Before the LORD

Here is an update for those who haven't yet heard. The oncologist's office called on Friday to tell us they found a couple of possible trials. More on that to come. In the interim, if I am to continue with chemo, it will be FOLFOX instead of the FOLFIRI I had been on for the thirteen treatments now completed. A slight change, and I have no reason at the moment to believe it would have any other adverse effect on me than the FOLFIRI. So we continue to wait. God is good.

Caught up with another good friend today, someone I hadn't seen in quite awhile. I told them about my illness and they thought initially that I was kidding. Everyone, my doctors included, find it amazing that I am doing so well, especially after thirteen treatments of chemo. They are all still amazed that I am working. You readers who've been following this site for a little while know the secret: God answers prayer, and thus far his answer has enabled me to continue to work, and also given me the occasional burst of energy to help around the house.

God's presence with us has also compelled Cynth and me to rest as best we can in the promises he has given us throughout his Word. Many times I find that doubt creeps up on me, enticing me to give in and spiral down into fear. God continues to hear those doubts and fears as I take them to him and I am renewed in his strength. And so we go onward toward whatever he intends for us in this journey.

I am often asked how the children are doing with this. We believe they are watching us and taking their cue from what they observe in us. By the way, we are not hiding any of our doubting and fear from them. We tell them of the very frank conversations we've had, anyhow we continue to trust God just as we have from the beginning. One thing I keep stressing is God's perfect plan that results in his glory and our good, even when we cannot understand it.

It is near impossible for us to see the good in pain, sickness, death, disaster or countless
other evils that brokenness thrusts upon humanity. We have to trust God and his Son who is our only hope to be able to see good. We also have to learn a new definition of good. If God is not God and Jesus is not the Christ, then what can be used as the basis for good? Where then would be our hope? Certainly every temporal thing fails us, disappoints us, and confounds us. Even our own hearts turn after that which we know deep down cannot ever satisfy us. Even Mick Jagger and the Rolling Stones know this.

So you trust in God. Is that it? If, when you trust him you also empty yourself of your idols and give him your whole heart, the throne of your life, the yes. We need to be filled, under the influence of God the Spirit so we can see, even slightly, the good in those things we cannot ever imagine as being good. And with a right understanding, that is,'God's understanding of good, we begin to see that God does work his will and perfect plan for our good.

So, while Cynth and I wait for the next phase of treatment per our doctors, join with us as we pray for healing,for minimal side effects, for continued strength to work and carry out as close to normal days as possible. I have asked that you pray with us for the following: Elva, Joe, Pam, Debbie, Mark, Rick, Steve, Frank, Marie, Dan, Dennis, Olivia, Justin, Doris Anne, Jane, John, Tucker, Hugh, Robin, Leah, Aaron, Tom, Danny, Hooker, Mike, "Pig," Miriam, my co-workers nephew and all their families, Darrel and Claudia and their son and his family, Cynthia (another), Mark (a co-worker's brother), a co-worker's infant daughter, Mike and Tonya, my parents and my sisters and their families, Cynthia's mom and sister and her family, Delores and the entire Kyle family. Please add to this list Shirley's grandmother and my Aunt Gail to this list of people who are struggling with many of the effects of brokenness.

A few weeks ago as I was walking through discouragement, Cynth shared a passage with me that reminded me of where we go for help. For background, Hezekiah, King of Judah, has just received a distressing message from Assyria. Notice the progression of Hezekiah's actions.

Hezekiah received the letter from the hand of the messengers, and read it; and Hezekiah went up to the house of the LORD, and spread it before the LORD.  And Hezekiah prayed to the LORD:

"O LORD of hosts, God of Israel, enthroned above the cherubim, you are the God, you alone, of all the kingdoms of the earth; you have made heaven and earth.  Incline your ear, O LORD, and hear; open your eyes, O LORD, and see; and hear all the words of Sennacherib, which he has sent to mock the living God.  Truly, O LORD, the kings of Assyria have laid waste all the nations and their lands, and have cast their gods into the fire. For they were no gods, but the work of men's hands, wood and stone. Therefore they were destroyed.  So now, O LORD our God, save us from his hand, that all the kingdoms of the earth may know that you alone are the LORD."

May it always be that we go first to God, give him our praise for all that he has wrought in our lives, and spread our petitions before him.

A Wonder

Lost is over. I know it has been nearly a year since the last episode of the last season, but we've just finished the series on DVD, courtesy of Aaron and his collection. While viewing the series, Cynth and I talked about the episodes as questions would arise, as well as discussing the meaning behind some of the plot or dialogue. There was plenty to talk about as most of the elements dealt with spiritual matters, if not Christian.

One of the most often elements was that "we are here for a purpose." Another popular element was that one character after another would be told they were "special" and that they had something important to do. Into these elements, the characters brought their baggage, the stuff of their lives. It often demonstrated that the events that made up their lives prepared them uniquely for their purpose, or it presented a growth opportunity.

Tonight we watched a Veggietales video with Rachael, "It's A Meaningful Life," their version of "It's A Wonderful Life." The story is similar. A character wishes that one event early in life had turned out different, and he is shown how that would have changed so many things about him and the people he cares so much about. He is admonished that God created him special and ordered the things in his life precisely and specifically for his plan for him.

Haven't I been saying similar things in this space? We all are created uniquely and in God's image. Over our life we develop as God designs for the purpose he is fitting us for, even those who don't yet confess him. We develop by the events of our life - some we handle well, others get the better of us, but after all, we are human and our best isn't ever good enough. So we're brought to the place where God reveals to us how desperately we need him to save us. And although he does reach us in our depravity, justifies us with Christ's righteousness, we continue the struggle that commenced when we first drew breath and were confronted by the realization that things here are not as they should be.

We all want things to be perfect, in some cases that is our brand of perfection which may or may not coincide with God's perfection. Individuals, corporations and governments all spend lots of money, time and effort to bring about perfection. They fail. They fail because as man they're flawed. Only one has been perfect and he is even now restoring the perfection that was lost. Until then, perfection is found in submitting oneself to God in the place where he has put you, doing what he has designed for you to do throughout your life.

For me,Cynth, our kids, family and friends, that place is this cancer and whatever it may bring. Of course it is not what we want. If it were, where would be the submission to God's will and the denying of our own? Is it defeatist to claim God's promise for good in the face of what we consider bad? To painfully but boldly pray " as God wills for his glory," do we give up? If we give voice to the pain, hurt, fear, discouragement and even anger at the wrong we experience, do we live as those without hope? No!

God wants us to be that real, I need to be that real for my own sake. Thanks to God, I am truly being blessed to be increasingly transparent. Being so I feel my need for him - his salvation, his presence, his strength, his comfort, his peace - and I am renewed. I am renewed to praise him for this opportunity, for walking with me, for giving us you to walk this path with us. Praise God for this meaningful life.

Call on Me

I've already mentioned Chicago (the band) in this space before, so I beg your pardon for being repetitive. I have one offhand songs in my head just now and it is not going away. Their ninth top ten single was "Call On Me" from Chicago VII. This album had many distinctive characteristics.

First, the album began as a jazz project, and even thought the first disc is almost entirely jazz, the album became their third album to reach number one. It was the first double album of new material since Chicago III, and their last double studio album (so far). It is unique in that each band memeber contributed to the material. All of the songs were written only by the band members. "Call On Me" has the distinction of being the first song written by trumpet player Lee Loughnane, the last original band member to be credited as a composer.

Also from that album, "(I've Been) Searchin' So Long," the first single released four months prior to "Call On Me." The singer in one line of this song says, "I've been searchin' so long
to find an answer now I know my life has meaning . . ." It seems as though this "meaning" is what the songwriter has been looking for for so long.

Jeremiah had a very tough job. All of the prophets conveyed messages of judgement against Israel or Judah, as well as many nations surrounding them. It is not often that a positive message would come from a prophet. But Jeremiah contains at least one of those promising messages. Judah is carried off into exile in Babylon, and as a whole content to just be. Be where they are, be them selves, be waiting for deliverance. They could simply wallow in their mourning of their exile. And some did. It appears that there were many who did not pursue the normal activities of life.

So God says to them, "Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: Build houses and live in them; plant gardens and eat their produce. Take wives and have sons and daughters; take wives for your sons, and give your daughters in marriage, that they may bear sons and daughters; multiply there, and do not decrease. But seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf, for in its welfare you will find your welfare. For thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel: Do not let your prophets and your diviners who are among you deceive you, and do not listen to the dreams that they dream, for it is a lie that they are prophesying to you in my name; I did not send them, declares the Lord. For thus says the Lord: When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me a with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the Lord, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and all the places where I have driven you, declares the Lord, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile."

God firsts tells those in exile to live - plant gardens, build houses, marry. He tells them that their well being is dependent upon the welfare of their captors, those who invaded their land, blinded their king and now subjects them to servitude. He then commands them to not listen to those that say that their exile would be short. After explaining his plan for their exile, he gives them words of promise full of hope. It is only after God has told them what they must endure that he says they will call on him, he would hear, they would seek him and he would be found, that he would gather them from where he had sent them.

God created us for relationship with him. With the fall, still created in his image, we have this deep longing for him. He knows we will call on him. He anticipates our searching for him. And even in our brokenness and slavery to sin, seeking for our significance, joy and security in everything but God, we know that the world cannot offer anything to satisfy. When we call on him and seek him, we are changed - a new beginning.

Our calling on him continues, even today when we know firsthand the assurance of his Word. The CEA mark test is slightly (the doctor's word) higher than the last time we had the test. Slightly higher, I believe, means a couple of tenths, not whole points. The oncologist thus assumes that the cancer has found a way to thwart the current chemotherapy therapy, a possibility that was not unexpected.

So we are walking down to paths simultaneously for now: option one is to seek out a clinical trial, probably at Georgetown University Hospital, that I qualify for and that the oncologist is happy with. If one is found, I should begin treatment (I think) around February 9 or so. Option two is a modification to current chemotherapy, the addition of a stronger drug in a pill that I take in conjunction with the chemotherapy.

Not exactly the new we were hoping for, but it is not bad news, either. And either way, we are blessed beyond our wildest imaginings by the faithful work of God through each circumstance and also by all the love shown to us through the body of Christ. We continue to call on him for our sustenance and seeking him for the comfort of his presence. And we have this promise, that he will hear and he will be found. All praise, honor and glory to our great God.

Promises of Good

So many of you ask from time to time what specifically would we ask prayer for. First, it is so wonderful, and very humbling to have so many asking and praying for even the general things. It is also wonderful and humbling to know that many are praying for specific action on our behalf. We know firsthand the power of prayer. There are many examples of answered prayer, even those that were answered not as we had hoped. We see God at work throughout the length, breadth and height of our life. We might not understand his work and how it fits in his economy, but just seeing the answers and his work are enough for us.

Here is something specific to pray for, but first a little background.

You will remember that the scans I have had to date have revealed what was suspected to be scar tissue in my lungs, possibly from a long ago infection. The scan I had on January 7 at Fair Oaks INOVA showed that two nodules in my right lung, upper lobe, had grown by 8mm from the reference scan taken on our earlier visit, November 7. The radiologist interpreting the scan suggested that the growth over the preceding two months were likely metastatic disease, or cancer. But our visit with our oncologist, Dr Felice, last Friday gave other options.

He ordered a CEA blood test. This is the test for the cancer markers. To paraphrase Dr Felice, if the score comes back at or near the same levels as the last test, then it may be that the nodules are some infection that has been awakened due to the suppressed immune system, so he will refer me to a pulmonologist, who can run some other tests to determine what the nodules are. If the CEA score is higher than the previous test, the assumption is that the nodules are cancer, that the cancer has stopped responding to this regime of therapy, and he will implement a new regime of therapy. We should have the answers Monday, January 24.

So we ask that you pray that the CEA score is lower than the previous score of 2.2. We also ask that if the score is higher, that God would guide in the decisions regarding the course of action before us, that we would have a full measure of peace and strength impartedto us, and that we would be used by God to magnify him to those around us.

Today we took a trip to Newport News to see Caleb and Megan, and to attend the Sinfonicron Light Opera Company's production of Gilbert & Sullivan's "Patience" at William and Mary. As our first exposure to a full Gilbert & Sullivan work, the production was outstanding. The student production staff and actors put this show together in just two weeks. Now I woud like to see other Gilbert & Sullivan works. Congratulations to all who had a part in this wonderful show.

We have had many good days this past week. Now we wait for the call from our doctor. We're not worried about this. How can we be, since our God is bigger than this, and I know that truly he has already conquered this. To be sure, difficult, dark days may be ahead. But God Has promised good to me, as John Newton wrote. What comfort is provoked by these words:

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found,
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

The earth shall soon dissolve like snow,
The sun forbear to shine;
But God, who call'd me here below,
Will be forever mine.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

Accompanied Walking

The last few days have been good days. A good friend stopped by my office Tuesday and prayed with me; always good. The pain I had been experiencing again earlier in the week has all but disappeared. The discouragement, while a constant threat, has abated. So physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally I am in a good place, all praise to God the Father and Christ the Son and the Holy Spirit for their continuing work in me.

I thank you for your faithfulness in praying with and for us. I am continually in awe of the blessings from God as answers to prayer, prayer that you are offering up. I also thank you for continuing to pray for those I have mentioned in the space before (check my January 9 post for a listing). I need to add the family of a friend of Cynthia's. This friend's brother died suddenly Tuesday leaving behind his wife and two children. Thank you again for your faithfulness.

When Dad died my Mom took on teaching piano at home so she could be home with my sister and me. Her love of music was infectious then, although I never wanted to practice piano, something I am sorry for now. I loved hearing Mom practice for church - she played both piano and organ - and her repertoire covered classical church music (Bach and the like) in addition to church hymnal and (what was then) contemporary favorites. I also loved hearing her play "Malagueña," Debussy, Rachmaninoff or Beethoven. Though I could't appreciate it then, I am glad Mom was so expressive when she played.

I remember once, she was to accompany Mr. Marion Owens for - was it a high school reunion? Regardless, she was going to play for him to sing a song from their high school days. I remember the rehearsal. The song struck me funny because it didn't sound like many of the songs of the day, but then again, I didn't know the song was already quite old. But the words stuck with me, and from time to time, the song came to mind. Years later, I would hear the song as performed by the Righteous Brothers. The lyrics still held me, taking me back to the day when Mom and Mr. Owens rehearsed it at our house.

Still years later, I would watch the Rodgers and Hammerstein movie adaptation of "Carousel" and hear the song in its context. The song has been recorded by many artists, used to close out the Jerry Lewis Telethon, even as a motivational song for soccer clubs around the world. While not written to convey a spiritual truth, "You'll Never Walk Alone" does have redeeming qualities, not the least of which is the beautiful tune. The words go like this:

When you walk through the storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark
At the end of the storm
There's a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on, through the wind
Walk on, through the rain
Though your dreams be tossed and blown
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone
You'll never walk alone

Over the past few weeks I have at times wondered if I was walking alone. God reminds me however in Hebrews 13 "he has said, 'I will never leave you nor forsake you.' So we can confidently say, 'The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?'" The reality is that I have not been walking alone - ever! I strayed, but God has always been faithful to his promise - he has never left my side. If we are his, God will always be with us, and we'll never walk alone.

Patience or Rest?

I know. It's late; too late perhaps to begin this, but I don't think it will take long. As it happens, God has once again shown me that I do not have this patience thing figured out. I don't even get close. And I believe it is wrong to think of the Biblical character of Job as patient. The only place patience had was his long-suffering manner with his so-called friends. He might even be said to be patient waiting for God, but I am not so sure he was really waiting for God.

Our human race has never been prolific at showing patience. We forsook the good God had for us because the enticement of something better that we didn't have to wait for was more than we could handle. What is it that made our first parents nuts when faced with the question? Allow me to take little detour here: yes, the woman might've been deceived by the serpent, but who left her alone? Who had provided her spiritual guidance? Encouraged her walk with God? What was Adam doing instead of what he should've been doing? God's Word is silent on these and other particulars, so we can be confident that we know exactly what he wants us to know: that we determined to be disobedient from thence forward. But I was talking about patience.

A week or so ago, when I was so discouraged about not being allowed to take treatment, I came face-to-face with my sinful nature on so many levels. That same nature was in form on Monday this week as I began to feel the effects of the treatment last week. Apparently, I could not abide feeling whipped with the fatigue, a little upset stomach and a small amount of pain, just like it was two weeks before. There was this little "person," except he wasn't on my shoulder. He was square in the middle of the throne of my heart.

Why he was there baffled me, especially since I thought I had evicted my idols a while ago. Yet there he was. He was pushing me towards the thought that gave rise to the discouragement I have become familiar with. Sadly, I sensed it, and went headlong into discouragement anyway. Knowing full well that as soon as I crossed the threshold he had set for me, I would be abandoned to continue down the spiral, if I allowed it. Thank God that in recognizing the scheme, I was given faith to acknowledge God, to call on him, to remember his promises.

Patience? Not me. But I do grasp at rest, which I believe is the closest we can get to patience. Rest comes with peace, the peace that can't explain calm in the midst of the storm. Rest does not expect answers or resolution, but takes refuge in the arms of him who is active to reconcile all things to himself. In the midst of my discouragement, Jesus lifted me up renewing the hope I have in him, and gave me a measure of strength to walk through this valley, no matter how oppressive. My savior, my rest - here, and for eternity.

Facing the Risks

I believe I've mentioned the work my eldest is doing creating apps for the iPhone. You can check out his work on his web site, guicocoa.com, and purchase his apps from the app store if you like. He was recently featured in an article in a Phoenix paper (http://timespublications.com/jan11-feature2.asp). We are both extremely proud of our children. In addition to Caleb's successes, Aaron continues to be strong in the face of some difficult things in his life, and Rachael has begun auditions for Summer dance intensives. Each of them possess far more confidence than either their Dad or Mom did at their ages.

A recent Wall Street Journal article discussed why Asian families, mainly Chinese, developed such stereotypical successful children (http://online.wsj.com/article_email/SB10001424052748704111504576059713528698754-lMyQjAxMTAxMDEwMTExNDEyWj.html). The article suggested a much stricter regimen for academics and music as the prime reason for their aptitude and success. A follow-up article (http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=%2Fg%2Fa%2F2011%2F01%2F13%2Fapop011311.DTL&ao=4) seem to indicate there though there is a large degree of success, all is not perfect for these families. Other indicators suggest that the children are not that well adjusted, that they may not feel accepted when they don't meet expectations.

Many years ago, as our boys struggled with sports, where both showed some talent, I made a point of saying to them that we only wanted them to be happy in their activities. If they began something, we asked that they see it through for that season. I think I felt that if we permitted them to change in mid-season, when things might get tough, that they would not learn the value of working for what they wanted. And after nearly thirty years I had learned to some small degree the value of hard work for something bigger than myself and derived more satisfaction from jobs well done, regardless of whether the product was flawless or not.

I believe it has more to do with character, this success that we want for our kids. A character that sees the road ahead fraught with risk, possibly pain, certain uncertainty. Only now I know that peering down that road, it is hard to see how this can be for anyone's good. Bur staring down adversity, a phrase many in the sports world uses in interviews, is more than internal fortitude.

It requires something of us - a recognition that the task at hand is far more than just us in a difficult spot. We may not understand all the implications of what is unfolding, but we know that we cannot face it alone. And so the struggle begins. First with ourselves, for we don't want to ask for help. But when we do, it is on our terms alone. We still haven't learned to sacrifice all our pride at the feet of Jesus. That same pride that in the garden decided we didn't really need God.

I highly recommend "The King's Speech" to you. Not only for the story of deep, lasting friendship, but also for the character of the times. I don't plan to spoil the story for you, but I couldn't help making a connection to "National Treasure"'when the main character reads part of a historical document and the girl makes the comment that people no longer "think that way" because the language is lofty and conveys a sentiment that there are always things bigger than ourselves that are worthy of sacrifice to attain and keep. This is true on a national stage, but it is of life and death importance in the sporitual realms.

While it is true that God causes our hearts to soften, leads us to repentance and provides the faith for us to excerise in learning to trust him, there remains work for us to do. Work that we cannot ever do apart from God. In the words of the Michael W. Smith song, we have to find our place in the body, and be prepared to step out by faith and face all the risk ahead knowing that God is with us, and we need only trust in him to accomplish what he asks of us.

Not entirely the message of "The King's Speech" but the application is compatible. In the airplane, we always guarded against complacency, that "ho-hum" feeling that precedes failure. We cannot lose sight of the risk, for that leads to complacency or worse, a turning from the path set before us. Only by submitting to God, allowing the risk to be realized and in the struggle, seeing God as the faithful shepherd guiding us in the work, do we grow, not becoming perfect this side of glory, but growing in the riches of trusting this Holy God that wants good for us, even when it doesn't seems like it to us.

Consider the paths that God lays before you. See the risk and be strengthened by faith that God is working out all the details and leading you to what is in the best for you. Go with praise in your heart that overflows as it did for the Psalmist. And use this time of growth to learn more deeply your need for the love of the Savior that cannot let go.

Losing Them

It is funny now to look back at some of the things I heard growing up. I remember hearing my Grandmother Stansell say, "I just don't things could get any worse." My kids can thank both Jim and Essie (maternal grandparents) for words like "yonder," "reckon," and "spell" as in "set a spell" and "fixing" as in "fixing to." I remember a great deal about both sets of grandparents since I was fortunate enough (blessed?) to spend most of my pre-adult years in their presence and learned a great deal about their lives.

My grandparents preceded those who were dubbed "The Greatest Generation." Theirs was a simple life, my grandparents working in the textile industry of the Piedmont area of South Carolina. Many of that generation were farmers, as were my Step-Fathers parents in Indiana. Something in that generation endowed their children with strong values of duty, honor, country. In many families of this time faith in God was taught and fostered. Many understood sacrifice, and practiced living sacrificially, sharing freely what they had been blessed with by the God they loved.

When I was in the tenth grade, I interviewed Joe, a good friend of my Grandfather Stansell, and a WWI veteran for a World History project. When we lived in Arkansas, we would spend the evening of July 4th at the Riverfront Independence Day Celebration of the Little Rock Symphony and fireworks show. Every year the symphony would play a medley of the US Armed Services songs and veterans from those services would stand and be cheered. and on Veteran's Day, many churches recognize their veterans of all armed conflicts.

According to my research, there are only three verified WWI vets stillmliving and only on of them is American. That same research indicates over two million WWII vets still
Living. Years ago it was not uncommon to have a number of WWII vets, but we are losing these veterans at a rate of approximately 1,000 per day. The Washington Post carried the obituary of one of these on Tuesday: Maj Richard Winters, USA (retired) passed on January 2. He is a featured character in the 2001 HBO mini-series "Band of Brothers."

In the article, MAJ Winters relates a story during an interview of the occasion of Easy Company's arrival at a work camp near Dachau concentration camp. He recalls entering the camp and seeing the prisoners who would not look up, but were everywhere cowed like abused animals. He said it was then that he knew why he was there. Interesting how this story stayed with him after all the intervening years.

Knowing why we are here is an important piece to our identity. Understanding the state of our relationship with God through our being created by him. As believers and those living their faith, knowing why we are here is integral to our union with Christ for it builds on his love for us that took him to the cross. Living by the Spirit, being receptive to the Spirit's leading deepens our awareness of just how depraved is our sin. So as we see us for who we truly are, the Spirit urges us to repentance, deepening the longing to be further ingrafted in Christ to have more of him infuse us. And then we Are compelled to worship the Triune God, just as we were created to do.

God's blessings to all of us who struggle to be there sooner than later. May we each receive an appropriate portion of this union, spirit and praise that we are drawn deeper into our union with Christ.

Making the Grade

Just watched the fifth and sixth episode of the sixth season of "Lost." In episode five, one of the characters comes face to face with a demon from his past. He sees that a phrase he allowed to roam in his head unchallenged for most of his life also impacted his relationship with his son. The phrase? "You don't have what it takes." The resulting doubt of abilities, fear and dread of failure, the recurring feeling of inadequacy, even when experience has given him great confidence, leads to many problems in every facet in his life. What makes this unique for a major network show is how close to reality this is for most of us.

"If only I . . . " We have self-improvement programs for "fixing"'nearly everything you can imagine, and others to make us feel good even about the things we cannot fix. Some try even to camouflage the assistance by offering Scripture and writings from many other faiths beside Christianity, motivational speakers, psychiatrists or other doctors. Why not try Godly counsel exclusively? Pray? Read the Bible, asking God to illumine His Word for you? Seeking other Christian brothers and sisters to discuss the matter with you? Why not, indeed.

Trying to demonstrate that the phrase is a lie, someone may be blind to truth and thus be permissive of much they would never have allowed otherwise. Many relationships are constructed upon such permissiveness. We believe that the other will like us better, love us more if we changed this or that about our appearance, behavior or thought. In the end, we give that person greater control than they might initially realize over us as we submit to the notion that we need some kind of improvement to be acceptable. We really need to know who we are as created by God who loves us and because of whom we have a new identity in Christ. And just so I cover all the bases, we are also very capable of making another feel they need to change in order to be accepted.

I began this post on Tuesday evening, but it is now Wednesday at noon and I am very pleased to announce that I am very happily receiving my IV push of the anti-nausea meds in advance of the chemo. So, thank you to all who've been praying for recovery from my bout with pneumonia since last week, for prayers that have resulted in being able to take treatment today, and for lifted spirits. I must tell you that after the discouragement last Wednesday from not being able to take treatment, I did feel much differently, much better by Friday as I was in the ER at Fair Oaks INOVA.

So, with treatment number thirteen under way, I will close this post, and I may be back for another post tonight. I'll see what God has in store for me the remainder of today.

Filling Up

In 1977, the year I began driving (and the year the first Apple computer was introduced, Caleb), the average cost of a gallon of gas had risen twenty-one cents from an average of forty-four cents two years prior. This increase more than doubled the increase of the previous decade when the cost averaged slightly more than one cent increase each year. It may be that this is when I first began to hear my Mom request a dollar amount at the pump (since most locations did not have "self-service") instead of the formerly familiar "fill 'er up.". By contrast, a five pound bag of wild bird seed cost eighty-nine cents in 1977 and a ten pound bag now costs a little over four dollars now.

This comes to mind from observing that we seem to fill up our four feeders about every three days, sooner if our tormenting squirrels are successful. I don't mind the squirrels, really. They are fun to watch as they hang upside down on the feeders trying so hard to get sustenance; amazing to observe as they make their get-away from our puppies - eight year old Chloe and Indy (Black Lab mixes), and three year old Titus (Australian Cattle Dog mix). Before you say it, yes, we are sane. I was noticing we need to fill our feeders again. We so enjoy watching the Cardinals, Finches, Wrens and Woodpeckers come to feed. And what a perfect illustration for the disposition of our soul.

Everything here in this world needs filling from time to time: gas tanks, bird feeders, store shelves, our stomachs. Our soul also needs filling. We are born with an empty condition except for one thing: There is something which we can identify as wrong, not the way it is supposed to be. This thing may point us to the emptiness, might even help point to the solution. Or we create solutions in our environment, what we allow in, who we allow in, even how we think, believe and act.

We need God's filling. Every day. In the bad and the good. Why do we not get this? Jesus uses language describing this intimate union between him and the Father and us and him in John 17. We need filling up with God as the only source of life. He alone, as Peter said, has the words of (eternal) life. Before we can be filled with This life giving God, we must be emptied of all we hold onto. Everything to us, if we are to be faithful to God, is God and includes nothing else, most of all the big "I."

So I ask that you join me in praying first to be emptied of myself, to be filled with God so that I may live true to his will; secondly, that he be glorified through all that he has allowed and given to me and that our doctor's reports continue to show healing; and third, that others will turn from this life of being filled with themselves and this world to life filled by God. Please remember to pray for Elva, Joe, Pam, Debbie, Mark, Rick, Steve, Frank, Marie, Dan, Dennis, Olivia, Justin, Doris Anne, Jane, John, Tucker, Hugh, Robin, Leah, Aaron, Tom, Danny, Hooker, Mike, "Pig," Miriam, my co-workers nephew and all their families, Darrel and Claudia and their son and his family, Cynthia (another), Mark (a co-worker's brother), a co-worker's infant daughter, Mike and Tonya, my parents and my sisters and their families, Cynthia's mom and sister and her family.  Add to all these previously named, the mother, father and family of a dear friend who is now facing a battle of cancer recurrence. Please lift up Delores and the entire Kyle family.  Let's fill up so we can pray.

The Book

It is interesting that Steve McGarrett waited until the sixth episode (not counting the pilot) to utter the now trademark "Book 'em, Danno!" And we all almost instinctively know what "Book" is meant, right down to me at the tender age of six when I first heard this words. More interesting is the trivia that Jack Lord called James MacAurthur's character "Danno" based upon a nickname he used for a childhood friend. In case you're wondering why the sudden interest in a TV series that ran from September 1968 to April 1980, Cynth and I have just finished the third episode on disc one of the complete 279 episodes. There is something very refreshing about the old TV shows- the music, we've noted, is better, and I like seeing the old carswith nothing but AM radios. Another interesting point: Although Ford Motor Company provided the vehicles for these first episodes, there were other cars featured prominently, such as a Chevrolet Impala and a Cadillac. Very nice, although I prefer Fords.

"Book 'em" undoubtedly is a part of our culture. Another phrase, not quite as popular, is prominent around our house. A variation of that phrase would go something like this: One of the kids - I won't say who, would always ask about spelling some word or another, and I would respond with "Look it up." This past week, some of you may have witnessed a true historic event with Cynth, Aaron and I as we watched the 112th Congress open its session with the word by word reading of the Constitution of the United States. Did you get some of the insanity from those who opposed such an action? Why! How dare we open a session of Congress by reading the governing document!

In the early eighties, the Christian band White Heart released an album whose title and lead song was "Read the Book (Don't Wait for the Movie)." the premise being that we need to turn off all the gadgetry and spend time in the Word rather than allowing some else dictate what we understand about God's Word. Further, if we think we can truly know God, understand our depravity, see him as our salvation well enough to respond, and have strength for this world without reading the Bible, then one day it will be too late. I realize it may not read like it, but God's Word describes God so we can see ourselves as we truly are, and then see his Word as his letter of love to us; it tells how far love will go to enter into relationship with an unruly people.

I had to do a little reading on my own this week. And I have to acknowledge that the heart of my discouragement earlier was simply this: "God, you have brought me to this point, and now where are you? I've endured twelve treatments, with barely any effect, been able to work, and I can't continue treatment now? And on top of that, I have this pain thing going, and shortness of breath?" and at the same time as those words were forming the basis of my discouragement, I was also thinking of how truly good God has been to us. So now we hit a bump, that does not change our faith except to make it stronger for we know God is faithful.

A good friend told me of his own struggle years ago. And how Psalm 88 gave him comfort:

O LORD, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry! For my soul is full of troubles, and my life draws near to Sheol. I am counted among those who go down to the pit; I am a man who has no strength, like one set loose among the dead, like the slain that lie in the grave, like those whom you remember no more, for they are cut off from your hand. You have put me in the depths of the pit, in the regions dark and deep. Your wrath lies heavy upon me, and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah You have caused my companions to shun me; you have made me a horror to them. I am shut in so that I cannot escape; my eye grows dim through sorrow. Every day I call upon you, O LORD; I spread out my hands to you. Do you work wonders for the dead? Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah Is your steadfast love declared in the grave, or your faithfulness in Abaddon? Are your wonders known in the darkness, or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness? But I, O LORD, cry to you; in the morning my prayer comes before you. O LORD, why do you cast my soul away? Why do you hide your face from me? Afflicted and close to death from my youth up, I suffer your terrors; I am helpless. Your wrath has swept over me; your dreadful assaults destroy me. They surround me like a flood all day long; they close in on me together. You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.

No cheeriness there, right? It doesn't even end with the Psalmist putting words to his faith in God. But he is crying out to God, even in the midst of his travail, and he is honest with God about how he feels. We should always go to God in reverence and awe, like Isaiah in chapter six, but we are to realize the relationship we have with this Holy God - that of Father and child - a father who delights in us and wants us to bare our soul before him. Thus, we need to read the book, really know this God, really know ourselves, comprehend what we've been saved from. Then it is easy to rest, even in our hurt, in the arms of him who first loved us.

In a right relationship with God, we too have been booked. Not entirely as McGarrett intended when he gave the order to Danny, not like a engagement booking, and not entirely as you would for a trip. But we are booked in the ultimately all important book. When we turn our life completely over to Christ, make him Lord of our life and he is seated on the throne of our heart, not only do we never have to worry or fret over the struggles in this life, but we are set for an eternity in his presence, having been booked in his book, what God's Word calls the Book of Life. That is a booking I am happy to have received.

Tonight, it was Hatch-Style Chicken Stew over rice with steamed carrots. The visit and chat were a great appetizer.

Choosing

Many are those who will find this post hard to stomach, but I've been thinking over things since my last post, and I want to elaborate on a few points for certain folk. You know the ones - making their own way, never seeming to live according to anything but their own wants or wishes, all the while thinking that rules aren't for them, and once transgressed, seemingly never facing the consequences due them for their choices. For them choices come with two possibilities and their way always wins out, the other being seen as pointless, based on ridiculous ideology, or just plain stupid. Their arguments are simply a means to justify their ends using faulty reasoning and when that doesn't solve their dilemma, then they resort to disrespecting the other person's views. You know the ones I speak of. We are (still, at times) those people.

Choose life. God commanded Moses to speak the words of covenant renewal to the Israelites in Moab before Moses died. In chapter 30 we read:

"For this commandment that I command you today is not too hard for you, neither is it far off. It is not in heaven, that you should say, 'Who will ascend to heaven for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?' Neither is it beyond the sea, that you should say, 'Who will go over the sea for us and bring it to us, that we may hear it and do it?' But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it. "See, I have set before you today life and good, death and evil. If you obey the commandments of the LORD your God that I command you today, by loving the LORD your God, by walking in his ways, and by keeping his commandments and his statutes and his rules, then you shall live and multiply, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land that you are entering to take possession of it. But if your heart turns away, and you will not hear, but are drawn away to worship other gods and serve them, I declare to you today, that you shall surely perish. You shall not live long in the land that you are going over the Jordan to enter and possess. I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and curse. Therefore choose life, that you and your offspring may live, loving the LORD your God, obeying his voice and holding fast to him, for he is your life and length of days, that you may dwell in the land that the LORD swore to your fathers, to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, to give them."

Choose life.

Choose hope. Right after my diagnosis, I went looking for a website that would possibly describe the different cancer awareness stuff, including a calendar of cancer awareness. I got one better: choosehope.com. This site, begun by three ladies touched by cancer, sells all sorts of stuff for those fighting cancer of all types and a portion of their sales goes toward cancer research and services. I may disagree with their particular order of what is important, but I do agree that choosing hope is not only proper, it is the only way to live. Hope for healing, hope for right relationships, hope for real, lasting peace. We just must realize that the only hope for these and many other wrongs to be righted is Jesus' return, or our passing to paradise. Our hope is in Christ alone who is our salvation and who has secured for us eternal life. Just so you know, February is National Cancer Prevention Month and March is Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. Choose hope.

Choose to see. A book Cynthia received for Christmas is "Choosing to See," by Mary Beth Chapman, wife of singer/songwriter Steven Curtis Chapman. Cynth has just begun the book, but I don't think I'll spoil anything by guessing that the book will be about choosing to see God in the difficult things as well as the good. That is really what this life is about - choosing to see God when life doesn't make any sense, when there is no peace, when there is disappointment and discouragement, even when God seems far off. God is in the little things as much as in the big (remember Elijah in 1 Kings 19:9 and following). We just have to be willing to do as the Psalmist says in chapter 46, verse 10:

"Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

We also should remember Job's spirit and attitude near the conclusion of that book:

Then Job answered the LORD and said: "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?' Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. 'Hear, and I will speak; I will question you, and you make it known to me.' I had heard of you by the hearing of the ear, but now my eye sees you; therefore I despise myself, and repent in dust and ashes."

(You ought to read chapters 38-41 of Job to get a look at this Sovereign God.). Choose to see.

In the final analysis, God is sovereign over all, even those whose choices are contrary to God. God will be given the praise he is due, Philipians 2:9:

"Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

It is just a matter of when. In the interim, life is full of choices, and in the bad as in the good, I pray we all we hold fast and choose life, choose hope and choose to see.

Tonight we had a meal to lift my spirits: Spaghetti la Watkins with beautiful and delicious salad and bread with garlic butter.

Disappointment

Yes. That is right. Today I am more than a little disappointed. First was this nausea feeling that came on suddenly Monday night. It lasted through the night into Tuesday, and by Tuesday evening was joined by pain in my side, the same pain as in the Spring, affecting my breathing. Compazine helped me sleep last night, and the nausea had subsided, but the pain was still there.

Then there was the question this morning when I went for treatment: "Have you been experiencing this shortness of breath much?" Actually, no, but with the pain I had to make some adjustments in my breathing. I have noticed, only occasionally though, mild shortness of breath after walking a fair distance or other such activity. It has not been anything more than mild and I've recovered quickly.

Next was my blood pressure. On more than one treatment day, my blood pressure (at least one number) was high on the first taking. Then it was back down after that. But not so today. One hundred-forty over one hundred, high enough to drop the Avastin. Apparently the risk of high blood pressure can be linked to the Avastin.

Lastly came the discussion between Dr Felice and the oncology nurse that considered the pain, the shortness of breath, and the high blood pressure, then the decision to postpone treatment. Not what I wanted to hear. All of my blood counts were good, and we (the oncology nurse and I) were finally able to get my port to bleed for the samples (a not so minor victory these days). More about that later. So, with the feeling of disappointment, discouragement was not far behind. I did not go back to work today, primarily because I still felt bad and still had this pain.

I'll admit that the disappointment and discouragement are rooted in my natural selfishness and bent toward my desire for what I want when I want it. I acknowledge God's goodness and his blessings over the past in so many ways, and these not necessarily I would count as good for me until seen from God's perspective. How much have I written about this? This is not new. And I need no convincing to try to see things from God's point of view.

And so today, in the midst of all this, I gave voice to my disappointment/discouragement. I said how much I hated this, how I am so ready to be done with this. I said that I am tired of feeling this way, tired of the pain, tired of the fatigue, and I am tired of the impact this is having on Cynthia and the kids. I hate that what affects me, in my ability to rest or sleep, has also a negative impact on Cynthia, causing interrupted, fitful sleep.

Cynthia gave good, right words of encouragement in the midst of my discouragement. She spoke truth into my anquish, pointing me back to Christ and all that he has accomplished for me, for us. She is truly a rock, not that she does not feel disappointment, but she does keep her focus on her Lord. She, above many other temporal blessings, is the best God has given me.

Now, about that bleeding port. The oncology nurses access the port every treatment day, flushing it with saline, then applying suction with the syringe to get the blood flowing for the samples. My port has given considerable trouble getting the blood to flow over past treatments, but the "gymnastics" that the oncology nurse has me do (raising arms above the head, standing, reclining, leaning forward) usually gets it going. When they cannot get it to bleed, they will take it from a vein, but most of my formerly prominent veins are no longer that prominent anymore.

Even though we didn't have treatment today, God's work is evident in that I feel him near, and his people still bless us with prayer. And we have the added blessing of a meal tonight. Kipps swiss chicken, broccoli casserole, and rice make for a soothing meal.

Three Days Journal

It has become something approaching normal now for me to begin a post and not finish it within the same twenty-four hour period. Even though I try to begin the post earlier in the evening, I still may not finish it because I fall asleep. I'll keep trying though.

Communion Sunday today. Communion Sunday is always good, for all the reasons that I (we) all need that meal. Today, we were reminded that we must partake of Christ to have life. Reminds me of God telling Joshua that the law of God would not depart from his mouth, but to meditate on it day and night. I was also reminded that God tells us that we live by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God.

What is he saying? That we owe our very breath to him. He sustains us, even those in unbelief, they too derive their existence from the living God. And if he gives us our daily breath, how much more all the other needs we have that are also met by his mercy and grace. Our great God, our Heavenly Gather knows our every need and we need only trust him for it's supply, and to make our requests known, as we would anyone else we are in intimate relationship with. Dear ones that we have communion with, just as we do the triune God.

We have really enjoyed a relaxing week and a few days. I've felt reasonably good and we've enjoyed the company of family and friends, those that God has brought into our lives in many diverse ways. It has been wonderful to spend this time on how good God has been through many, many twists and turns. I think about those I shared relationship with from so many years ago. Many friends I've since become re-acquainted with . . . Childhood friends from elememtary school, band friends and classmates from junior high and high school, youth group friends, college roommates and friends from days of significant growth.

It is now Monday, January 3. We said "Farewell" to our dear friend of these past twelve years, Alan Smith, who passed from this life to Paradise December 26 after three-year fight with cancer. Life may be precious, and to that I agree. But, oh how sweet it is to be in the presence of the Father and the Son where there is perfect life everlasting. No more pain, sickness or strife. And to be in perfect relationship as we were meant to be with our Creator God. What a blessed thought!