's continued prosperity. He was always sincere, especially in his relationship with Mrs. Reagan. In 2005, when he passed away, we took the children to DC to get in line for the viewing in the Capitol Rotunda, leaving the mall at about 2:45AM without ever making it to the viewing.
Reagan would not think of himself as exceptional, although he was exceptionally prepared for his time on the world stage. Today the coverage of the Centennial Celebration mentioned several times the impact Reagan continues to have on America and politics today. Even though Reagn has been shown to be a great man, he knew that there was one greater than he, one who really was sovereign over events. Reagan would acknowledge God in his open letter to the American people after his diagnosis with Alzheimer's.
Last week I was asked if I was afraid. The person asking the question thought that the unknown of what was next in store for treatment might lend to fear of the uncertainty. Even though there are moments of fear, Cynth and I have our confidence in our Lord, who has been ever faithful over our lives as we trust him for everything, even the peace for facing the future when we cannot see. We, like President Reagan, are confident that a brighter dawn is ahead.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Old Days
"I miss those days."
And with that statement my mind traveled back many miles and many years. The occasion of the statement was the family dining next to us, a family that included a little girl no more than two years old. She had come in with her mother, and after ordering her food was busy checking everything out. She was not so busy though to miss the special person coming through the door, and as quickly as she saw him she shouted out, "Daddy!"
It was obvious from the reunion that he was the world to her. She loved her mother, you could tell. But Daddy was her world. And I thought about the time in a child's life when the parent(s) is/are all in all to the child. It is a period that doesn't last long, relatively speaking. But what an awesome time. You often feel like a super hero, and when you feel down, that greeting and those arms make the troubles seem farther away.
That is a perfect picture of our relationship with our heavenly father. God is to be everything to us, not just when life is good nor only when we are suffering. Actually, I cannot understand how someone might praise God for their life of ease, but not have faith enough that God is sufficient to weather the storms that undoubtedly come. He alone is our justification and it is in him that we have our meaning. Though there is much in this life we enjoy, take pleasure in and find fulfillment with, we are not to seek or find our deepest, purest satisfaction from any other thing. He gave up everything for us. I rejoice in giving him my life to do with as he will.
Do we ever call out to God as the child in the restaurant did? Do our arms reach out to him?
When bad things do happen to us, we must choose to see God working though the pain and suffering to work his will in us to his great glory. We should go to him as a child to his father, acknowledging that he alone makes all things right. His ultimate act of mercy, carrying the believer home, may be the very thing he orders to glorify himself. We just don't know, this side of Glory. As our Father, he welcomes us to bring all our supplications to him. We should take him our fears, our doubts, even our frustration that gives way to anger. He knows already how bad your hurt - he suffered, too - and so we give it all over to him, our life -warts and all - so he can make us into something beautiful to his glory.
Tonight we were able to attend Home Fellowship Group, the first time since just before my diagnosis in June. It was wonderful to be back among this group who love us so much. It was hard, though, to hear the recent trials and sufferings of my good friend, Mark. I want to ask all of you to pray specifically for Mark as he continues to struggle with the disease that is robbing him of that which he prized, taxing Kim of much in her life, and changing Kate's high school years. What is happening should not be, but even in their face-off with this trial, God is good and continues to bless them in many ways.
I miss those days. Those days long gone when life didn't seem so hard. Although those days are now only faded pictures, and our recollection might be clouded, God has blessed our days.
How do we greet the day?
And with that statement my mind traveled back many miles and many years. The occasion of the statement was the family dining next to us, a family that included a little girl no more than two years old. She had come in with her mother, and after ordering her food was busy checking everything out. She was not so busy though to miss the special person coming through the door, and as quickly as she saw him she shouted out, "Daddy!"
It was obvious from the reunion that he was the world to her. She loved her mother, you could tell. But Daddy was her world. And I thought about the time in a child's life when the parent(s) is/are all in all to the child. It is a period that doesn't last long, relatively speaking. But what an awesome time. You often feel like a super hero, and when you feel down, that greeting and those arms make the troubles seem farther away.
That is a perfect picture of our relationship with our heavenly father. God is to be everything to us, not just when life is good nor only when we are suffering. Actually, I cannot understand how someone might praise God for their life of ease, but not have faith enough that God is sufficient to weather the storms that undoubtedly come. He alone is our justification and it is in him that we have our meaning. Though there is much in this life we enjoy, take pleasure in and find fulfillment with, we are not to seek or find our deepest, purest satisfaction from any other thing. He gave up everything for us. I rejoice in giving him my life to do with as he will.
Do we ever call out to God as the child in the restaurant did? Do our arms reach out to him?
When bad things do happen to us, we must choose to see God working though the pain and suffering to work his will in us to his great glory. We should go to him as a child to his father, acknowledging that he alone makes all things right. His ultimate act of mercy, carrying the believer home, may be the very thing he orders to glorify himself. We just don't know, this side of Glory. As our Father, he welcomes us to bring all our supplications to him. We should take him our fears, our doubts, even our frustration that gives way to anger. He knows already how bad your hurt - he suffered, too - and so we give it all over to him, our life -warts and all - so he can make us into something beautiful to his glory.
Tonight we were able to attend Home Fellowship Group, the first time since just before my diagnosis in June. It was wonderful to be back among this group who love us so much. It was hard, though, to hear the recent trials and sufferings of my good friend, Mark. I want to ask all of you to pray specifically for Mark as he continues to struggle with the disease that is robbing him of that which he prized, taxing Kim of much in her life, and changing Kate's high school years. What is happening should not be, but even in their face-off with this trial, God is good and continues to bless them in many ways.
I miss those days. Those days long gone when life didn't seem so hard. Although those days are now only faded pictures, and our recollection might be clouded, God has blessed our days.
How do we greet the day?
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