Three Dog Night

On my last post I alluded to having some back pain. Lower back, that is, and pretty much from left to right. By Wednesday afternoon, I had developed a small degree of pain on my right side under my rib cage, reminiscent of the pain that began this over a year ago. I had made an appointment for torture with our family doctor (a Doctor of Osteopathy). After the requisite amount of "fun" and carrying a few prescriptions we were on the way home. I've left off the pain meds, but I am continuing the muscle relaxers in the hopes that I am not just imagining being better.

The pain meds rendered me completely useless Thursday and Friday, and by Sunday I felt like I was coming out of the fog. But an episode or two of nausea, and losing a little bit of lunch just added to the overall feeling of tiredness. I was tired of the medicine, tired of the check of vitals, tired of the pain, tired of being tired, and so many other things. During the middle of the night, when it was the darkest it gets, I awoke and felt so much better. I woke Cynth up to tell her, and then finished our rest in the promise and hope of the new day.

But something was indeed different about Monday morning, more than the pain or lack thereof, or even how I felt. A significant event has occurred; actually two significant events have recently occurred. The first was on May 15, when Caleb was graduated from Christopher Newport University. What had seemed so frightening and sad for Cynth and I only five years ago was now finally here. The transition was really insidious, for it has felt as though Caleb has been on his own since 2007 or 2008.

He spent a few weeks here with us before packing what few belongings he planned to take with him (out of all that is his that remains), and driving off into the sunrise on Sunday on his way to Tampa, FL, where he will work for MITRE. Twenty years of moving for Cynth and I must have not gone unnoticed because Caleb left with all the confidence I could ever hope for him to have. We are extremely proud of his accomplishments over the last five years: his iPhone App sales, his LLC, and the business sense he has developed. We are also proud of his development as an adult. I have no worries at all about him in Tampa.

I have no worries because of God who has ordered our days. Cynth and I know that each of our children are given to us by God, for raising up children unto him. When this opportunity, or any other opportunity presented itself for Caleb, and it was unmistakeable that God was moving in a particular direction, we would still have no worries. Remember, there is no plan B. This is not to say that whatever door opens that is clear direction. All things, not the least would be our own feelings, must be tested to discern God's direction. But, he is not silent. We have no cause for worry or fear. We have all the hope and peace of God Almighty though distance and time may separate us. I am content to wait for my God.

Since you may be wondering about the title and how it relates to this post. Two small points: First, "Naturally" was the fourth album by Three Dog Night released in 1970, the third to chart in the top fifteen in the US and also their third album to be certified gold. Naturally is how this adventure for Caleb was to be, all the decisions were his alone. We might want to know specifics, but this is his time. Secondly, the fifth Three Dog Night album, "Harmony," released in 1971, became their third top ten album and fourth of their seven certified gold albums over their seven year run. The fourth track on this album is titled, "Never Dreamed You'd Leave In Summer," was written by Stevie Wonder and Syreeta Wright. Cynth nor I could ever have imagined or dreamed of the life we have had, the blessings of three wonderful children, and being witness to the things God is doing in each of their lives. We might not have dreamed of Caleb leaving in any season, but we'd been preparing for this moment, and God had been preparing us, too. All glory, laud, and honor to God.

Another (Back Ache) Monday

Monday, May 23 - another good day. I did have back pain for most of the day, which made being comfortable more of a challenge, but then I am convinced we're not supposed to be comfortable, at least not in the truest sense.

I've mentioned it here before, but I believe now more than I ever have that we have developed ourselves right into boredom, mediocrity, and a host of other ills. An illustration: Household appliances such as a vacuum cleaner, clothes washer, and others were touted to make home care so easy it would provide so much more leisure time. After all, who really wants to work, especially since it is mandated by someone else. So here in 2011, how much leisure time do we really have? Another example: With all the communications technology there is out there, does anyone really feel so much closer to their friends and loved ones? Are we well connected?

We've taken the leisure time and filled it with so much other stuff, we're all simply exhausted, and the things we've filled our spare time with soon take over and enslave us. And the communications gadgets help us all hide and allow us to keep a distance. I could summarize and say that our advancements have only helped us alienate ourselves from real relationship, real love, and real truth. We keep finding ways to reject God, as Adam and Eve did.

I've also mentioned how I would accompany my mom to visit my Aunt Christine, or my grandparents many years ago. Most of the time I would go off and play, but occasionally I would sit and sort of listen to the adult conversation. Does anyone do that anymore? Cynth and I have been overjoyed to be able to host so many events here at home. But we (all) go to work, arrive home, eat dinner, help kids with homework or watch a little tube, then it's off to bed just to do it all again the next day.

Like it or not, to some degree we live in a charade. By that I mean we want desperately to have what we believe to be an ideal relationship, the ultimate heart candy. Yet we spend almost all our energy putting up facades, keeping folks at a distance lest someone get to close and see the blemishes and we then are ridiculed or worse - left alone. All the while the one relationship that matters most we trivialize, reduce it to catchy phrases, or buzz words. Submitting to God, letting him fix your relationship with him will help all your relationships to be right.

Intellectually we know the right things, we just don't do them. Or we are led wrongly by our selfishness. The fix begins with agreeing with God that we need him as lord of our life - all of it. Our repentance has to include leaving our desires at the cross where Christ paid for our brokenness with his life and cleansed us with his blood. Then we take up our new life in him, just as he was raised from the dead to glory. And we listen, not only to the other person, but to what we are saying so we can ask for forgiveness and help to correct those things that come from a selfish heart.

A good day today, but no treatment yet. The CEA marker is up again from April, and I hope to hear Dr Felice's thoughts on that tomorrow. Thank you, so much, for your prayers and encouragement. Your are God's arms, hands, and feet, helping me and Cynth on.

Listening (to What Our God Said)

Tomorrow I'll find out whether I resume treatment or not. The scans of May 13 shows stable, if not decreasing (size of lesions on the liver) disease. No new disease, and the bone scan did not show any reaction of the body to abnormalities in the bone. The CT scan did note that there appears to have been a two millimeter growth in two of the largest nodules in my right lung, but they are still sub-centimeter and thus cannot be biopsied. The apparent increase in size can be explained as a difference in where on the nodule the measurement was taken on January 17 as compared to where on the nodule the measurement was taken this time. All in all, a good report. A CEA marker score is to be available tomorrow, and I should begin taking the Xeloda (back to four 500mg pills twice a day) but this time without the Oxalaplatin. Dr Felice is trying to rule out a cumulative effect of the chemo as the cause of the diarrhea and resulting weakness and dehydration.

A little jewel from today's sermon: good feelings, positive feelings are just that, nothing more. Kinda flies in the face of the influence of Dr. Peale, does it not? We all want to feel good, and thinking positive is certainly a way to produce good feelings. But the problem is the real world, and what happens to us when we encounter that world armed only with our good feelings and positive thinking. How many people, say just in the last century, might've been so much better off facing a real world in the knowledge of the brokenness of that world, in a relationship with the God who came to walk with each of us in this failing world?

When will we realize, or better, acknowledge, that we also are flawed. We set up expectations of how things are to be in our perfect world, then we cannot cope when the reality of the broken world dashes our goal to the ground. In the least, disappointment creeps in. After a while, when more disappointments come, the disillusionment and cynicism grows. And we begin to try to find reasons for the failure, but never ourselves.

We are so prone to fear, but we cloak it in the desires of our natural heart, that sin nature we are in constant battle with over our confession and God-seeking. The fear that grips us gives way to our plans and schemes to overcome our fears, mostly independent of God. We forget the Gospel, that the Sovereign Lord of Creation came and lived among us, taking on our flesh and bones to live the life we couldn't even to taking the death that was ours so that we could have life everlasting, by believing in him and trusting him, living in obedience to him.

As it has been said before: what will you do with Jesus? There is only obedience or disobedience. It seems as if we share the Gospel with someone and they would be okay either way - no consequence to choosing not to submit to his Lordship, but "living forever" if they do. I think it not only right but imperative to let the lost know that their decision is a life-or-death decision, that this chance (oportunity right here, right now) will make the difference between obedience leading to life and disobedience that brings death. And you know what? If we believe in him, submit to him, then we can have no fear because he has power over all, and that he walks with us to meet all our needs.

Scanning Away

Today's scan appointment turned out very different than expected. For some reason it never dawned on me that the bone scan would require over three hours (due to the insertion of a radioactive dye). So they injected the dye and then did the CT scan (after the drinking of the barium sulfate), then after another hour or so, we did the bone scan. So I didn't go to work since the scans took most of the day. We did get the report from the CT scan along with a copY of the film.

The nodules in the lung continue to grow, but are still sub-centimeter, though the largest one is just barely sub-centimeter. And the lesions on the liver have all decreased, and there is no new masses anywhere. There was no mention of the L1 mass in this report, so I hope the bone scan will give us more about that.

So, encouraging news for a Friday the Thirteenth. I do not think for a minute that such results just happen, anymore than these present circumstances just happen. We pray, and you pray with us. God hears and is faithful to what he has purposed to do. There is still such a long road ahead, but I would not want to be in any other place for what I see God doing: his faithful comfort, peace and strength, and his use of me.

Many others are seeing God as faithful in their struggles also. You all have included many of those listed in these posts over the last eleven months in your prayers. Some have already experienced God's healing in ways that can only be called miraculous. Please add to you list Dave (a co-worker) and Miss Lily (neighbor of a friend) both who are fighting health struggles. These are already encouraged by the prayers of family and friends, but knowing that this is a network of praying people, they will no doubt be blessed by your including them in your prayers.

The Next Day

Somebody must have been joining in prayer after last night's post because today I had no pain on my right side. I did have aching on the lower left of my back that occasionally was accompanied by moderate discomfort and sharper pain. But today was a really good day, not as though yesterday was a bad day. I just need reminding, more often it seems, that life is still good.

Here in Centreville, our local community paper carries an article by a fellow who is in his second year of a battle with cancer. Reading his articles, it appears that he is riding the roller coaster, but with a definite end in sight. He only touches on the fringe of faith, and has as much as scoffed that faith for people experiencing cancer is only a salve for their psyche, not anything of real value.

I've thought about writing a counter opinion, but I don't believe I have been led to that just yet. Instead I continue reaching out to those that God pushes my way in opportunities to share even one small thing about what is like to be me right now. I've had the honor of a co-worker come tell me his good news regarding potential prostate cancer that seems to be only an infection. This older gentleman tells me how much my sharing my experience and faith with him just prior to his series of tests meant to him. To that I say praise God.

We certainly are capable of looking at life as just a series of events that end upon death, almost like the board game "Life." if that really is all there is, what a waste! Why have intelligence, the capacity to create, the ability to be artistic, or see beauty? If there is nothing more to life here (or any truth to hope for eternity) are we not like an ant farm? Are we only going through the motions of a semblance of real life? No.

As the Spirit has worked the Word into our hearts convincing us of God and his holiness, our sin condition which keeps us from God, and God's provision of his son as the satisfaction of our debt of sin by his death on the cross, we know that there is more to this life here. Through his resurrection and the work the Spirit continues to do toward reconciliation and restoration we are assured of more to life in eternity.

Life here and now with nothing more than doing the daily routine with only death at the end offers no understanding for the struggles we go through. There is no context for understanding the world. I wonder at folks who hold this view. They do so because it is the only way they can believe they are in control, not answerable to a higher power. Yet there is no control at all in a view based on happenstance. Maybe, if I do write a counter view to our local friend, he will see more purpose in the events of life than merely a path to the next day.

Letting You In

It occurred to me today that over the last eleven months I have had numerous ups and downs. You all have been there to rejoice with me over the good things, but I think I've neglected to speak up on the bad at the onset. I mean to correct this error.

Yesterday I was almost completely done in after work. I felt drained and spent about five and a half hours in a nap. Today, although I began much better, I am experiencing some rather excruciating lower back pain. This evening, that was joined by sharp pains in my right side just below my rib cage, nearly the same spot it had been one year ago. The side pain is noticeable when I breathe, especially deep breaths. Cynth, and likely many of you, think I should go to the doctor or ER. Not just yet.

I'll see how I am in the morning and decide then. Speaking of doctor visits, our check-up last Friday went really well, and I am scheduled for a CT scan and a whole body bone scan on Friday. Please continue to pray, specifically that this pain, back and side, would go away, and that the scans on Friday will show much improvement. Regardless, I know that God is working in this struggle, and I only want to be faithful to his calling on my life in this place.

Thank you for the freedom to let you in and your desire to join me.

To The Mom's in My Life

I still find myself thinking back to last year before we know what we now know, and marveling over the turn that can happen in so short a period. But isn't that what I've said here before . . . that we go along as life happens, for the most part enjoying our circumstances, only occasionally finding that things are not to our liking, and really crushed when something really bad happens. We are almost predisposed toward being the center of our universe, and when things disrupt that universe, it is almost always because we need reminding that we are not the center of the universe. Even if we happen to begin thinking that we don't fit in, we don't measure up, we are still considering that we are at the center of everything. It is just that now, we feel unjustly wronged somehow, and we want sympathy and justice to make things right.

In either case, we disavow that there is something much bigger to life, something more, and we are to play the part we've been given to the best of our ability. Wears meant to recognize that it is God's story, this life we are living, and we get to help write our portion of it with his help. During our days we get pointers, signs, help to discern what has been and, sometimes, a glimpse of what might be ahead.

Those pointers come from various places: friends good enough to speak truth to our heart, a pastor, our spouse, sometimes even our kids. All these and so many others, even a non-believer can be used by God to speak his truth to us. Mothers are especially gifted for this, although they too suffer as we all do from the same natural bent toward self. My mom spoke truth to me more than I can probably remember. And being a parent now, watching Cynth deal with so many issues, to include our children, I see how much unconditional love a mom has for her children. As a dad, I also love my children unconditionally, but there is something very unique between the mother and her child.

I believe it is why God so often uses the image of a mother to describe his care for us. The conclusion we should have is that if a mother cares, shelters, and provides for her young so much, will not God do also, since he is faithful in his word with which he has promised us? We are to understand God's unfailing love by our experiences with all our relationships, especially those with our parents. Even in the hard things, which thankfully, I was not sheltered from completely, we are to see God's love for us, even as we know our mother our father loved us enough to let us experience those hard things by remaining at our side.

This day today we remember Mom, Grandmom, and if we are so blessed, Great-Grandmom. We remember them for their love, but also for their tireless work on our behalf, chastening and instructing, cleaning after and providing, dressing our wounds and kissing where it hurt. Happy Mother's Day to all of the moms in my life. I hope that you see in me the honor I have of belonging to you.

Elementary?

Finally, I think I am back to normal . . . mostly, anyway. Last week I was blessed to work the entire week, and then I followed that with a nearly full day working outside on Saturday. The end result was a little more fatigue over the last few days. A nap this afternoon may provide help for tomorrow. Through it all, God has again been faithful.

We continue to be so blessed by people from all over. I know that we are being lifted to God with petitions for renewed strength, for continued healing and for peace. God is increasing my strength. It seems slow, according to my wishes, but it is not for me to complain about that nor think that I am forsaken. Again, I have to take this to Christ who alone is working out these things for his glory and my good.

I am fond of reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes, though I am not a "Holmsian" scholar as some are, but I do know just a few items of trivia concerning the great fictional detective. For example, Mr. Holmes never says to Watson, "Elementary, my dear Watson." The stories and the most recent theatrical version does show Holmes to be human with many flaws, in contrast to the previously more famous characterization by Basil Rathbone. Another example is the deerstalker cap, added only by the illustrator Sidney Paget, who by the way was not the Paget the editors of the Strand magazine wanted as the artist to give Holmes a face.

What is not up for dispute are the skills Doyle gives to Holmes enabling him to be the consummate consulting detective. Anything but elementary, Holmes is described as well read, studious, and knowledgable about a varied range of seemingly trivial information, but all which contributed to his resources for deduction. Not that his breadth of knowledge as it pertained to the criminal mind is insignificant, but his power of observation and attention to the smallest of details he would identify as his greatest asset.

Life is anything but elementary. We live lives in a world that knows (experiences) good and evil, just as the first man was warned if he chose disobedience. But God was not pleased to leave us alone in our misery. He took on flesh to live as we live, in a corrupted world, but in perfect obedience to the Father. He was obedient even to death, taking on himself the wrath due us for our rebellious hearts, to free us from sin. He was raised from the death to give us assurance (a reality of hope) of life eternal for those who believe.

We are given his Spirit, the Comforter, to guide us in discerning God in our lives through his word. So we live, seeking sanctification that comes not from men but from the only Holy One. We live, observing the evil around us, and with the Holy Spirit, the evil in our hearts. We live, by his grace, in continual dying to self so that Christ truly lives through us. Anything but elementary.

What it is is freedom. Freedom to live in humility, and love for others. Freedom to live in obedient faith and the hope we have in Christ. In that freedom, we live imperfectly as children of the Most High, putting our hand in trust out for his hand to guide as our Father. Life following Christ as Lord may not be elementary, and it doesn't bring ease of days, but it is easier than living in the darkness of sin and corruption. Doyle describes Holmes as one who brings to light that which is covered seemingly in darkness.

Thanks be to God for the light of his word which illumines our way, helps us see him, convicts us of our sin, and prompts our repentance. Praise be to him who by his mercy forgives and cleanses us from all unrighteousness, and prepares us for eternal life with him.