Friday (and Saturday) in Newport News

Here we are in Newport News to see Caleb and Megan and my parents for a few days. And what a good day it has been. A little tired most of the day, but an easy day at work - not much going on, not even any kind of special project to continue. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. Just making an observation. Even though I am a little fatigued, I continue to have strength from God to keep on. But that is not the only blessing.

On Wedenesday as the nurse was trying to get blood from my port, I asked when the doc would want another CEA score. As it turned out, they took enough blood to get the CEA score that day. On Friday we found out that yet again the score is down and at 2.7 (from 11.0 before treatment started on 7 July), it is almost in the normal range for a non-smoker like me. I cannot help but be amazed and in awe of what I ascribe to God as I hear of the prayers offered up on my behalf, and then see how those prayers are answered each and every day.

I'll give another example. I've mentioned a co-worker's sister who at a young age has been through chemo and radiation for breast cancer over the last few years. She has also endured surgery to remove the cancerous tissue. Now after the latest round of chemo and radiation, she discovered another lump and she experienced the pain associated with earlier discoveries of cancer. After seeing her doctors, and they took a biopsy of the lump, it was discovered to be not a lump of cancer, but a stitch that was missed from an earlier procedure. The prayer in my office that was offered up was for a diagnosis of no cancer. God answers prayer.

We just don't see God's answers because we either ask out of wrong desires and thus don't see that God's response is for our good, where our desires are most often not when borne out of our nature. We also don't often see God's answer because we take him and his work in and around us for granted. We need to constantly ask God to give us his eyes to see this world and this life as he does. When we can view life through his eyes, I believe we are ready to see that God responds to our prayer always from his love for us and that the answer we need is often not "no," but "I have something better for you that requires this to continue for a time."

I am having to walk this very path with someone I love very much and who is currently struggling very hard with what he believes about God, Christ, the Spirit, and heaven, and how all this works out for all of us. Again, as I have said before, the trouble is us. We struggle with what we want to have happen, and we place such importance on that that our life becomes centered on that issue. We become consumed, and then almost as quickley as we pray and move on, our heart focuses on something else, the new best thing that would satisfy. God alone satisfies and all he asks is our complete sacrifice of our heart, mind, soul, - our very lives - to him, for his service, like going to those who need to see his love, grace and mercy worked out in reality. But we must see as he sees. Then we can believe more fully, trust more completely, love more abundantly, and serve more wholly.

God bless all of you who are staying with us on the journey. I and Cynth treasure your prayers and love and care for us.

Johnson and crew chicken noodle soup, mixed salad, bread and brownies on Thursday provided a fantastic meal on a cool day. Wonderful eats.

God in Charge

Just 135 days ago that we learned of my cancer. 114 days since treatment began. And I am still work, experiencing mild side effects and enjoying watching God work his strength and peace in me and Cynth. Even tonight, a brief discussion of our desires that I not be taken and leave Cynth alone. Bit even discussion that possibility, there is no fear for we know without any doubt that God is sovereign over this illness and he is working out his plan for his glory, the benefit of others around means they witness God's life in me, and lastly for my growth and perfection in him.

Another road trip weekend, but this time just to Newport News, where Caleb and Megan are in school at Christopher Newport University. My mom and Bob will be joining us for a visit with Caleb, and we will enjoy a weekend away together. We have always enjoyed a road trip, all the way back to our college days. The ultimate road trip for is as when we left South Carolina and drove cross country to Sacramento, CA to begin navigator training in the Air Force. But it's not just road trips.

It took us ten years to finally take a weekend away together for just us. Ever since we've relished being off for a weekend every now and then, finding some great places to visit. One such place is Staunton, VA. Staunton (pronounced like Stanton), is home to Woodrow Wilson's birthplace, the Statler Brothers, Mary Baldwin College for women, and the Blackfriar's Playhouse, home to the American Shakespeare Center (formely Shenandoah Shakespeare) and their mission to perform Shakespeare as it was meant to be done in the only replica of Shakespeare's Blackfriar's Theatre. But enough of that.

We continue with very mild side effects, though each week, even each day may bring something new. Of late is a slight amount of heart burn. And in addition to the really thin hair on my head, I am losing hair in some pretty strange places. But God knew the count of the hairs on my head. But I am still able to grow it on my chin, just not as fast as before. Small stuff, and yet because I know I am loved beyond my wildest imaginings by the Father besides being so sinful beyond my comprehension, there is no worry, no despair, no anxiety, no fear. I do not mean to lead you to believe that I am this bastion of confidence and strength - I assure you I am not. In the course of these many days, I have had my fill of moments with fear, despair almost bordering on anxiety. God has been faithful in stark contrast to my faltering faithfulness. And talking with many of you, you see God's work here, and you tell me how amazing it is. And it is, but it is God alone who is doing these amazing things, all to his great glory.

And in case you wonder, I started this after the NC State Wolfpack helped Clemson last night by defeating the previously unbeaten division leading Florida State Seminoles and I fell asleep before finishing. Amazing how God takes me right back to my train of thought, but then again, when I focus on him and his blessings, it is rather easy.

Wednesday night we enjoyed Roast Chicken, roasted new potatoes and mixed greens and peppers salad au Bading, finishing with frosted sugar cookies. Delicious!

Awesome God

Treatment number nine underway. This time I didn't notice the side effects previously noted (eyes focusing weird and tongue feeling three feet thick). Maybe it is because I slept nearly the entire time. Still no word on the resumption of Leucovorin. But we do think that it is likely that we will skip the week of Thanksgiving and begin treatment eleven on December 1.

All is as it should be. We continue to look to God for he is lord over all things. He is ordering all my steps and he even let's me question this intrusion into MY designs. A little frustration today when the nurse could not get the blood he needed from the port. And as the frustration begins to mount, I felt God's hand on my shoulder, bidding me to just relax. So I ended up joking about it.

God knows how this hurts. Yet he teaches us how to have joy and even have rest in the midst of life's storms. We were under a tornado watch last night until 3 AM. At 12:00 I was looking all over the house for our handy-dandy Radio Shack weather radio with alarm feature, thinking that if the National Weather Service upgraded the watch to warning, the alarm would sound and we could take protective cover. I couldn't find the radio, but I woke up a little after 3 AM to the sounds of gentle rain, not the storm that was expected. And just so I would have a laugh, I proceeded to brush my teeth and shave, then I looked at the clock: 3 AM. I had been mistakenly thinking it was time to get up for work and was prepared to even get my shower. How funny.

So we have had a great day, even with a little fatigue. The leaves here are pretty. And so it goes on, God always faithful to work his plan and provide just what we need to continue to trust him for our very life. What a great God we serve.

In the Air Tonight

Tuesday is almost done, except we're waiting to see what the night will bring. We are currently under a tornado watch until 3 AM, the weather that swept across Indiana earlier today is on it's way for our overnight amusement. Treatment number nine scheduled to start less than twelve hours from now, provided the blood counts are sufficiently high. And we hope to square away the schedule of treatment in November. Last night I dreamed we were scheduled for back-to-back weeks before Thanksgiving. Yes, it is a concern that now I am dreaming of my treatments.

But that is indicative of just how much a part of my daily routine this has become. One minute I will be talking about how little (in the mundane) this has impacted me comparatively, and then I think of just how unfair it is that this is my consuming existence. I do often go to God, much like Job, with why this should be taken away from me. I think and talk as if I know best, that this is a mistake of epic proportions. And then I remember.

I remember that God does not work according to the created man's way, but according to his perfect counsel. And it is a good thing, too. As fickle and self-serving as I tend to be, God is infinitely more faithful and good. It has to be so for if it is otherwise, then there is no hope in anything and then all is truly for naught. And there is far to much order and design evident in this chaotic world and disorderly life to not believe in a God who created and now sustains.

So, God has been continually present in my days, giving me pain-free days since last Thursday, and only mild fatigue. It is true, that I did have a short nap this morning. After many minutes trying to keep active and awake, I succumbed to a brief respite. Afterwards, I was much more successful at keeping the hound at bay. And in his presence, I am continually led to lessons he is using to grow, shape, mold me into conformity with his will.

As we go for treatment later, I ask that you will join us as we pray for continued strength, and that God would provide good blood counts for tomorrow.

Colour My World

Monday. October 25. Two more days until we begin treatment number nine and Cynth just said she might be coming down with something: a bit of a sore throat and a touch of a headache. We'll pray that it is just fatigue and this past weekend's excitement. For me, nothing new or significant to report. I worked nine hours today and will do so again tomorrow so that I will not need to take much of my leave on Wednesday. We will also talk with our doctor about treatment in November. If we followed the current pattern, the eleventh treatment would begin on the day prior to Thanksgiving, when the office would be closed. If at all possible, I would like to move that treatment a week sooner, but it will be up to the doctor.

I have been having a little bit of pain in the area where the catheter leads from the port up toward my shoulder and over the clavicle. There is a small incision there and as it has healed, it has kind of pulled tight. So I have fought the urge to scratch it when it itches, but there really is not much I can do about this intermittent pain. It is not worrisome or hindering, but it is a bother. Oh well. Really nothing to complain about.

Another gorgeous day today. Overcast skies with occasional sunshine as we all waited for the rain that was [not] to come. I am reveling in the colors on display here in northern VA, as the maples and poplars are just about in their full array. I am humbly in awe of the artistry of God as he uses all his creation to display his glory. And to think we are not simply a part of all this - we are his great delight.

Yet, after this past weekend and all the enjoyment it brought, the colors of this day today, and the anticipation of tomorrow, I had to be reminded today that I am prone to look at me and my present situation. If even for the briefest of moments, that time spent NOT at Jesus' feet is wasted at best, and foments despair leading to other problems at it's worst. So even as I agreed with the external voices that suggested I tire of this, and the inner voices that took that sentiment and made it my own, I took these to the cross, and left them there. It is true that am tired of this, but I know God is bearing me along through the love, prayers and support of all of God's people.

You have my most humble gratitude for your ceaseless intercession on our behalf. I pray that God would minister to you by his Spirit, strengthening you with all strength.

Are We There Yet?

Since it's been a few days since my last post, I will begin by filing in what has been going on.  First, all the difficulty I had earlier last week - the lower back pain and other pain - left me on Thursday.  A short day of work on Thursday and then off on Friday as the family took off on a road trip. Beautiful driving with all the colors, great weather, and great time together with Cynth and the kids.

On this trip, I enjoyed driving across the James from Newport News and across the lower part of VA toward I-85 as we headed southwest.  We spent a short time with Elva (my paternal grandmother), saw Joe and Carolyn while enjoying some dogs at his world famous establishment, after about seven or so fantastic hours amongst the orange and purple in Howard's place. Afterward, Aaron, Rach and I walked end-to-end across that hallowed turf, and Rach touched the rock.  But it was a quick trip so our two college kids could be back at class on Monday.  Thankfully, Cynth let me drive as much as I wanted.

As always, it was great just to be with the kids, being reminded of how God has uniquely made and developed them, and how he uses them to develop me.  We had a great time on Friday playing "Are We There Yet?."  This game was given to us a number of years ago for use on road trips to pass the time.  You get five cards with other-wise ordinary things to spot, only when you're actually looking for them you never see them.  In fact, you often fixate on one you're trying to find and likely miss many of the others. And sometimes it will seem that you are never going to reach the destination. Kind of like life.

Without realizing it, I believe we live in the question, "Are We There Yet?."  Recognizing this reality requires, like the song in South Pacific, that we be carefully taught.  By that I mean the teaching of God, of course.  And each of us learns this lesson, as with all other education, at times and through circumstances as unique as we are individually.

All of our days are spent in quiet expectation, woven by the desires of our hearts, the plans we make and subsequently, the circumstances that changes everything.  Who among us can say absolutely that life is just as they expected or dreamed it would be?  Yet we go on each day, looking for the culmination of our designs as we move on toward eternity.  Allow me to add that eternity is the destination for everyone, not just God's people.

As we played the game, some in the car complained about the cards dealt to them because the items they were to find were extraordinarily out-of-the-ordinary.  So too in life we kick against the goads because what we experience in the interim between the now and not yet is not comfortable.  It forces us into faith - whether in ourselves or God, for all os us live according to faith.  It is just a matter what we believe, derive our strength from, trust to see us through.

If it is anything other than the God who created the universe and all that is in it, the God who, only because he loves us, provided the satisfaction his justice required by coming to live as man and die the death we deserve because of our sin, the God who by his spirit raised his Christ from the dead giving all who believe a right relationship with this God now and assurance of eternal life with him in eternity soon, then we trust in that which will always disappoint even at its best.

Now the question:  So what?  Well, you can continue on as before and look as before for those items and experiencing some disappointment along the way, keeping occupied as the days pass.  Or you can continue looking for those items, but with God's perspective, content in the now, rejoicing in the not yet.  Either way, we who believe and trust God know that the items on our list are ordered by God to his great glory and our benefit.  

Have a blessed day in the now, and be encouraged mightily by the not yet.

Naming at Random

When last I posted I described having fatigue, a recurrence of pain as I hard mentioned before, and new pain in my lower back, especially when walking. The latter pain came on kind of suddenly on Monday, as the other pain began to creep on. But it was the lower back pain that was most worrisome.

When we met with the radiation oncologist in late July/early August, we were told to watch for pain in the lower back, radiating down the legs, loss of motor skills and lost control of other functions as these would indicate the encroachment of the tumor on my spine into the spinal canal and it's pressing against the spinal cord. But then, the most recent scan indicated the tumor on my spine was healing itself. So we don't know what to make of the pain, just that for now we are watching this closely, especially as we plan to be away this weekend and doing a lot of walking.

It has occurred to me that I haven't said much about me, apart from my present state, love of Christ and some other passions, my former life in military service, etc. I don't recall mentioning birthdate or age, but if I did, forgive me for repeating. I was born in 1962. This is important for our walk here back down memory lane.

Rock and roll was still quite young in 1962, but branching out: beach or surfing music, soul, and some early folk artists were beginning to emerge either as new competitors for the ears and hearts of American youth against well founded vocal artists, or as well established genres of our musical fabric. The previous generation were not well prepared for the coming tide of change in music.

Just six short years from my birth, six men met as freshmen in college in Alabama. Six years later, they would have a debut album recorded at the famed Motown Hitsville USA studios, the last album recorded there, in fact. Fifteen years after this debut, and after two number one hits, nine singles peaking in the top ten, and fourteen in the top twenty-five, some embers began to seek solo careers and left the group.

These men, originally a funk/soul/dance band with horns, found some of their greatest success in their ballads from 1975 through 1981. Originally called the Jays, they sought a new name to avoid confusion with the O'Jays. As the story goes, a dictionary was consulted to choose the new name. By Simply opening the dictionary to a page and plopping a finger on a word they hoped to Cain a name that would be distinguishing. The group was almost called the Commodes, but thankfully we know them as the Commodores. I spent part of the afternoon listening to some of their hits, and it is wonderful the memories that flood back. But it is the naming of this group that interests me.

Many choose a name to engender a desired character trait or quality, evoke some emotion, or simply to be descriptive of some important factor or another. All of us who have had the privilege of naming children knows the agony of picking the right name for our expected new child. Not only do we have to pick a first name, we add to our anxiety by the need to choose a strong middle name for the aforementioned reasons. Then we choose what we'll call them (first name, middle name, initials only, or some shortened version of the first or middle names).

Interesting that God tells us through Moses that the first man Adam was given the job of naming all the animals. In fulfilling this job, "no suitable helper was found for him." which led to the first surgery by the Great Physician, for God knew that Adam needed a like creature taken from his side that he would consider an equal but needing his loving care and protection.

Interesting that God himself gives the names by which we are to call him. These too are illustrative of the many traits or works of God. Throughout the Bible we are introduced to those named to describe something that God is doing in his redemptive plan. His redemption even serves to, among the other outcomes, give us a new name. But his act of naming is direct, purposeful, with meaning, and anything but random or by chance. So when we read Isaiah 62, we can rejoice, that God is calling us by a much different name than that by which we are now known.

Because of God the Father's great love for us, God the son, in the person of Jesus, secured salvation for those who believe through his obedience unto death and shedding his blood to cover our sins. Because of God's act of resurrecting his Christ in power to reign in his kingdom, we have assured hope of eternal life spent in his presence. And because of the indwelling of God the Spirit, we are now no longer known as enemies of God. Now we are his chosen ones. Read this passage from Isaiah and be encouraged by God's continuing work to make all things new.

For Zion's sake I will not keep silent, and for Jerusalem's sake I will not be quiet, until her righteousness goes forth as brightness, and her salvation as a burning torch.

The nations shall see your righteousness, and all the kings your glory, and you shall be called by a new name that the mouth of the LORD will give.
You shall be a crown of beauty in the hand of the LORD, and a royal diadem in the hand of your God.

You shall no more be termed Forsaken, and your land shall no more be termed Desolate, but you shall be called My Delight Is in Her, and your land Married; for the LORD delights in you, and your land shall be married.

For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom
rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.

On your walls, O Jerusalem, I have set watchmen; all the day and all the night they shall never be silent. You who put the LORD in remembrance, take no rest, and give him no rest until he establishes Jerusalem and makes it a praise in the earth.

The LORD has sworn by his right hand and by his mighty arm: "I will not again give your grain to be food for your enemies, and foreigners shall not drink your wine for which you have labored; but those who garner it shall eat it and praise the LORD, and those who gather it shall drink it in the courts of my sanctuary."

Go through, go through the gates; prepare the way for the people; build up, build up the highway; clear it of stones; lift up a signal over the peoples.
Behold, the LORD has proclaimed to the end of the earth: Say to the daughter of Zion, "Behold, your salvation comes; behold, his reward is with him, and his recompense before him."

And they shall be called The Holy People, The Redeemed of the LORD; and you shall be called Sought Out, A City Not Forsaken.

God bless you.

In the Middle

Tonight's walk down the memory lane of music is completely appropriate, for it describes all too well my circumstance at the moment. But before we enter that discussion, I should give an update. I have been able to work these last two days, although from Sunday evening on I have felt pretty tired. Not sleepy, though I have caught a couple of early evening naps, just tired. On Monday I began to experience the pain I was having some weeks ago and late in the day, I began to have some little pain in my lower back as well as my neck. Maybe it is the way I sit at work, or sleep at night. I don't think it is related to any of the other things I am going through, except maybe some stress, which brings me back to our trip through musical history.

In 1978 Gerald Rafferty of Paisley, Scotland released a solo album, "City to City," which topped the "Saturday Night Fever" soundtrack that July. Singles from this album remain adult album oriented radio mainstays even today. "Baker Street" likely inspired many to take up the saxophone for it's wailing solo throughout the song. And "Right Down the Line" is a different kind of love song from most of that year. But this was not Rafferty's first recording effort.

Gerry (as he is known) Rafferty, together with school friend Joe Egan, had a #6 song in 1973. Included on their 1972 debut album "Stealers Wheel," "Stuck In The Middle" is simply a catchy little tune that includes the lines "clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you." Gerry Rafferty left Stealers Wheel near the time the album was released and the group disbanded in 1975. For such a short song (3:23) it can certainly describe a lot of mine (our) circumstances.

I will only remind you, kind reader, that the Christian life is marked by suffering and sometimes that suffering takes the form of tormentors on either side. Those that scoff and ridicule, those who deride you for your beliefs, those that openly fight against the truth - these are those which are described in Romans, chapter 1. The suffering part of this is not necessarily that the scoffing, derision, etc. causes physical or even mental or emotional harm. I know it does that. But when you have ones on either side who are family or close friends, I experience that the suffering is more acute.

The remainder of the line is "here I am, stuck in the middle with you." I have made it my cause (well, at least one of them) to acknowledge when I feel those others - the scoffers, etc. press in on either side to remember that I am in the middle with God as his presence surrounds me. And to borrow a Stephen Curtis Chapman line, there's "No Better Place To Be." I'll close with Psalm 84:

How lovely is your dwelling place, O LORD of hosts!
My soul longs, yes, faints for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh sing for joy to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young, at your altars, O LORD of hosts, my King and my God.
Blessed are those who dwell in your house, ever singing your praise! Selah
Blessed are those whose strength is in you, in whose heart are the highways to Zion.
As they go through the Valley of Baca they make it a place of springs; the early rain also covers it with pools.
They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.
O LORD God of hosts, hear my prayer; give ear, O God of Jacob! Selah
Behold our shield, O God; look on the face of your anointed!
For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere. I would rather be a doorkeeper in the house of my God than dwell in the tents of wickedness.
or the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.
O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!

A Vessel Fit For His Service

Today, another blessed Sunday full of God's goodness all around. I even had the opportunity to meet up with Mrs. Carolyn Frickle, one of our senior saints who continues to pray for me even as she has a grandson now on his second tour in harm's way. Pleas pray for Robert and all our soldiers, seamen, airmen, and their leaders as they conduct operations to keep us safe and bring to justice those who would do us harm.

I also had the time to spend with Mark, my good friend who is the youngest person I know diagnosed with Alzheimer's. He sure seems to be doing well, and we talked together about God's work in our lives through our respective illnesses. The hard thing, as always, is letting go. Letting go of the control we believe we have a right to, and giving over to God the control that is his alone.

I find more comfort now, knowing that the God who created everything there is wants relationship with me. He knows I am a flawed creature, seeking my own lordship over my life. Yet he softly, gently, beckons me to come and see that he is good. He leads me to repentance, having demonstrated his holiness and causing me to agree with him that I am not. And he guides me daily in his way, blessing me with his presence, his mercy, and his peace. He provides my every need so that I have no cause for worry, no need of fretting over my circumstances.

God does all this and more for the simple reason that he loves me. Even though I have so often chosen my own steps, he pursued me to keep me his own, out of love for his Son and his work on the cross that cleanses me from all unrighteousness. When I was a boy, what I understood I would be saved from was so foreign. But as I got older, and still as I draw breath I see more clearly the natural bent to sin that Christ's blood covers and the Spirit works to evict from my life.

This life is a marathon, not a sprint. And each of us will have suffering of some type or another. So where does God fit into that picture. Is he sovereign over all, including the difficult things, the things that bring pain, anguish, despair and fear? Or is he distant. Do we expect only good things from God and not that which he uses to purify and cleanse? Ask yourself, and if you answer that you cannot fathom a God who allows suffering for his people, then ask how can God be love?

Without God's holiness and his desire for righteousness, then the debt of sin would be meaningless. But because God is a God of justice, we know there is love for he satisfied the debt of sin we owe in the blood of Christ and we now who believe are counted as heirs with Christ, partakers in the glory now his. And this life, lived in humility and submission to him, with all it's afflictions, is preparing us for our glory, which is promised and sealed by the Spirit. This then is God's love: that nothing in my hands I bring, simply to his cross I cling. And he sees Christ in my stead and Christ intercedes for me, saying to the Father, "that one is mine."

This belonging then results in change, the kind my natural man does not like for it requires much sacrifice of me. I have to give over my desires to him. I have to be submissive to his leading and his action to remake my life. I have to trust him, not me, for his perfect plan, even though I want to be able to fix things on my own. Which means ultimately, I am removed from the center of my soul, where I can only grow more important crowding out God and all others, and allow God to invade my life to do with me as he pleases for his glory, the blessing to others and my growth. This then, is the purpose in this present darkness.

God bless us each and every one as we struggle to give our lives completely to him, even our suffering, so that we can be used to bless others with his truth and be built up into fit vessels of praise for his great glory.

Pearls

I've told you some of my story as it concerns my musical tastes. I'd like to set the record somewhat straight. I didn't want to practice piano lessons and so never really learned to count music until much later. This despite a love of the piano, and even more so because mom taught piano so she would be home when I got home from school. She also infused me with a love of classical pieces, many which she practiced and performed as preludes at her (and then mine) childhood church. I also mentioned that as I got older my tastes began to branch into rock and roll, but I still liked pop, oldies and classical.

Four years of marching and concert band under the late Loy Wagner furthered my insatiable appetite for the classics: Rimsky-Korsakov, Rossini, Tchaikovsky, Wagner were just a few of the composers we played. And a music appreciation class during the Summer introduced me to Barber, Debussy, Dvorak, Mozart, Ravel, and of course More Beethoven than I'd heard before. But there was one genre that my love for now had it's beginnings in my band years and was furthered by my step-father, Bob.

I gained a deep and abiding appreciation for Big Band after listening to many of Bob's old reel-to-reel tapes of Artie Shaw, Fred Waring and his Pennsylvanians, the Dorseys, and of course Glenn Miller. In band, it was "Begin the Beguine." with Glenn Miller, it was "Moonlight Serenade," "String of Pearls,"and "Stardust" that leads a host of favorites. But one of my more favorite Big Band leaders, and one not normally remembered for his romantically charged "mood music", is Jackie Gleason, the Great One. One of my favorites is "Melancholy Serenade," the theme to the Jackie Gleason show that I watched every time it was on as a young boy at my grandmother's (also my introduction to Lawrence Welk).

These memories are good for they remind me of simpler times, when it seemed to me I hadn't a care in the world. But life is much more. And I have kind of suggested that unless we suffer (you can substitue "struggle"), and learn to accept that as part of God's bigger story of his redemptive plan, then we really are not living to the fullest. We should understand all these circumstances (trials, tribulations, travails, troubles, torments) as God's work of refinement (burning away the "dross," his use of us as his instruments of grace to those around us needing his redemption, and ultimately to elicit our praise for his love that saved us and his work that keeps us in his hand.

And these present troubles are not the end. Just like the music that I've mentioned here, they are part of a tapestry of your life as a part of the bigger story of God. The effects not only refine you, but leave something of itself behind in your life, kind of like a token that serves to remind you of God's work in you through those circumstances or events. But you should remember, the immediate story may be yours, but you must take note that your story is incomplete unless you include all the others you come in contact with, for as you enter into and build relationships, they influence just as you influence, and they also are part of God's story.

I think of this because I caused someone I care about some discomfort, completely inadvertently. The source of the discomfort is not important, save the fact that I don't want this person to worry or be fearful, least of all for that concern to be about me. The steps I could have taken to at least maybe lessen the impact? I have intended to be as real as I could about all I am feeling, processing, experiencing as a result of my illness. I have not been faithful to that: I have neglected to include further reports of hair loss. I have experienced more loss, and I did take the step of shortening what I had so that the ongoing change would not be so drastic. But I forgot about those who wouldn't have seen me in many, many weeks, especially since the time I had written about my hair loss. In addition to the continuing loss which has slowed, what hair I do have left is thinning and greying more. Yet I am okay with that. Another change that is part of God's big story of redemption.

A fantastic day today, not the least of which was the great breakfast I fixed this morning for my two boys, the "big" Tiger victory over their "fear of the Turtle", but also the strength I had to work on three vehicles today changing the oil and some other minor preventative things similarly necessary. And good fellowship with family and friends, which is so important today.

I pray, and ask again, boldly, that you would make supplication for this family, that doubts would be answered, and faith, wherever it may be lacking would spring up anew, and where repentance is missing, then that Spirit of contriteness would prevail and led to true repentance a new life in Christ, free to trust him who does not ensnare, but rather frees us from the work we depend on for our salvation and the guilt we feel when we fail. These pearls are real.

Another Day of Treatment Done and Persevering

And I have been remiss.

Wednesday night we enjoyed Stone-made chicken enchiladas, mixed greens salad, and butterscotch brownies with pecans. While I am at it, ask God to protect Brother Matt, even now driving to Seattle to deliver a car to one of his children.

Today was another good day. Disconnected with "Bob" at about 11:00, then back to work for a short afternoon. I was able to find the nearly $3,400 mistake in my thus far crowning achievement at work: a nearly year long effort to develop a spreadsheet allowing me to forecast expense activity for operations that the actual bills run on average of three to five months in delay. I had an ideas that a good friend helped me develop into a fantastic use of Excel. It is great when I can find the solution, even more to have the strength and concentration to keep at it.

And that brings me to the primary topic of discussion. What is it we mean "to persevere?" we move in and out of the elements of the day, mostly planned through the desires that we have to get things done, only to be surprised when God interrupts. I dare say that most interruptions are not welcomed by us, for at best it might mean a significant alteration to your plan, but it might not be the kind of interruption that goes much beyond that sort of irritation. Otherwise, the interruption likely brings with it much more: uncertainty, fear, doubt, despair, a struggle for the heart and mind.

Where do those go for the necessities to face this kind of interruption, when faith in God is not their life? To live as if life is a series of random chance occurrences that just happen I believe leads down a road of consuming frustration and fear. Is it any wonder that we try really hard to fill our lives with that which we think will affirm for us our control over us?

The interesting part of this is that it takes a certain faith to believe that you have control over the things in your life. And when life throws a curve ball, you go to that place where you have faith you can once again demonstrate your ability to control things and you find that there is nothing there. What to do?

God's way does require faith. But his faith, given to us as a gift, generating a softened heart to hear his call also gives assurance that through the stormy interruptions, though the way ahead is obscured (for our benefit, I will add), we have this calm hope and a peace that the outcome is already in the hands of the one who loves us so completely, even to his death on a cruel cross, paying the debt I owe for my transgressions against this holy God. And this hope and peace is secured in us by his Spirit, living in the soul place long ago created for just that indwelling. What an expression of lavish love that God would design that he should live in the hearts of men, to be their God and we should be his people.

Why is it difficult for others to see? I think the number one reason is expectations. The rest of the world (non-believers) looks to those with faith to see that it matters to us. Yet we behave as if our faith is that which we don during the one day a week exercise and when things in our world go awry. We are to be his always, live as the adopted sons and daughters that his love has made us now to be. And his promise to be our shepherd, staying by us, lovingly guiding us to the prize, the day we enter into his rest in Paradise, is our great joy, even in the face of the clouds in the life. We don't get to see the outcome when we continue to face interruptions, but God does, and that is all we ever need to know.

Thanks ever and all praise to the One, true sovereign God overall things, for his work in my life and giving me eyes to see it.

A most delicious meal tonight. Ham a cheese Mac Metzger with onions, Caesar salad and pumpkin pie with cool whip.

Thank you, too, for your continued prayers. God bless you.

Skeptics Among Us

Day two of treatment eight completed and still no adverse side effects to my great wonderment and all praise to our almighty God, his Christ and the Holy Spirit. Still, fatigue was a factor today, making me long for the return home from work so I could just rest. I did have a late night call and ensuing discussion that made the night very short, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Most of us are not trained. We do not receive any thing close to a thorough, seminary-like education and so we struggle to know how to answer the skeptic when questions of faith are raised. We don't know the skeptic's arguments, so our responses are sort of pat answers, the kind that pretend deeper substance, but used in this game, comes across as nothing more than "you just have to believe." Last night, I got a very real glimpse into the heart of one whose struggle is so acute that he is trying desperately to convince himself that he doesn't believe.

In the process, his arguments do leave room for me to present the truth of the gospel, something I don't think is necessarily part of the struggle, save that once he acknowledges the Lordship and reign of Christ in his heart, then he knows he will have to Give God the complete control over his heart, mind, soul . . . his very life. Living out the failures in my own life of faith may yet be the key, for I want him to see what I've been saved from. Shouldn't that be part of our witness?

Rather than displaying the work of Christ and our faith in that for salvation as a crutch to help us through tough times, maybe it should be demonstrated as the source of our strength to love the unlovely. Instead of portraying our faith as a mantle of righteousness before our fellow sinners, maybe we should try demonstrating the love, grave and mercy to those we sinners would deem as unworthy to receive God's favor. Why don't we boldly display the changed heart that seeks to serve our fellow sinner for their edification and God's glory, in contrast to timidness masqueraded as humility. We can all use a measure of temerity when it comes to that beauty which God has wrought in the mess that was our life.

A heart changed by God to receive the message of love and grace, this is my prayer now. I do see that our present struggle is a tool being used by God in his perfect plan. But as I have written before, patience is a virtue I often lack, so I must pray also to wait in awe of God and the work he is most definitely working in this one. And I must remember that this road may be heading further into the valley before there is any move toward God and trust in his grace-filled provision of Christ's righteousness. This is where trust in the promises of God become real all over again. The promise that this covenant honoring sovereign Lord would be our God and we would be his people, and this promise is made to us and our children after us gives me great joy.

I am looking forward to another great day tomorrow and a great weekend of ballgames, spending time with the family God has blessed me with and worship with all the saints on Sunday. So how can I focus on the bad? There is far too much good around me, things I would have derided as not possible five or sixth months ago. And even if there were more difficult things we face along this path, still our God is faithful to never leave us now forsake us. I know all too well that this life was not promised to be free from suffering, just that he would be beside us guiding and strengthening us along the path, as the psalmist says. And you all are advancing God's blessing through your prayers, visits and meals. Thanks to God and thank you, again.

Tonight Kylesian Beef Stew, salad greens with almond slices, celery, red onion, and mandarin slices topped off with a delicious dressing, slices of johnny buttermilk honey wheat bread, and apple crisp for dessert.

Seeking the Light

For the last several years of my Air Force life I often found that I was commuting to and from my office in the dark. Of course this was not true during the months when Daylight Savings Time was in effect, but it seemed that it was much more often the situation that to see the Sun, I would have to walk across the courtyard, or go on a day trip on business . . . My office did not have windows either. And although I enjoy a cloudy, rainy day as much as I do a sunny day, we do need light.

I think of this because just now the Chilean rescue workers have just raised the first of the thirty-three miners who have been trapped a half-mile underground for sixty-nine days. I cannot begin to imagine what that must have been like. Reading the story of how these men have dealt with their plight is encouraging. And what is more, even though many will not see it, but God showed up in that mine and over that situation just as he does everyday in big and small ways all over the place.

Sidebar: I began this post last night, but fell asleep after a long day. I just wanted you to know that.

As we continue down this road prepared before us, I am struck at all the struggles we (all people) deal with every day. We walk around, and greet most we meet with, "Hello, How are you?" to which most often reply simply, "Fine." In my Lay Counseling training, it was understood that "fine" really means "fouled up, insecure, neurotic, emotional." It could also mean "feeling inadequate, needing encouragement." For many, it may mean "feelings inside not expressed." Regardless, we should all understand that individually as well as collectively we are not fine as defined by Mr. Webster. Being completely honest with ourselves, we must admit, though things may seem to be going our way, there are still more valleys we walk through than mountains we sit atop of.

I came through a valley earlier today. As I arrived at work, I had the thought that I am tired of this (now no longer new) routine. The shiny has worn off and it is showing the dullness of a well worn coin that you rub occasionally with your fingers as it sits in your pocket for many days. It is also the steps of the day, not unlike days before this reality, but these steps now are not steps I want to take. In a way, it feels like I am standing in a line waiting to go through the turnstile.

But then the Sun comes up flooding the sky and earth with light. A reminder that though this world, because of sin, is a dark place, the Son comes in light and shines, ejecting the darkness and putting the forces of darkness - all manner of deceit and wickedness - to flight. The struggles we face, our "valleys," is where God's strength overcomes our weakness and he works for our exaltation. Such is our great blessings, to be there and experiencing God, his mercy and provision, in spite of the pain and hurt.

Treatment number eight is under way, albeit different from the treatments that have gone before: a nation-wide shortage of Leucovorin and so I am not getting this drug today. It is not known how long this shortage my last, so we are praying that the absence of this drug will not decrease the effectiveness of the other, and it will not lead to increased side effects.

I have reminded you of the many folks I have been privileged to bring to you for prayer. I am asking now for you to include Tucker, a teen that is experiencing debilitating pain in his stomach, affecting nearly all normal activity. He has been with this condition for many years and doctors cannot determine the problem so he is currently on medication for the pain. Pray that an upcoming trip to Johns Hopkins will result in answers and successful treatment for Tucker, for peace and perseverance for Tucker and his family, and that through all this that God would be magnified to his great glory. Now, hit those knees, warriors.

The Pledge

Tonight the Atlanta Braves were eliminated from further post-season play by the San Francisco Giants in Atlanta. If I have heard correctly, this also marks the end of the Bobby Cox era. Having rejoined the Braves organization in 1985 (his first stint with the Braves lasted from 1978 to 1981), Bobby stepped into the manager role in the 1990 season and for the next fourteen years began a string of National League pennant races and a few World Series. The most exciting season was the Braves' "Worst to First" season in 1991. Among the records Bobby holds as manager is one that he may not be so proud of - "Most Ejected Manager."

Chipper Jones has played his entire career (at least the last twenty years) for the Braves, having bend drafted by Bobby Cox in 1990. Since his debut, Chipper earned his selection as a future hall-of-famer by becoming the only hitter in Major League history to have a .300+ batting average and over 400 home runs. He has won numerous awards, but he has also had his share of controversy off the field. He had talked about retirement at the end of the 2010 season also.

A few weeks ago, I watched The Prestige with my GA brother-in-law. In the opening, Michael Caine's character establishes the foundation of the magic trick. It begins with "the Pledge" when something ordinary is shown. The Pledge is followed by "the Turn", during which the ordinary is made to do something extraordinary. The third part is "the Prestige", which can be said is returning the ordinary. The Prestige is a very well done movie, but I am not necessarily linking the Braves to The Prestige as if there is some magic involved.

There is something magical, in a sense, about baseball: a no-hitter, the double play, a well placed bunt. But in the case of Bobby Cox and Chipper Jones, two examples (out of many) of ordinary men turning in extraordinary performances over a sustained period while also showing themselves to be often trapped in the ordinary. And in the end, they are subject to the passing of time just as we all are.

Movies and baseball provide an excellent diversion from the ordinary that many consider their daily life. But with God, there is only the extraordinary. In our experience, God takes the ordinary that is our offering of heart, soul, mind and strength and turns them into incredible acts of service to him. In this reality, it is God first who acts to change an ordinary heart (rebellious, idol-filled, hardened, and dead in sin) into a new creation - a soft, teachable, malleable, trainable heart.

An extraordinary act. Extraordinary because it required nothing less than God becoming man in the second person of the Trinity, for Him to come to live among man a perfect life of obedience to God, obedient to death on the cross as the substitutionary atonement as the sacrifice for the sins of many. This extraordinary act justifies those who believe before God, covering our ordinary in the extraordinary righteousness of Christ. Then God raised Jesus from the dead so that our ordinary death is not our end. For those who believe, we have this extraordinary assurance, a hope of our future glory, a share in the glory of Christ.

We have treatment number eight this week (on Wednesday). We pray that the blood counts will be sufficient to permit treatment once again, that I have sufficient strength after treatment to continue activity as I have thus far, and that this treatment cycle would continue us on the path to healing. And please remember all these who continue their struggle with many, many matters - healing of body, soul and mind, God's peace and his provision:  Elva, Joe, Miriam, Pam, Debbie, Mark, Rick, Steve, Frank, Alan, Marie, Dan, Dennis, Olivia, Justin, my co-workers nephew and all their families, Doris Anne, Darrel and Claudia and their son and his family, Cynthia (another), Mark (a co-worker's brother), a co-worker's infant daughter, Mike and Tonya, my parents and my sisters and their families, Cynthia's mom and sister and her family.

All these know the power of prayer for the see the evidence of answered prayer right here.  As do I, to the glory and praise of our awesome God, who is ever faithful, who never changes, and from whom I have peace and strength for today.

The opening lines from The Prestige reads thus:

"Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige"."

 All power, honor, and glory to God our heavenly Father that he is mighty to do extraordinary things with my ordinary all because of his great love for me, without magic or tricks, but through his covenant promise to be my God.  Amen.

With A Passion

It is amazing!  Awesome!  And totally wonderful!  By this time after my sixth treatment that ended September 18, I was still feeling really horribly fatigued.  Although I could work, about half-way through the day (give or take an hour or so) I would hit this brick wall and could not keep from nodding off.  This lasted for eight days beyond the treatment.  So when we went for the last treatment, I told the nurse all that I had been experiencing.

Let me add here that, contrary to what might be said about my circumspection regarding what I share with a doctor, I have been talking like a parrot, telling every thing I notice, even some things I know have nothing whatsoever to do with my cancer or the treatments.

Anyway, after I mentioned the fatigue, the nurse affirmed that this was the result of the chemo, and she confirmed my belief that it would likely get worse as the treatments continue.  So . . . now after the last six days from chemo pump disconnect have passed, and having experienced fatigue on the same order as after the treatment cycle nearly four weeks ago, imagine my great surprise to have suddenly felt a slight burst of energy and strength.  I still have a little fatigue, but I don't feel slow, sluggish, nor do I go about expecting to just slump over in slumber at any moment.  Somebody is praying, many of you are praying specifically for my strength . . . and I know it because God is providing my daily strength.

For a brief moment earlier this evening, as I listened to a particular talk show host, my concern over one of my great passions began to rise.  I'd like to think that I would do as I have said before, and vote for the most qualified candidate, but I think that requires someone who is a good judge of character, and I only need to look at how much I often love only me to recognize that my ability to discern good character is flawed.

Anyway, now my focus is on the person or persons who will be true to the US Constitution, if there be anyone that will.  And there are many who present themselves as those who would do this or that as a demonstration of their allegiance to the Constitution.  One thing they lack, and I'll just put this out there:  I am mulling over that some who have been appointed Federal judges should be removed and replaced with those who adhere to strict Constitutional constructionism.  Of course, we are in the predicament we are in precisely because we have forgotten the One who is the basis of all law and freedom.  And just as Israel and Judah were made to pass through the fire, so we shall, unless God intervenes to right all that is wrong.

Another great passion . . . Clemson Tiger football.  Actually, I like most of their sports programs, but football always will be very special to me.  To get a little more understanding about this, you'll have to go back several posts ago.  I will only say that each time I watch a game on TV, and especially when at Clemson Memorial Stadium, I have a rush of memories all the way back to when I was a toddler and living there over forty years ago.  The Tigers are 2-2 so far this season . . . which does not look all that good, but against the two ranked teams (that they've lost to), I think the played well.

Another passion?  My wife.  Cynth will quickly tell you that she is tired.  But she keeps going.  She gets up with me in the morning to see me off to work.  She gets Rach up and ready for school, drives her to dance, prepares supper, helps Rach study, write papers, checks her math (did I mention we are homeschooling Rach for the fifth year this year?).  And she reserves time for me.  She also drives me everywhere . . . I kinda like that, but I am trying not to take advantage of it.  They'd probably tell you they like it better when she drives, anyway.

Cynth has started back with MOPS, and is enjoying the interaction and the opportunity to share with young moms.  And she is blessed by the discussions they have about parenting, not just little ones, but parenting overall.  This year, she is a mentor mom each week instead of helping with the children every other week.  And this year, God ordered that an oncology nurse would be a member of one of her groups, completely unbeknown to the MOPS leadership who assign the mentor moms.

Additionally, Cynth is now about four chapters into the newest Bible Study Fellowship (BSF) on Isaiah.  And I am deriving some excitement about the study from her as she attends each class.  How timely is it to spend time studying any part of God's word, and specifically this book - calling Judah to repent, proclaiming the coming of the Messiah, and describing the judgment to come for those who practice wickedness and lawlessness.  Cynth is one of my great passions because of her love for God and her desire for him.

This brings me to the last passion I'll mention here.  You could probably guess.  But it cannot be left unsaid that God is my chief passion.  He knows me, yet loves me - without regard for my rebellious ways.  In fact, he loves me in spite of my rebellious ways.  And because he loves me, I love him.  For while I was dead in my sin, unable to know God, incapable of any good, deserving death as a creature of wrath, an enemy of God, he pursued me as a lover pursues his beloved.  He sent his Son to die in my place, a death that satisfied his justice, and extended his mercy by grace so that I could believe on him and have salvation.  He raised Jesus from the dead that I might have eternal life.  He is, even now destroying my heart of stone and giving me a heart of flesh, a heart that each days seeks to turn away from me and turn to him so that I may glorify him in whom is my only hope.  My only hope.  My only hope.

As you think of it, please pray for a request of mine.  I will only say that there is another struggle, one that affects those we love.  We (I, more than anything) would like to fix it so that the struggle ends.  But I know that God is in the struggle, as he is for all of us for it is there, and only there, that we can truly be humbled to the point of belief and submitting to him.  I am asking that your prayers be specific that the struggle produce the fruit of repentance, submission and perseverance, for our loved ones and for us.

I will pray likewise, adding that your days may be filled with living passionately for our King.

Sufficient Provision

Of course we are praying for healing, knowing God is able to work far more than we could ever imagine. And our prayers for healing are for those who are in the midst of struggles and suffering, in addition to our own. But I consider now, what do we mean by the word "suffering?"

Some might point to indescribable pain, or an overwhelming, incapacitating illness with effects and symptoms all round. Others might feel that things are beyond control and they can see no way forward. Yet someone else faces uncertainty, and their suffering comes in the darkness of fear and despair.

How about understanding suffering as part of our existence after The Fall? In this view then, our suffering would be best understood as the conflict that arises from the longing of our souls and that which was not supposed to be. We must acknowledge the deep longing of our soul and that this world, this life will not realize what once was this side of Jesus' return. Then we can see our suffering as used by God to mold us, make us more like Christ.

No one wants to suffer, really; though there may be few who welcome it. Yet we are told to rejoice in our suffering. But if we do not suffer, do we have hope? I believe it is because we have even the faintest glimmer of that which we are missing through our suffering in the brokenness of this life that our longing increases. And thus our hope (not to be confused with a wish borne in unbelief, but an expectant waiting for the surety) is then made full.

Another good day for Cynth and I, albeit filled more with fatigue than yesterday. As a result, I slept in the early evening, and then find I cannot go to sleep normally. And despite my good intentions to post earlier, rather than later, you (and I) benefit from my irregularity.

A final word about suffering (tonight, anyway): We fly from point A to point B, and one of the primary concerns, especially during the summer months is the sincere hope that the aircraft will not fly through turbulence. We don't often think of all the various preparations that have already been made to ensure the safety and comfort of those flying. In the commercial aviation industry, tests are accomplished and recommendations are made, all with a primary aim of huge improvements in flight safety and passenger comfort. A key buzz word in the corporate center is "What if. . .?"

In our suffering, God has already considered the "what if" and provided just what we need to endure, or more appropriately, persevere on one condition: that he alone be our provision, strength and comfort when the reality that this world is not as it should be rises against the deep, deep longing of our soul. Rest today in the hope you have now, even in your sufferings.

One Fine Morning

A grand start to the week. Yes, I did feel more fatigued than I had hoped, but what a good day. Yes, it was cooler, with overcast skies and a little drizzle. Still, it was a beautiful morning. It reminded me of so many other mornings long past. And although I was fatigued right out of the gate, the morning was gone before I knew it, and soon it was time to leave work. God, again sustaining me through the day.

A dear friend that is battling cancer through a more difficult set of circumstances is seeking help from a cancer center in NY. Please petition God to intervene and heal Alan. Also pray that the way would be made smooth for them as they seek this avenue, and pray that they will be bold and confident as they try to help their children understand.

I keep thinking of the last few posts and the idea that (I) we never first consider what God may be doing. Why is that? Is it our unbelief? Do the desires of our heart make our vision myopic? Do we think God so big that he couldn't be involved in the myriad of minute details that make up our life? We acknowledge him as Lord, and often as LORD, with our mouths, but is that emanating from the deepest part of our soul?

I am not convinced there is a single correct answer. It does come down to being a heart matter, but that seems too easy. But that is where I'll drive in a stake. It is all about the heart. God tells in in many, many scriptures that his focus is our heart, he works on our heart, and that he seeks to live in our heart. So is the heart important? Yes, it is.

The mind is important also. With it we consider experiential factors that inform us one way or another. We draw on our knowledge (given by God) to understand the space and time of our lives. Ultimately, though, the mind is important because it is how we get to know of God.

The soul is crucial, for we are spiritual beings and God is spirit. It is in our spirit that the three persons of the trinity have sway over me through various means. Communion happens in the spirit. And so does real comfort and real rest.

Lastly, strength must be in the positive. Not my strength, mind you, for that surely leads away from God quite possible to trust in my own self. And strength does not mean overpowering force - not my overpowering strength, anyway. No, this strength comes from God alone. This is a strength completely familiar with suffering, for God's strength provided himself as the atonement for our sin.

We needn't worry or fret over whatever God may be up to. True enough, it is difficult to know his mind. When we try to figure it out, instead of seeing his work in and through us as the riches of his blessings, we miss out and begin to question God more earnestly. All you really need to do, by his grace is laid out in this passage from Deuteronomy, chapter 6: "Hear, O Israel: The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. He wants all of me. The complete package, nothing held back.

May he show me what that means deeper each day and may I be obedient to let go of my grip on me even as I hold fast to him.

Random Delight

Today I was reminded of some great truths at worship. I know that I should not be surprised, but I always am when God shows up. And therein lies the blessing. Even now, after all God's faithfulness to his promises, after the many examples of his work in my life, not just now, but over my life, I still reserve much of what I should give up completely to him. These "surprises" help me give a bit more with each new demonstration of his love for me.  The first item in my re-education comes from the hymn "How Firm a Foundation." In the last two stanzas we sang today, I learn of God's sufficiency through trials, a purpose in the suffering, and my perseverance in him.

When through fiery trials thy pathways shall lie,
My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply;
The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design
Thy dross to consume, and thy gold to refine.

The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose,
I will not, I will not desert to its foes;
That soul, though all hell should endeavor to shake,
I’ll never, no never, no never forsake.

The remaining lessons came from the sermon, from Psalm 147:1-11. The lesson is that God delights in me (and you). We are to then delight in every day; delight is to be a part of our everyday existence. Numerous references from the Scriptures and early church fathers gives proof that God is to be our delight. And our delight comes from a reverent, awe-filled fear of God.

But it is our difficulty as believers to believe that God delights in us that I found particularly pointed, right at me. The Psalmist says that the Lord delights in those who hope in his steadfast love. God loves us with a covenantal, faithful and binding love. This love is demonstrated in the provision of the Christ, only because he delights in us. There is nothing in us that would cause a holy God to love us so lavishly. He created us, he knows us, down to our very being with all our sin, secrets and subversive scheming to rebel against him. So what possible reason could there be that God would delight in us? Because of his own good pleasure.

As I've said, I have experiences unbelievable of God's mercy, his blessings, his care for me and Cynth, especially during this time. Those experiences inform me that he delights in me, in us. What is this, but his work to refines me and purify me? Just another way in which God works that would not be my choice, but then, his ways are not my ways. And who can comprehend his ways? Who wouldn't ever thought that salvation would come by a free gift of God's grace, on the perfect obedience of Jesus, the perfect atoning sacrifice as the payment of my sin?

It goes back to a very simple song containing a truth we all know (this text taken from Project Gutenberg's Say and Seal, Volume II, by Susan Warner and Anna Warner):

"Jesus loves me--this I know,
For the Bible tells me so:
Little ones to him belong,--
They are weak, but he is strong.

"Jesus loves me,--he who died
Heaven's gate to open wide;
He will wash away my sin,
Let his little child come in.

"Jesus loves me--loves me still,
Though I'm very weak and ill;
From his shining throne on high
Comes to watch me where I lie.

 "Jesus loves me,--he will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Then his little child will take
Up to heaven for his dear sake."

We get a glimpse of this from the prophet Isaiah in chapter 62, the last half of verse 5:  and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.  Also in  Zephaniah 3:17:  The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.  As I have already mentioned, the greatest example is of the One this is all about.  Jesus teaches his disciples that he is "the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep"  in John 10:11.  And if you need further assurance, of God's delight, listen to this from Micah 7:18:  "Who is a God like you, pardoning iniquity and passing over transgression for the remnant of his inheritance? He does not retain his anger forever, because he delights in steadfast love."

Let my soul (my whole being) magnify God who delights in me and loves me with a steadfast love.

Seeing Good

Saturday after the chemo disconnect and what a good day! Started off with attending our Brother's In Christ breakfast - great food, awesome fellowship, and an inspired and inspiring message. At the conclusion, they wanted to pray for me, so I provided an update to where things are now. I was a real as ever, talking about the fears, but also the rejoicing at the opportunities to share God and the wonderful things Cynth and I see him doing in this. I had a brother on each side of me, arms around each other, while prayer was offered up for strength, peace and healing for me, Cynth, and the children.

After returning home, I cooked breakfast for Aaron, something of a ritual now. Eggs, bacon, and a bagel thin. Then we watched as our Tigers from Clemson payed well, but not well enough against #16 Miami. Rather disappointing, but it is, after all, a game. I must admit, though, for a Clemson fan whose blood, during this time of year, runs orange it is tough tot have these losses that could have easily been a win. But in the immortal words from Scarlett, tomorrow is another day.

It is funny how we allow our moods to swing, often according to what we deem to be favorable things as determined by us. We certainly do have the capacity to discern good things, but even that ability is flawed, and what we ascribe to be good is most often decided by our desires. We talk much about the good of others, making others comfortable, doing for others to bring happiness or relief.

But is our motivation all that pure? How often might we seek to serve out of a sense of obligation rather than a genuine desire to serve just because the need is great? I am as guilty of this as anyone, but I find that if I allow god to take control of the matter, am I changed in the process and find true fulfillment in the uncorrupted service for others. Ultimately, I find it is good simply to let go of my selfishness that really enslaves me and just allow God to useme as his instrument of his mercy and grace.

As he tells us in Micah, chapter 6: "With what shall I come before the LORD, and bow myself before God on high? Shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves a year old? Will the LORD be pleased with thousands of rams, with ten thousands of rivers of oil? Shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"

We need to learn to see good as God sees it, which also will help us see evil, wickedness, lawlessness as God sees it. And that will help us speak the truth to a world that needs to meet Jesus. May you be encouraged to seek to see through God's eyes what is good and right. Amen.

De Jong BBQ beef, noodles, corn, and dream whip pie, a delicious meal for Friday night.

By The Numbers

I know many of you may have been waiting for this, and I apologize for the delay, but an evening nap took hold of me after supper. In fact, it was a nap of several installments while my GA brother-in-law and I attempted to watch "Hunt for Red October," a good reminder of the Cold War environment not so recently past.

Numbers in the Bible have some great significance: seven for completeness, twelve for the tribes of Israel and the disciples. Numbers indicate order, structure, a pre-defined plan from an omniscient one. Think of the measurements for the ark, the tabernacle and all it's accoutrements. What of the detail in the plans for the temple? Then there are some other numbers, the symbology of the Book of Revelation. And the Book of Numbers describing the growth of the nation of Israel. Numbers are significant in the Bible.

It demonstrates that God's world is laid out and operates according to a plan. It is a plan of specifics that works according to certain laws. This is not to suggest that the world was simply wound up and let go like a clock. God did not create to then just sit back to watch whatever might happen. You are part of his plan as much as I am part of his plan. How else can there be any significance in anything? If all of creation is simply moving like a top on it's spindle and we are just moving about through the world seedling significance in the things that make up our days, then why have so many not found it?

Ther are some other numbers that are significant, possibly more so than the ones mentioned above. Three - the Triune God, one God, yet three persons. This is matched by the three people who together make a marriage: God, husband and wife. You may know of the illustration of the husband and wife who are drawn closer together as they draw closer to God. And the number two - the number of believers who when gathered together in the name of Christ are joined by Christ in their midst. Unity, though not a number, still conveys the singleness of purpose. A shared vision, a common walk, an inclusive hope, guaranteed to his adopted ones. And all the more certain because of the numbers throughout that demonstrate his perfect plan.

The perfect plan that called Abram to go in faith, that saw the nation of Israel to be freed from their bondage and then led into the wilderness on the way to the promised land. The perfect plan that included God's chastisement of his people for their idolatry, that saw fit to leave pictures of the coming Messiah in the sacrifices and festivals of the Israelite people, until one day, those symbols became fulfilled in the person of God the Son as he preached the kingdom of God and then submitted to the Father by taking up the cross and giving himself as the sacrice to cover my sins and your sins. He reigns now with all glory and honor, having been raised from the dead giving us this blessed hope of our glory shared in him.

By the numbers. In the eighty-six days of treatment just concluded, I have had several numbers of significance: the doctor's visits, the scans; the blood counts and of course the other blood work including the CEA score. Today we found out that this number, which at the start of treatment was around eleven, then dropped to 4.6 in the space of forty-nine days, is now at 3.6 after the last thirty-seven days. The liver enzymes, at first off-scale high, are now nearer normal, although we do have a long way to go yet.

The numbers are significant, because I see in them God's ever faithful hand working out his plan for me, in me, through me. Praise be to our Great God for his many blessings poured out on us all. Amen.

The Walk

Second day of the seventh treatment cycle.  I felt fatigued again, though not as much as after the sixth treatment.  It may be only a matter of time.  Rash-like splotches today, earlier.  Otherwise, a rather uneventful day.  It has rained now for nearly twenty-four hours, occasionally heavy at times.  In spots my yard looks like a small stream.  But I do like the rain, and am at the moment looking forward to listening to the rain outside as I go to sleep.

I worked a full day, and actually it was a little more than a full day.  And it was rather productive, getting quite a bit accomplished, and building my hours so I won't have to take so much of my leave, what little there is.  And apart from a few frustrating issues with work, I'd rather be there when I can for it helps to be occupied.  And in this particular job, I am afforded a great opportunity to work right alongside the government customer, often making policy for their processes, writing procedures, and generally running day-to-day operations.  It really is nothing glamorous, but I do take no small amount of satisfaction that what part I play has some importance and significance to our country.

It seems so strange, after nearly 26 years, to look back over the path that God has led Cynth and me down.  I never thought of leaving my home town.  I was set on pharmacy school, and working the rest of my life in a drug store in the town I grew up in.  I didn't realize it at the time, but God had orchestrated the steps that would lead me to Charleston, to meet Cynthia, and to an enlistment in the Air Force.  I was blessed to earn a navigator position, and upon completion of training, an assignment to a specialized variant of the aptly-named C-130 Hercules aircraft.  I should have mentioned in the order of things there that Cynth and I married after graduation and just three months before moving to Sacramento, CA.

God also was at work in us spiritually, leading us to churches at each duty station:  a Baptist church in Rancho Cordova, CA; a Presbyterian Church (USA) in Tucson, AZ: a Presbyterian Church (PCA) in Fayetteville, NC; Little Rock, AR, and here in Chantilly and McLean, VA.  Through all these, we enjoyed the welcome, warmth and love of God's saints.  We got involved and helped where we could and felt led by God.  These were just one example of God's intervention in our lives.  There are many others.

When I was deployed at the start-up of Operation DESERT SHIELD, I was not particularly happy to be there.  We had just brought Aaron home from the hospital after his birth two days after Iraq invaded Kuwait.  I was the lead on the planning cell that deployed most of my squadron and worked long hours immediately following the invasion as our tasking began to come in.  I was allowed to stay back until after Aaron's hernia surgery, but shortly after we got Aaron settled at home, I was on my way to join my squadron.  For the next two months, we flew familiarization sorties over Saudi Arabia, and portions of the Persian Gulf, practicing for what most of hoped would begin soon so it would end soon.  And each day, I prayed that God would get me out of there.  And he answered my prayer.

In December of that year, I was tasked to go to Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, to be part of the planning and control cell at the US Military Training facility in that capital city.  While there, my job was split, with the most time spent in the control side, coordinating with tanker units for gas, and working with the daily planners for range times and routes to and from airspace.  I did have a part in the planning of the first several days of the Air Tasking Order for Operation DESERT STORM, when and if it were given the green light.  In fact, I rejoined my unit just days prior to the start of hostilities, and flew the third sortie of the day on the first day.

Most of my crew had been flying together while I was at Riyadh, but I was given a few days to fly with them so that once we were in the real thing, we could function as a team.  And what a team it was.  We all knew each other's habits in the air and would almost know what the crew member on the radio was going to say at the appropriate time.  It goes with out saying that we were extremely happy that the job was finished quickly, and we soon received orders to re-deploy back to Tucson.

A few years as a navigator instructor in my squadron's schoolhouse, and I was off to my next flying assignment, this time in regular, old, "trash hauling" (cargo) C-130 aircraft.  It is true that our tasking came direct from the Pentagon, that we were a somewhat specialized unit, but the best part was that same character of crew members with such experience that the mission ran very smooth.  We would often land at one destination with a few more to go as we delivered and picked-up specialize cargo, and each crew member was working to get the cargo off or on the aircraft so we could get back in the air in the shortest time possible.  We had a mission to complete, even though we rarely would see the impact of our efforts.

Near the end of my flying career, I gained a place in the wing headquarters as an operations plans officer, tasked to ensure that our wing's battle staff ran according to directives, and maintaining our operational plans.  Then I was off to the Pentagon myself, taking a job first as a special projects airlift officer, then as part of the Joint Staff, coordinating between all branches of the military services for specialized support programs.

Each job was rewarding in its own way, and in each job I was enabled to take on tasks and responsibilities that I would have never known about or could have even dreamed of as that young, idealistic youth with dreams of a career as a pharmacist.  God surely moved in my life, took me to places and gave me opportunities that looking back now I am amazed at my life.

And really, I can consider it my life, but it is his story.  He reached down and grabbed me one day long ago and changed my heart.  He called me to himself, led me to repentance, gave me a heart that desired to follow him.  And slowly, over the next twenty or so years, he has constantly had to forgive me of my sin, the sin that always sought to usurp his authority over me, the sin that sought to replace him in  my life.  Even though I am not the creature he intend me to be yet, I am closer.  And I know this because he is still with me, working in me, bringing me ever closer to him.  This journey Cynth and I are now on is concrete proof of his loving mercy and grace.

Life is good.  Life now is really good.  I am constantly humbled by the opportunity that is now mine to share with so many the riches of God that I am experiencing, even in the face of sometimes overwhelming fear.  And you all are a part of this, encouraging me every day, pleading before the Father on my behalf, often not knowing how to pray, but praying just the same.  I pray with you and for you, asking God to give you strength for this journey, even as I ask for strength each day to continue as he leads.  What a joy to be surrounded by such a cloud of witnesses as these.  Keep praying, will you?  And pleas add to your pray list Cynthia ( not my wife) who is in treatment for Lyme's Disease, and her husband John who is caring for her while on a much deserved Sabbatical.  Lift them up as you continue to lift all the others that I have had the privilege to make you aware of during the last two months.  Ask God to show you the impact your work on your knees is having for me and the others you pray for.  God bless you all for your love and care.

Edwards Roast with apple gravy, collards and butternut squash - Yum, Yum.  What a treat, and Peanut Butter cookies to finish the meal.  Very good.