Unbreakable

Friday. Another week done, Sunday's on the way, and next week comes treatment number three. To date, we are humbled to realize how we have been blessed. We have experienced no adverse reactions or ill side effects from the treatment. We are grateful and praise God continually for His mercy to us. We also are watchful, knowing that there are four cycles left, we can still experience side effects. Regardless, God is good.

Last night I mentioned the movie Signs. Tonight, another M. Night Shyamalan feature comes to mind. This movie proposes that for one who is weak in the extreme, there must be a person who is powerful beyond compare. To develop the story, a train wreck leaves the sole survivor with the idea that he is superhuman, and lives to complete his calling (as it were). The superhuman goes through the movie experiencing seemingly supernatural powers on the way to acting out heroism, breaking up criminal acts. In the end, he discovers that the train accident was one of several actions arranged and executed by the weak one in the story solely for the purpose of finding the superhuman counter to his weakness.

For the believer, we know that our weakness is an opportunity for our sin to take control of our heart and mind. Yet it is in our weakness that Christ is strong, and in our union with Him, we become strong. We are especially adept at our weakness. We're very good at our weakness, after all it is our nature and we've been aT it a very long time. We are constantly trying and attempting to figure things out on our own, to fix the messes we make, and to justify ourselves with others, with ourselves, to be right.

But God wants only that we have faith and walk with Him. Through Christ we already have justification, and by His Spirit we are strengthened beyond our abilities and our understanding to loves others as God loves - unconditionally. Christ's strength becomes ours even in the face of unthinkable pain and suffering. Remember the Shepherd's Psalm? God is forever with me, and He gives exactly what I need to be what He wants me to be. Even this illness, to borrow a phrase, it is a gift full of opportunity for me. An opportunity to serve Him and others in ways I couldn't imagine. This is why I praise God.

I know you are all praying for me, and each day that I'm given is evidence that God hears and is working. He is at work on my fear, anxiety, frustration and anger to grow my faith in Him.

I pray that God will continue to bless you and draw you to Him so that you experience His peace.

Signs

No.  This will not use anything from the M. Night Shyamalan movie from 2002, although I probably could.  Instead, I'll talk briefly about signs as they relate to my experience with cancer thus far, and see where I go from there.

If you've been following this long, you may remember that I had no indications whatsoever that cancer was working on my body.  As I try, very hard, to remember when I began to notice anything, anything at all, all I can remember are little things that I thought were anything other than the diagnosis we received just over five weeks ago now.   I cannot remember when the pain in my right side began.  That pain eventually took us to the ER at Inova Fair Oaks, and thence through the many doctor's visits and tests that followed.

Now, as you will recall from more recent posts, I find myself examining intently anything in the slightest out of the abnormal because it may be linked either to the disease or to the treatment.  The fatigue, for example, I know may set in as a result of anemia from decreased red blood cell count.  I have felt a little tired late in the day on a few occasions lately, but nothing at all like I had been feeling prior to the week after my first treatment.  And you'll remember my post of Tuesday last when I described the pain in my thighs that I was hoping wasn't linked to the disease on the L1 vertebra.

All of these "signs" do have meaning, indicating something.  Maybe they point to that which we've been told to watch for, or maybe they have a different source and purpose.  This is not unlike signs of another sort.  The Apostle John wrote of signs in his gospel, those things Jesus did during His earthly ministry.  And John's narrative conveyed a purpose behind the sign - pointing to the Christ and the work He was sent to accomplish.  From the very first sign, Jesus demonstrates His work of change from the ordinary into the extraordinary by changing water into wine, and not just any wine.  The text tells us it was the best.  All of Jesus' signs bear testimony to His power and His union with God the Father.  In this, these signs were singular in their source and purpose.  Much the same as we were created.

We were created to have an intimate relationship with the One True God.  God gave us the blessing of human relationships to share His love and to demonstrate His relationship with us.  Yet we couldn't be satisfied with obedience to Him, and so we who were created in His image, and intended to reflect and point to Him became marred, flawed, broken and corrupt.  Now we reflect our own natures, our own desires and our own will.  Still, God calls us to return to Him.  He has paid the price we owed for our rebellion, and freely given to us the right to be called sons of the Most High.  We are clothed with His glorious righteousness when before we were clothed with filthy rags.  God has reconciled us and given to us the ministry of reconciliation.  What then should we do?

Turn from our sin (repent).  Seek God.  Read His Word.  Offer ourselves daily to reflect His glory.  Even though we will not reflect perfectly here on this Earth, we are called to obedience to show Him to a world that is rapidly hardening against Him.  Remember, we have to let go of the results or else we are working for ourselves, not His Kingdom.  We reflect Him as only we can, God will work in those who will come to Him.

I still continue to have good days.  And I still have moments that are filled with the lowness of the dark valley.  I do not despair that God is then distant, but I chaff against the circumstances that are meant for my growth.  In these things, though, I know (as Job did) that my redeemer lives, and I can praise Him, even in the storm.

What kind of sign are you?  What do you point to?

The Limits of the Almighty

So Cynth bought tickets for last night's Washington Nationals game against the Atlanta Braves. I did a little walking, and we saw a pretty good game, despite the pitching switch just before gametime. All during the day Tuesday I did not experience any of the upper leg pain I had on Monday. I was pretty well rested, and so Tuesday, again, was a day filled with evidence after evidence of God's blessing.

If I might take a moment, there are others who are battling disease in various stages. Some are relatives of mine, others are friends, and others are the relatives of friends. As you all pray, please include Elva, Joe, Pam, Debbie, Mark, Rick, Steve, Frank, Alan, Marie, Dan, Dennis, Olivia, Justin, my co-workers nephew and all their families in prayer also. Pray for healing, and God's mercy and peace as they continue to walk through this trial.

Many of you know this already, but I began this as a means to post what was happening with me physically, but over time it has become a vehicle to share the rest of me, so you are getting a complete package here. Just as I shared in Tuesday's post about the moments that are inhabited with frustration, I am going to demonstrate how much I continue to desperately need Christ my Redeemer, and the Holy Spirit to grow me.

I think of Job, who exhibits a determination to hold his view that God has wronged him, but he is sure that God really will advocate for and vindicate him. Job and his "friends" spend a lot of breath debating faith in a sovereign God, while wrestling with why bad things happen to "good" people. In short, God illustartes that the reasons behind human suffering are often hidden from us. In addition to the "affront" that this is to our human nature, it causes us to acknowledge that there are things we simply cannot do anything about, much less have any control.

One of his friends asks Job, "Can you find out the deep things of God? Can you find out the limit of the Almighty?" God illustrates there are things beyond our understanding, leading Job to acknowledge that he spoke about things he did not understand, and upon "his eyes seeing [God]," Job repents.

Paul similarly talks about the deep things of God, naming them this "mystery.". In Colossians 1:27,Paul writes, "To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

This is the power that is working in my life, even now and even as I walk through the valleys of doubt, anger, and frustration, whether because of my disease and the impact, or the reality that I experience those dark valleys. Just like Job, God is instructing me to listen to Him as He counsels me. He is ever faithful, gentle, and full of compassion.

Ponder the mysteries of God with me.

Change?

Monday, July 26. Today spent most of the day wondering whether the ache I felt in my thighs might be related to the L1 Vertebra. Dr. Altemus did say to watch for that as a sign that we would go ahead with radiation. But neither Cynth nor I slept well Sunday night, and I remember my legs being restless a little more than usual. Otherwise during the day Monday I could move without problem. Still no sign of any of the more dreadful side effects. I do experience a little mouth numbness, and I was a little tired Monday afternoon. Still, I have much to be so thankful for, which brings me to my subject: Change?


First, my premise is that I am far more corrupt than I can ever understand. I used this a few days ago, and Monday I got a taste of it. I didn't grasp (or acknowledge?) that anything was bothering me, but all it took was a comment shot back at me that led to an eruption. Of course what follows is more of the same old thing: trying to justify why, trying to present myself as right, trying to get in the dig without looking like I am looking to dig. In the meantime, I gave opportunity for escalation beyond the circumstances worth. I didn't even try to give Jesus a chance. I simply rushed in headstrong, and hurt others as well as myself.

When Jesus takes over, our lives change. Paul tells us we are no longer slaves to sin, meaning that I am not committed to continuing the wrong to make myself right. We are a new creation - instantaneously, because now Christ reigns within and we have a relationship with Him where before there was enmity. But there is a process that will last until Glory, that of being yoked together with Christ, as we heard on Sunday. Through that process, the Spirit continually works to lead, guide, instruct, and correct. But we must do something first. This something takes two steps: laying down my burden (of working to be acceptable), and taking up Christ's yoke. Only by this can we who are fallen yet forgiven ever grow as God has designed. It is a constant giving over to Christ, a complete emptying of myself so that I diminish as He increases. Sound simple? Clearly, it is not. There is no magic potion, pill, or incantation. There is only the doing.

Sometimes little nuggets of truth can be found in the oddest of places. Many years ago, with the release of STAR WARS: The Empire Strikes Back, the character of Yoda, the Jedi Master Luke Skywalker visits for training was memorable because of his size and his manner of speaking. At one point, Luke tells Yoda he will "try" to do that which Yoda instructs. Yoda answers, "Try? Do, or do not! There is no try." I fell to my own sin yesterday because I didn't do. Interestingly, I even gave the response that "I tried to keep it from escalating." Ironic?

Secondly, and to continue the thought above: I am loved far more than I could ever imagine. God takes me - just as I am. Which is a good thing, because I have nothing at all to offer Him. He has done everything for me to be free from my sin, to be free to turn to Him, to be free to love unconditionally (meaning no expectations), and to be free to follow Him. I think this is one possible meaning of "bearing one another." We all are fallen, and to the extent we have faith, trust in God, and follow Jesus, we are going to respond to each other somewhere along the grand spectrum of right or wrong. If we truly love as God loves, then our need is abdicated in favor of the One who supplies all our needs. Another way to say it, our drive for righteousness is torn down by the One who became righteousness for us and who gives us His righteousness by His free gift of grace.

Here's to change to what God wills through Christ the redeemer by His Spirit.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow

An observation at lunch today had someone asking why a man that had just walked by would have shaved his legs.  "He's a swimmer," or "He's a bicyclist," were a couple of the answers.  And to the puzzled look that followed, the explanation came that shaving the hair on the legs reduced drag to help them gain advantage.  I'll come back to this in a while.

Another good day.  In fact, a great day.  A wonderful timely message on entering Christ's rest (taken from Matthew 11).  Bottom line?  We don't rest because we have, everyone, broken the first commandment.  Understanding that the commandments were given as a guide to have restful life in the One who gives us life, and also to aid us to be Salt, Light and thus a blessing to the world, we come face-to-face with our own inadequacy in the simple fact that we don't want what is really, really best for us.  We do everything we can to be in control , to fix everything, to measure up, to be acceptable, to be worthy of something bigger than ourselves - and so we don't rest.  Our hearts create idol after idol (breaking the first commandment), and supplant the only true lover of our souls with things we create that can never satisfy us (hence the constant drive for more, more, more).  The answer to this is to go to Jesus with our burden, and "take on His yoke," which is to accept union with Him for His guidance, instruction, leading and correction in the way to real rest.

If you'll remember, two weeks ago at this time I was experiencing fever.  Not so this time . . . yet, anyway.  And the only "events" that seem to be going on is a little affecting of my tastes (food and drink all beginning to taste the same), and even a little numbness in the mouth.  That is a new and unexpected thing, but it is happening, so I tell you about it.  All in all, I cannot complain.

Or can I?  This still stinks.  It has been life altering in ways that I never would've imagined.  My schedule, the daily routine, is all messed up.  Now, I cannot really plan for events.  I have to say, "I'll have to see how I feel," because toward the end of the day I may be tired, or I might be experiencing any of the other side effects that would necessarily inhibit some small degree of normalcy.  But can I really complain?  A favorite saying of mine if I really don't want to do something goes like this:  "I'd rather go to the dentist for a root canal," or "I'd rather poke myself in the eye."  This is far and above much worse and I couldn't begin to tell you how I at times hear in my head, "I don't want to do this."  But do I have anything, anything at all to really complain about?

First, I know that, although I am far worse a sinner than I could ever know, I am loved far more than I could ever imagine.  And God showed me this by the evidence of a changed life . . . my life, even though it is still very much a work in progress.  It all begins with Him, you see.  And though I sometimes exert myself into the place where only He is to be and reign (the center, the core of my soul), I know it.  Then I am able to repent and be gently led by the Spirit to the way.  Secondly, I know that God works in all things, even the terrible things that we think, "Why couldn't God do something about that," or even, "Why would a loving God allow such things to happen?"  The simple answer is that God does grieve that the world, His creation, including us His prized possession (as He named us in Scripture) endures the effects of Sin and corruption in the world.  But through  it He works His plan of grace for our salvation and the redemption of all things.  The question each of us should ask is "What does this mean for me?"  Remember Pilate?  He, too had a question when faced with the Jesus in history - "What I am to do with this man?"  Had Jesus really been the political activist that the Romans feared, or the blasphemer that the Jews hated, there would not have been any question.  Yet, Pilate had to ask, "What am I to do with this man?"  So, I ask you - What are you to do with Jesus?  Pilate took a course that led to political expediency, but in reality he acted out the plan of the Most High God.  Right there, on this tiny stage of Jerusalem, in the midst of the Jewish festival meant to commemorate the provision of God to supply the means for His people to escape death (Abraham's near-sacrifice of Isaac and the Exodus), God orchestrated all things to put His sacrificial provision on display for all the world to see - Jesus hung on a cross.

Jesus, according to Scripture, determined the time He would die, saying, "It is finished."  And after the third day, reports that the tomb where He was laid was found empty were not refuted, for the Risen Christ appeared to all the disciples in many various places and over many days.  Our trouble is we cannot accept this because to do so causes us to acknowledge, deep down that we can never, never, never do anything to be worthy of such love and grace because we do know something of the Sin that resides in our hearts.

What are you to do with Jesus?  My prayer, if you don't know Him personally, is that He will work in your heart to call you to Himself and bring you into a personal relationship with Him, so you too can find rest.  In that rest is the freedom to say, "I don't want to do this," "This stinks," and even, "I hate that You are allowing this for me."  He simply says to me, "Come to me, take my yoke, learn from me, and I will give you rest."

So, what is new for today?  Let me preface it by saying that Cynth has been pointing out for a few months that I have the smoothest ankles she's even seen.  It is true . . . my ankles, and about an inch and a half above my ankles is smooth, I think from the socks and boots I've worn for many years.  And those of you who know me know that when I retired from the USAF in 2006, I went through a phase where I let my hair grow out.  At one point, my hair was as long as Cynthia's (that's when I got it cut).  Still, I left it a little on the longer side (Cynth is happy to know I could have hair).  After all, she came along after I had committed to the Air Force, so all she's ever know of my hair is a military style.

I want to state first that I don't consider myself to be overly prideful about my hair.  I do want it to look presentable, but beyond that, I am not concerned (for example) about the grey or white that is creeping in.  And, as you might suspect, hair loss is one of the possible side effects of the chemo.  I had even begun to say that I was looking forward to seeing how I would look bald.  No other Davenport men have been bald (at least as far as I know).  And it remains to be seen whether I will have such an opportunity.

But this morning, as I showered, I did have a handfull of hair in my hands as I washed and rinsed my hair.  The tell me it will likely be some thinning, but probably nothing more.  No worries.  It is just another thing for me to relinquish to God and say, " Whatever you will."  This morning, in fact, it was just a little funny.  So I am losing hair.  But I have life.  The life I now live here in this world will pass . . . could be tomorrow, next month, or thirty years from now.  God alone knows.  But I have an assurance of eternal life with the Creator, God the Father and His Son, where I will praise Him forever.

So, my title really ought to be "Here Today, There Tomorrow."  God bless.

Day 18, & the Last Day for Decadron (This Cycle)

The first event when I go for treatment is the Taking of the Vitals: weight, blood pressure, temperature. Then they access the mediport to check the various blood counts. Next, they give two injections for anti-nausea. One is Decadron, and is now believed to be the cause behind the onset of eye focusing problems and a tongue that feels like it's three feet thick causing me to experience some discomfort trying to pronounce certain words at about two hours into the treatment. And after the first day of the treatment cycle I am to take two Decadron per day through day four of the cycle. Interesting that I don't have the focusing or speech sensations do not occur during this time.

God yet again has blessed us with a good day. I hated that we couldn't join the last Classic Movie Night. The selection was to be The Lion In Winter. I've seen it before, and even more. My ninth grade homeroom teacher at Easley Junior High School was Gwen McCall. Mrs. McCall played the role of Eleanor of Aquitaine at the Greenville (SC) Little Theater a little over thirty years ago. Mrs. McCall also happens to the mother of Marty McCall, formerly of the early Contemporary Christian group Fireworks, later First Call, and now is a worship leader at McLean Bible Church here in Northern Virginia. Fireworks was one of the first Christian groups I was introduced to by my new friends at Baptist College of Charleston (now Charleston Southern University).

This is relevant because it serves to show how small this world is. Marty also had a battle with a serious illness, and I believe he is doing better now. Dan Fogelberg last year lost his battle with prostate cancer. And I currently know five close friends and the sister of a sixth who are each in various stages of their own battle against cancer. What is the point of all this?

I used to hear often that God is no respecter of persons. Really? It is true that rain falls on the Godly and wicked (those that don't know God or what acknowledge Him as God). This truth cuts both ways, meaning that God pours out His blessings generally in a way that even those who are without a relationship with God (loosely from Hebrews 6:7), and the consequences of this broken world still affect the Godly and wicked alike.  God could step in and stop the terrible things that happen to people all across this planet - the sickness, natural disasters, evil at the hands of mankind upon mankind - He is "I Am," the name He called Himself when asked of Moses on Mt. Sinai.  He is saying He is all there ever has been, all there is now, and all that will be.  He exists because, and He wanted to share Himself with His creation.  That's why we're here.  He wants to be in an intimate relationship with us, He chooses an intimate relationship with us, and created a path to that intimate relationship by taking on our sin that we introduced into the world because of our rebellion to make our own way.  We didn't want to be told that there were things we couldn't have, and we became jealous that an all-powerful God would deliberately keep us from having what so obviously was good for us to make us like Him (Genesis 3).

Yet in his plan, He became like us (not us becoming like Him), taking on a temple of flesh like man, to be tempted as man, yet living a life of perfect obedience to God the Father, even unto death on the cross as the perfect sacrifice for our sins - our sins.  Conquering death, so that we who believe in Him will have eternal life - the life we were meant for.  This plan doesn't negate the effects of the Fall from Genesis 3:  In this life people (all people) still will get sick, natural disasters will still occur, and mankind will continue to be corrupt and scheme evil against their fellow man (The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds, there is none who does good.  Psalm 14:1)  Even in the things we believers do, thinking we are good, cannot be counted for salvation because we are still fallen creatures and if we are really honest, our motives for doing "good" things is not so pure. 

This is why God demonstrates from Genesis 3:15 that redemption would be supplied by Him, through the manner of His choosing, not by any actions of me or you.  It took all His love, poured out at Calvary, and His might to provide the perfect sacrifice granting us forgiveness of sin that enables us to approach God the Father, and to conquer the death (eternal separation) we deserve (formerly) as creatures of wrath.  Now we who believe have access through Christ the conqueror to God, being reconciled to Him through the finished work of Christ on the cross and we have the assurance of eternal life, with God and Christ where we will glorify Him and enjoy Him forever.  And the process from here to there, as long as we are in this world that is broken because of our rebellion against this Holy God, will be filled with evil and corruption.  In this justice is love, also.

Okay, how did I get here?  This message is for all who will hear.  Just like the rain that falls on the just and the unjust (Matthew 5:45).  It carries blessings for those who hear and heed its call.  Those who are searching for meaning - true meaning and significance - what more can there be but that you are more loved than you could ever imagine just because?  Freely given by the God of all grace, His love poured out for you while even yet a creature of wrath, deserving death.  Why would you turn away?  This message also carries a warning.  For those who hear and turn away, your heart continues to harden against His love.  Soon He begins to let you go your way, hardening your heart much the way He hardened Pharaohs's heart in Exodus (see also Romans 1:18-32, but you really should read the entire book to see the fullness of God's redemptive plan.)

After Jesus' resurrection, He and the disciples had eaten a breakfast of fish the disciples had caught by the Sea of Tiberias.  Peter expressed concern about John, because Jesus had indicated that Peter would die in a certain manner and then commanded that Peter follow him.  Upon hearing Peter say (indicating John)," Lord, what about this man?,"  Jesus replied, "What is it to you if he should remain until I come again?  You follow me." (John 21:20-22.  Also read the Gospel of John for the revelation of Christ through His ministry, death and resurrection and the picture it provides for the Kingdom of God.)

I thank all of you who have continued to read and I pray that God is using this in a mighty way in your life, just as it is bearing much fruit for us.

The Stone-made Beef & Barley soup was totally delicious.

We are so grateful for the love you all shower upon us.

Day 17 - And More Change

For the second time now, I am " Bob-less," except I have my stepfather Bob, mother Martha, sister Beth and my brother-in-law Jeff. Their visiting for a few days and it's great to have them here.

We asked today about follow-up scans: We expect them to be scheduled after the fourth cycle of chemo, about mid-August. At the point, we expect that Dr Felice will want to go ahead with radiation on the L1.

And we're good with that. We know beyond any doubt that This is being used by God. It has given me so much opportunity to share about the Lord and His truth, and for that I am so, so grateful.

For some, I know you might think that I speak (write) as though I am living in some kind of denial of the reality of my circumstance. I have given that not a small amount of thought. That's where the beauty of the gospel is most clear. You see, the reality is that we are all flawed, as God says is sin, and without any hope in the world. Not real hope. This is because our sin is a barrier, keeping me and you from the relationship we were created for. But in spite of our sin, God loved us so much that he made the way for us to be reconciled to Him and have that personal relationship with Holy God, the only wise God and the Creator who made me and you and already knows each of us intimately. Even though we have faith in this God who loves us and counts us as His adopted children, we are still fallen creatures, broken, and marred, imperfect image bearers of God. This is the reason that the unbelieving world has trouble seeing God. Look at the selfishness and idol-bearers in the church. We are still fallen, sinners that have to rely each day on this Holy God for our provision of His love, mercy, grace, and peace. This means that God knows my anxiety, my fear, my doubts, my frustration. He loves me enough to want me to tell Him anyway. Because when I open to Him, and He allows me to dump my humanness on Him, He listens and works His mercy and peace into me, and this turns into grace for the journey.

We thank God for all of you who are with us on this way.

Now, thanks to the De Jongs for the most excellent "Salads Sharon."

Day 16 - And the Change Just Keeps On Coming

I've passed the first twenty-four hours much as I did after the first day of the last treatment - no "excitement" to speak of.  Well, except for that little problem falling asleep last night, I think probably because I was on adrenaline.  After the day getting hooked up, getting reacquainted with "Bob," I came home and broke out my Uncle Runt's (mentioned last night) Fender Bass.  Now, those of you who might want to recruit me, let me just say that I have taught (loosely used) myself to play a very few things ONLY by ear.  And my fingers are not as long and nimble as they should be, thanks to my reluctance to practice piano when I had the chance.  Speaking of piano, I mentioned listening to Chicago first many, many years ago.  One of my favorite songs is actually part of a larger piece on Chicago II  (actually titled Chicago), "Ballet for a Girl in Buchannon".  The song, "Colour My World," for those who may be unfamiliar, is founded upon a series of arpeggios in the right hand on the piano with a simple bass line in the left.  Despite my complete, steadfast reluctance to practice piano, I did manage to eek out "Colour My World" if only to my satisfaction.  Enough of my musical musings for now.

So let's talk changes (and you should know I hate changes).  First, there was the initial read of the PET scan that Dr Felice's PA gave, saying that there was a small mass (1cm) in the L1 vertebra and pushing into the epidural space (her words).  Then Dr Felice described it as a small spot of disease on the costal process.  He did not describe as being in the bone and did not give an indication that it was pushing into the spinal canal or epidural space.  He did recommend meeting with a radiation oncologist to get their recommendation, and afterward the two drs would consult on the best course of action.  Today, we met with Dr Altemus, and after an hour and a half we are back to waiting this out.  I'll try to explain.  There is a small spot of disease, and it is on the right side of the L1 vertebra, and it is slightly bulging against the wall of the spinal canal.  It is also radiating out the costal process, which puts it into contact with the nerves radiating out which control the upper legs, bowel and bladder control, muscle and other motor activities of the lumbar region of the back.

Her first comment after giving a summary of where we have been since early May, is that she was contacted because of back pain.  Back pain is to be distinguished from the low, dull ache I feel in the sacral region after sleeping hard on it, or working outside for an extending period.  This ache, which I have felt for many years usually goes away after I eat, or with a few Motrin, or simply resting.  Somehow the Drs had all gotten the notion that I was having pain in the lumbar, or in my thighs, neither, of course is factual.

So, Dr Altemus gave us options:  The chemo I am now receiving is the compliment of the very best drugs for the particular cancer I have (rectal memetastasized to the liver and also the L1) and will work on the cancer on the L1 the same that it would on the liver and rectal tumor.  Therefore, the first option is to wait until the scans following the chemo to determine the real impact of the chemo on the L1 mass.  The next option is to do the radiation as a preventative measure.  In the cast of the first option, if the L1 mass is gone after completing chemo, then we do nothing.  If it is shrunk, we could do radiation, or try more chemo.  If the chemo had no effect at all (mass still the same) or it has grown or is now causing pain, then radiation becomes the course of treatment.  In fact, if at any time I begin to experience pain as they have described, or any other effects that can be reasonably attributable to the L1 mass, then I call Dr Altemus and treatment begins right away.

The liver masses, as we have come to know, is a primary concern, mainly because of the limited options for treatment and its linkage to other parts of the body through the blood supply.  The L1 mass is next because of the risk of damage to the L1 (compression fracture from weakened bone) and the danger of encroaching on the spinal column (pressed against bone not allowing its movement leading to loss of motor skills in the thighs) and the affect of damaging the nerves radiating out from the L1 that could also affect motor responses.

I have written here and spoken to many that we see God at work in all these things.  First, just in the manner in which it (the cancer in general) was discovered.  No symptoms of any kind leading one to colorectal cancer as a possibility until the revealing hemoccult test performed at my family physician's office in early June.  What followed in quick progression is doctor after doctor spending copious amounts of time to explain every possibility, every estimate based on the facts of the tests and scans, one great doctor leading to another great doctor.  Dr Altemus already had a file nearly 2 inches thick on me before she even sat down with us.  And she had reviewed the scans that we took to her, but before that she had gotten a look at the scans most concerning her before and manipulated the scans to get the best picture for what she wanted to see.

So while this visit did not move us further down the field in terms of specific treatment at this time, we continue to move toward the goal.  And now we have another great member of our care team, one who wants to be kept informed and receive copies of future scans and tests.

Therefore, I know - WE know - God is working through all these circumstances.  Nothing is without His knowledge.  It is this knowledge, that is getting us through the moments of thoughts like,"I can see why people facing this would say, 'Why bother?  There is no guarantee.  I cannot even get a read on the percentages - that there is a 50-50 chance, or 30-70,  or 60-40.  And to go through all of this for that kind of uncertainty - for what?'  (Voiced by me today as we left the doctor's office.)

How can positive thoughts stand against this kind of onslaught?  I'll tell you, it cannot.  No amount of positive thinking can ever do battle and stand victorious against the thoughts, fears and doubts Satan sends your way.  Why do you think this would be so?  Simply, thinking positively requires only that you consider your own mental and emotional state as a way to effect the right spiritual state.

See, we are a whole being - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual - but that wholeness only applies to the extent to which we are in a right relationship with God as our Father and Christ our Lord,  Remember the God-shaped hole in us that is there from our birth?  When Christ lives and reigns in our lives, that hole is filled up (to the extent we allow - I pray we are filled to overflowing) and it is then God's work in our lives that sustains and strengthens us - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually - so that we can say For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

Do I still have those moments of fear, questioning doubt, frustration over the process, and anger at the circumstances?  Yes - not often - but they are always near.  But faith in God, remembering His promises to always be with me, with us, is the only sure defense against these attacks.  If I relied on thinking positive thoughts, but then dr visit after dr visit that left me with still more uncertainty would lead me back into those questioning doubts, fears and frustrations that would most assuredly be reconciled as being forsaken by God, left to do this on my own.  And at that moment, the doubts, the fears, the frustration and the anger grow exponentially, because my focus has been moved from God who is the source of all strength and comfort, to my and my weak abilities to do anything at all for my own good. 

You see, this little episode, while big in its impact on me, my schedule, my life and my plans, is not at all about me.  I am only a supporting player to my God and Savior who by the Holy Spirit is working this for His glory and my good (Romans 8:28, paraphrased). 

One other prayer request to add to that which you already pray for us:  I have long been burden for a couple of my co-corkers, one especially, that I want the opportunity to share the gospel with.  I'd like to encourage her to read this blog.  I don't know if she would, but if you would add specifically that I have the opportunity to share this and even the gospel that she has never heard with her, please do.

I make no apologies for getting so serious above.  It is what was on my heart today, and I have vowed to be true to what God leads me to say.  I'll get back to including little snippets of my story later.  Until then . . .

God bless all of you as you have been blessing us through all your prayers, thoughts, cards and in the many other ways you have cared and loved for us.

Day 15 - "Bob" is Back In Town

1976 was a pivotal year.  It was the year that I broke out of listening to mostly Top 40 (soft pop and easy listening) and Oldies radio ('50's and early '60's).  I suddenly found way more interesting music - Kansas just released Leftoverture and "Carry On Wayward Son," Thin Lizzy released Jailbreak and "The Boys Are Back In Town."  For a few years I had enjoyed listening to early Grand Funk Railroad (On Time), Chicago (remember Chicago Transit Authority?and Chicago II), Santana ("Evil Woman"), Kool & The Gang ("Jungle Boogie"), Blood, Sweat and Tears ("Spinning Wheel", "You've Made Me So Very Happy") when we would visit my Aunt Christine and Uncle Sam.  After a few minutes I would go to my cousin Tony's room (away in the National Guard) and play his records.  (Now before you think I'm off my nut, I had an uncle (Edward by name, but he was affectionately known as "Runt" - another story) who would infuse me with gospel records - The Rambos, The Le Feveres, The Blue Ridge Quartet, and even a young upstart group called the Oak Ridge Quartet, just to name a few.  We would also go (on occasion) to an all night gospel sing at the Greenville (SC) Memorial Auditorium.  And just to make sure I cover all the influences, my mom accompanied our church choir (which I joined once I was of age) and played both piano and organ.  It is through her that I gained a love of classical music and many of the forerunners of what would later become Contemporary Christian Music.  My apologies for such a long lead in, but if you've stayed with it so far, I will try very hard not to disappoint.

There is a group that takes popular music and rewrites the lyrics to tell Biblical truths.  Apologetix (http://www.apologetix.com/) parodies classic rock, country alternative, disco, and rap to tell stories from Bible.  A couple of examples:  The Beatles "Twist and Shout" becomes "Twins Came Out" about Jacob and Esau; Metallica's "Enter Sandman" becomes "Enter Samson" about the final hours of Samson; The Eagles "Hotel California" is "Hotel Can't Afford Ya" about the events leading to the birth of Jesus; and Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back In Town" becomes "The Boys Aren't Backing Down" describing the preaching that the Apostles did in Acts.  You remember, they preached boldly in spite of the threats against their lives.

This continues to be my focus and my prayer.  That I use every breath to lift God up, to give witness to Him love - manifested in this changed life - and His mercy and grace.  I just had a person tell me that their prayer, each day, has been that (the people they are praying for) which includes me, would have one good day.  I have had many good days.  And now here I am at Day Fifteen, the start of treatment cycle two, week number three.  We're enjoining the watch for fever, nausea and the onset of diarrhea.  Today my blood counts were all down except the platelets which were a little high, but nothing to be concerned about , because they are all within a normal range.  We meet with the radiation doctor tomorrow to learn what we can about that.  and this too is another evidence of God orchestrating all of this.

Remember, Paul writes the Romans (and us) that Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith  into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us (5:1-5).  Paul continues For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation (5:6-11).

So, "Bob is Back In Town" may not even be close to a great song title, but it is an encouragement.  An encouragement that "This Boy Isn't Backing Down" because He has given me new life, even in this circumstance that sometimes brings fear, frustration, doubt, and some pretty hard self-discussions.  He loved me, gave Himself for me, that I would have eternal life as His own.  reminds me of another Apologetix song:  "We're More Than Champions (Queen's "We Are The Champions") taken from Romans 8:37.

Thank you to all of you who pray and shower us with your love.

Zimmer Chicken Celebre c'est bon!

Remembering

First, I did not forget yesterday . . . And I realize that I could have used the space to tell that God blessed me once again with a good day free from any ill effects. God continues to pour mercy and grace over us and I have had many opportunities to give evidence of God and His work in my life. And that story has it's beginning over forty years ago.

I can't explain it, I just know that God made me new. Over the intervening years, I saw His plan for me unfold, one paragraph, one page, on chapter at a time. Even when I let my idols take hold of me, turn my head, and sometimes my heart, God continued to work in my life, exposing my sin, prompting my repentence - leaving my sin at Jesus' feet - and pouring out His grace and mercy on me. I have had friends, and the best friend I could have, used by God to work His will in me.

So I remember - me. But God overshadows the me I see, and shows me Christ, the love that nailed Him to the cross for me and the power that raised Him from the dead.

God instructed the Israelists to remember, to tell the story of His redeeming love. That story and His instruction is for us also. Tell what God has done for you wherever and whenever you can.

Tomorrow we get "Bob" back, and we meet with Dr Altemus on Thursday to discuss the plan to begin radiation on the L1 vertebra.

Thanks be to God our Father who has blessed us with all good blessings beyond our imagining.

Change

Is there anyone - anyone, really, that likes change?  I mean the deep down, 180-degree type change?

Isn't change what it is all about?  The workplace seems to thrive on change, often paying huge amounts so that employees can go off somewhere away from the office to talk about how to change for the future, as if it is already a foregone conclusion that change is necessary or desired for business.

Regardless of whether anyone likes change or not, change is a part of life.  Some change is for the better; some change is destructive.  And guess what, God is in the midst of all the changes - that we experience.  That is interesting because God never changes.  But here's how He is involved in our changes:  We had to change to be able to have a relationship with Him - "I will remove the heart of stone from their flesh and give them a heart of flesh (Ezekiel 11:19, 36:26); we had to be cleansed of sin - "I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you shall be clean from all your uncleannesses, and from all your idols I will cleanse you." (Ezekiel 36:25); and we had to be given a righteousness not our own - "Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith—" (Philippians 3:8-9).

God accomplished this, and much more through the finished work of Christ His Son:  "For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:21).

There are somethings I don't ever want to change, but for now I am getting used to alot of change.  So far, we have been blessed with great days since treatment began, even with teh few days of fever.  We are two days away from beginning treatment number two, and we should find out more about the prospects of beginning radiation on the L1 vertebra tomorrow.

In the midst of all life - the changes, ebb and flow, ups and downs - God is constant, and working his plan of redemption, reconciliation and restoration.  Yes, restoration - the new Heaven and new Earth.  Let's keep praying, "Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." (Matthew 6:10).

God bless you all.

Ten

Ten is a pretty good number.  Many quarterbacks (and my favorite as a five or six year old) wear number ten.  There are ten days in most pay periods.  It is just a nice round number.

Now, it represents the day that could have seen the commencing of a long fight with a side effect (emphasis on the could have).  No side effects, and counting on (ddays keep moving).  Also, no fever since Tuesday (if you count that little episode).

So last night I sorta took a breather, got ready for today, which was spent trying to do stuff around the house, and I just returned home from a little shopping with Cynth and Rach.  I did take Cynth up on her suggestion earlier in the week that I could take back up a little hobby I enjoyed many, many years ago.  For now, I'll just say that it doesn't work as well with bifocals.  I am still not used to them.

I am looking forward, as always, to celebrating Chrsit the Lord tomorrow.  And I believe we have so much to praise Him for this week, as we have been every day that comes.  His grace is ever new, and though I have felt fatique and weakness, He enabled me to complete a full week of work and still have some strength left for the evening.

Thanking God for all His blessings yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Magic Tricks

Hello, and good Thursday to all!

Not only is this the day after "Hump" Day, and six days away from my next treatment, but it also was the day of my first follow-up with Dr Felice, our oncologist, since we began treatment.

After taking my vitals (all good - even the temperature and weight), the doc came in and we discussed the first round.  He listened as we described the fevers of Sunday and Monday, the antibiotic INOVA Fair Oaks (not Fairfax, I've been corrected) gave me, the fatigue through the day Monday and Tuesday, and the possible near-miss with diarrea yesterday.

"It's kind of like having a baby."  He said.  By which he meant not a physical comparison between my circumstance and a woman giving birth, but rather that this is all new, uncharted territory for us, just as it was when we brought our firstborn home from the hospital.  We spent a lot of time looking at each other with the old University of South Carolina "salute" (a shrug of the shoulders, a puzzled look, and a "huh?"), but over time we learned what we should do in response to this new one who made so many demands on us.  And just so I give Aaron and Rachael equal due, each one of our children are unique in the way God them, and we had the same response at first:  "What were we thinking?"  (That's a joke.)

He explained that the likely scenario is "tumor fever," brought on when the cells die and release protein into the blood stream causing fever.  So I am stopping the antibiotic and we'll see if the fever returns.  If tumor fever it is, then it should lessen over the treatment schedule.  He ordered a  blood sample to check the red blood cell/white blood cell/platelet count.  All showed a slight decrease (expected), but still well within the normal range, which is to say that after the first round my numbers are good.

Next we talked about the last MRI, the one to focus on the spot highlighted on my back on the PET scan.  He brought in model of the vertebra, and indicated that the tiny spot is on a process (I think the right or costal) which is the wing-like structure on the posterior side of the vertebra.  He did not indicate that it was pushing into the nerve, as we had thought.  And he has given us a referal to a radiation oncologist that we will call to set up a consultation appointment with.  Remember we thought that this particular Chemo therapy could not be done with radition.  Well, it can, but modified.  Dr Felice believes a focused attack on this one cell (the only one on the bone) to kill this disease there (theoretically) for good is the best approach given this disease.

Then, after the visit was over, Dr Felice asked us if he'd ever showed us a trick before.  We said, "No," and he pulled from his lab coat a card holder with eight cards:  four King of hearts, four King of clubs.  For the next five to ten minutes he performed several variations of hearts changing to clubs or clubs changing to hearts.  He didn't tell us how he did it, of course, but he acknowledged the sleight of hand.  While we enjoyed the diversion and I was left wanting to learn how, there is something I can take away from this that is so much more than the trick.

We see God's work all round us in ways we don't even "see."  Just this week, I've experienced at least three examples that I can readily name.  How do we recognize God's hand?  Know God and what he is about:    All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us m the message of reconciliation.  (2 Corinthians 5:18-19)  This is God's continuing work, through us here, even as we pray Your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. (Matthew 6:10)  Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. (2 Corinthians 5:20-21)

Do we see and not believe?

Victory - Another Day Done

It occurs that I have left out a few details about the physical state of things over the last few days.  You will remember that Sunday night was spent at the ER with a fever, just to make sure there was not any infection.

Monday, at work, I thought I began to feel feverish (about 1PM), so I took a single Tylenol, made it to the end of the work day, and arrived home with no fever.  The rest of the night was uneventful, except for a mild case of night sweats.

Yesterday and today, also, I have had no sign of fever.  And where I had been fatigued upon arriving at work that just sort of hung around like a cloud the last couple of days, I did not experience fatigue today to the same degree.

The one "scare" today, and I'll be delicate here, came about 9AM.  A phone call to Cynth left us talking like the Keystone Cops, ultimately deciding that the prudent thing to do was to begin the Imodium regimen.  Either it was the right choice or there was never any threat, and the RN at the oncology group said I could discontinue the Imodium.

All these details . . . all the things to remember.  And, to add to the agnst, we haven't set up any appointment since the first oncology appointment - they do everything for us.  Nice?  Yes, but irritating.  Because I have to be dependent upon someone else.  Even going in the car, I've become extra-dependent on Cynth.  She drives me most places, and I couldn't begin to describe all the extra things she has picked up since this came on.

And yet, I am given to be dependent . . . upon Him alone who works all things for my good (paraphrase of Rom 8:28).  God (and His Son) is good all the time, and gives Himself for us.  So, when I question God "Why?" or give over my frustration to anger because this isn't "right," and especially when the uncertainty of the way ahead brings clouds of fear, regardless of my assurances, I remember that I am still and forever in His hand.  For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:38,39

That means "I win."  Whatever may befall me, whether this illness or some other evidence of this broken world, because I am in Christ, I win.  Paul says it another way in his letter to the Philippians (1:21), For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  I win because Christ is alive, in me (by His Spirit), and if I die, I am with Him for eternity.

Stand with us in this victory over this world.

Mid-Summer Classic

I almost forgot!  Truth be told, I haven't been a big fan of this game ever since inter-league play ruined the season and this game somehow is supposed to have some special significance.  For more honesty, I don't think the adoring public ought to be given a chance to vote on the All-Star representatives.  Why can't it be based on their on-field performance (all those silly little stats the teams pay someone to keep track of)?  How 'bout having a category for character?  OK, I'll get off my soapbox about this.  We're probably going to turn it on for a little while anyway.

We do love our sports.  Major League Baseball and college football are so close I cannot determine a favorite - I guess it depends upon the season, huh?  And apart from the game-by-game performance (when strictly natural, not drug-enhanced), their (almost) all the same to me:  a bunch of narcissistic whiners.  (Disclaimer - The previous statement is a gross generalization, and not intended to apply to each individual athlete (loosely defined), but rather as a broad brush characterization.)  Case in point - last week's episode with Lebron James.

The fact of the matter is simply this:  THE ONLY SIGNIFICANCE I WILL EVER HAVE IS FOUND IN CHRIST ALONE.  Our nature is built upon the notion that God created man equal and endowed him with certain unalienable rights.  God's word tells us that God created man in His image.  We are made to reflect God.  In His glory.  In His perfectness.  In His love.  In His mercy.  In His justice.  Period.  But when Man fell to temptation, that image became marred, and we became "enemies" of Him who made us.  A God-sized hole was left in Man when they were driven from the garden.  Thus began the curse of the fall:  regardless of man, woman, or child - we all seek that which will give us that significance we crave, while denying that God alone can satisfy.  Even in the church, we fall prey to the "busyness" of what we do for the church.  I am not saying we shouldn't work for the kingdom - but remember Israel's piety (read Isaiah 1 but focus on verses 11-15, and Micah 6:6-8)
Sunday, as I vented on the way to the emergency room (more like ranted), I had to ask myself the question about this need for significance.  See, about five months ago, I would have said I've had a great life, secure in the family, friends and to a lesser extent, work successes, all wile acknowledging that each one of these and so many others do not constitute who I am, but rather are the blessings of an all-wise God who has so ordered my life, that even following my own path He would not leave me alone.  Sunday, I received another opportunity to affirm that God alone is my strength and shield, and my salvation.  The really good news is that the marred image and the struggle to find meaning, significance, worth, and reconciliation does not have to be the end.  God, ccompletely according to His own purpose, loved us and sent His Son to live the life we could never live to reconcile us to the Father, so that those who believe are adopted sons and daughters, joint heirs with Christ, and now able to reflect Him and His kingdom to a world in desperate need.

A favorite Christmas tradition we began about 14 or so years ago involves Advent readings compiled from several authors and published by Ligonier Ministries.  One of the first Sunday readings contrasts many who have had an impact on our world in many realms with the One who alone is significant.

God is merciful.  My soul will magnify the Lord.

God bless.

Duplex Cremes

I did have a pretty good night last night. Night sweats again. Spent the day at work, then began to feel chilled. I thought it was due to a lowering outside temp and approaching front, but by the time I got home, my fever had returned. A couple of Tylenol, and a little time brought it right down. But still the struggle continues.

You might pray for additional strength as we continue to try to provide good parenting. We have some significant issues that continue to be a problem. We recognize that it won't be us, but God that will move. We just don't want the potential consequences for someone we love.

So like a Duplex Creme, God is at work providing to meet every need - whether my cancer and all the possibilities for good or bad there, and also with these other issues. I know that God is sufficient and will sustain us through all He means to use in our life.

Rest - Real Rest

Today am I reminded that I have to be willing to take to God my frustration and anger.  As I was told, He is willing to have me thrash about against the brokeness I am walking through until I give over to Him and accept His rest.

Today after church and a nap, I awoke with a fever of 102.5.  We waited a little while, then checked it again, this time at 102.3.  A call to our oncologist's service put us in touch with Dr. Wilkinson, who directed we go n to the ER.  I was having no other symptoms (headache, chills, pain, tenderness, swelling joints, nausea, vomiting), and so after taking many blood samples and a few others, and a chest x-ray (standard to check the lungs), the initial report came back that everything checked out good.  They will send out for a blood culture just to make sure, and they did take a sample from the mediport to make sure there is no infection there.  We'll follow up with Dr Felice tomorrow to cover this episode, but we a re praying that I'll have no more fever and that I'll have a good night's rest.

Our prayer chain kicked into overdrive tonight, and the folks at INOVA Fairfax are awesome.

A couple of additional things.  First, we have fantastic kids.  Of course Caleb is in Newport News, but Aaron and Rachael pretty much had to fend for themselves, since we took off as soon as Dr Wilkinson told us to go to the ER.  We still worry about how they are responding to God in all this, but so far we are very proud.  Secondly, one other thing I'd like your prayer for.  I do get frustrated about this - this is not supposed to be happening, and I know that God is and will use it for His glory and His purpose in His timing, in whatever way He chooses to do so.  But I still need to be real about this.  I truly believe all that I just said, but God wants me to bare my soul about how this hurts, about how this stinks, about why I don't want to do this.  Pray that I will let myself have that freedom to be real.

Thanks again to our prayer warriors.  We feel His presence and your love when you surround us.

One Day Before Corporate Worship

I had hoped for alot more rain than we received, but I am not complaining.  What rain fell came slowly and soaked in very good from what I can see, so maybe the yard will get a bit of a reprieve.  I do miss the thunder storms, though.

Friday night and I am visited again by night sweats, apparently a symptom of the liver lesions.  Otherwise, physically still feeling well - no sign of any side effects, though we're still watching.  Took the day to do a little shopping with Cynth, and some for myself.  Rach and Cynth began watching this show about cons who con for good, Leverage, on TNT some time back and now it has become a favorite of ours.  The last episode used Rimsky-Korsakov's Scherezade as the catalyst for the climax.  So I went in search to find a copy on CD, because it is such a grand piece of program music.

And even though we had been out for a little while, then cam ehome to get dinner, I am still feeling good.  God has indeed been my strength.  I can remember (it was not so long ago), that I would have felt completely drained of all ability to go several hours before now.  We know you are all praying.  Thank you.

God is good - all the time.  And God's people are faithful.  The outpouring of love in all the myriad ways is a pretty good reproduction of the early church.  Church - a community of believers that gather to worship the One True God, and bears one another's burdens for the glory of God and the good of all.  We are continuing to praise God for all His many blessings, poured out on us through you who are His hands and feet.

Oh, by the way, last night we enjoyed a most "Aussie"m BBQ.  Thanks, Craffords.

God bless you and keep you.

Day Three - In the Books

So far, so good.  No sign of side effects, although there is still the chance for something to commence next weekend and peak just in time for my next round of treatment.

I took "Bob" back to the oncologist today and left him for the next week and a half.  I actually kinda miss him, and I wonder if I'll also miss the subtle whir and whoosh (not to be confused with warp and woof - thanks to Lee Vaughn), especially at night.  A better night's sleep last night, and a not too shabby day punching the time clock.

We have a follow up after first round of treatment appointment with Dr. Felice next Thursday, and I am sure we'll talk more about the PET scan and the last MRI.  Again, there is little of concern about the latest news - scary to be sure in finding a mass pushing through the L1 and into the epidural space, and just as with the original diagnosis, the mind is always good at crafting the question, "What was that?  Is that related?"

More opportunities for fear, I fear.  Thanks to Butch for sharing with me Psalm 46:1 (I'd like to add the rest of the chapter) and Hebrews 13:5 (last half).  Preaching these truths to myself throughout the day, and letting the Spirit take hold to share here has given me strength beyond imagining just a few weeks ago.  God is my fortress, and my ever present help.  Cynth and I both know we are not capable of facing this alone.  And yet we're not.  We have a multitude who are bearing us up just as the invalid's friends exhibited in Mark 2.

I realize I am talking a great deal about how we have been blessed, but to us, it is more than the actions of friends and church family.  We know it to be the power of God, for we feel it in the abiding peace, strength for the moment, and calm assurance that God is imminently present.

In my discussion the other day of freedom from fear I failed to properly link up the uncertainty that people face while yet striking out boldly.  Cynth and I do not have any answers about what comes next, except for more doctor's appointments and the treatment schedule.  But I do not fear this uncertainty, because God does know, and what he is permitting for this time I will seek every opportunity to share His truth.

This is a terrible journey for anyone, but the thought struck me today that I, at 48, have cancer.  This is the product of this broken world.  But God in His mercy provided a plan in Genesis 3:15 to reconcile His creation to himself, and yet this is still part of that.

Cynth reminded me that God's timing is perfect.  And there is no better evidence of this than Romans 5:8, but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  And Christ now sits at God's right hand interceding for all who call on Him.

Now for the (somewhat) cryptic message - Winnie provided sumptuous fare.

To God be all the glory, honor and praise.

Treatment - Day Two

Seventeen more days to go (albeit stretched over twelve weeks).

After a somewhat fitful night, I got up, wrestled with "Bob" while I tried to shower, then figure out how to route the line out my right arm sleeve, finally getting dressed and off to work.  A good day, very productive - even for a slow guy.

Toward the end of the day, I had the chance to talk to our oncologists physician assistant.  She had received the MRI scan results of the lumbar.  The scan shows a 1cm mass through the L1 vertebrae and pushing into the epidural space and thus encroaching on the nerves.

The PA asked if I experienced back pain, pain radiating down the legs or loss of control of bowels or bladder.  I explained that the only back trouble I can describe is what is a dull ache, usually after sleeping in all kinds of twisted positions, or working outside.  That ache usually is relieved after I've eaten something or taken a few Motrin.  If the oncologist had never asked if I've experienced any back pain, I never would've related the back ache I've experienced to anything other than what I've said above.

Before going on vacation, Dr. Felice (oncologist) said that the MRI would not likely change the course of treatment.  The reason for asking the questions about back pain, etc., is that if I was experiencing any of those symptoms, then they might elect to start radiation for the relief of those symptoms, but to do so, they would have to stop the chemotherapy.

Dr. Felice will be back next week and we'll have a follow-up with him then, and I know this will be a point of discussion.  But for now we are not concerned about this new development, rather counting of the course God has laid before us in the chemotherapy, since it is expected to shrink, inhibit, and even starve the cancer wherever it is, even in the L1 vertebrae.

So far no side effects - passed the first twenty-four hours with no early onset of diarrhea - just a continued dry mouth, and a little bit of odd tastes.  Otherwise, as I said at the start of this post, a good day.  And very productive.

Roughly twelve hours from now, and my first round of treatment will be over (that is the administering of the therapy).  All that will be left is the waiting - waiting to see if there has been any impact (longer wait) and waiting to see if any side effects crop up late next week (shorter wait, relatively speaking).

We continue to solicit your prayers - we know they are bearing fruit.  Please pray specifically that any side effects will be minimal, that the therapy will be having the desired effect from this point forward.  Foremost, my prayer, and I ask that you join me in this, that I will have opportunity after opportunity to write this portion of my story reflecting the God who is allowing me to write this portion of His story of redemption and restoration.

God bless you and thank you.

Treatment Day One

After an okay night's sleep for Cynth and I, I went to work for a few hours before going off to treament.  The four-hour appointment went smoothly, the only issue was the original dressing used over the "drop" where it connected to the port.  After a while it felt a little uncomfortable, and as they connected the pump, the nurse replaced it with a much more comfortable dressing.

So now I have "Bob" (so named by Rach for the Bob of the movie "What About Bob?" - my apologies to my step-father) as my companion for the next three consecutive days and for the next twelve weeks every other week.  I am already quite used to it and the subtle whirring sound it makes as it delivers the medicine.

We still covet your prayers for mild (if any) side effects.  The one most disconcerting is anticipated to onset at 10 days from today (17 July) and peak on the beginning day of my next treatment (21 July) - Yippee!  I did have some wierd sorts of feelings today as I was in the chair for the big push - my eyes felt as though they were twitching, and later my tongue felt like it was three feet thick.  I felt like I had trouble pronouncing some words, but everyone I've talked to said I sounded fine.

We continue to be blessed with an overwhelming evidence of God's presence through his people who contact us in all the myriad ways.  Our church family, our home fellowship groups (both of them) and our choir serve to remind us of God's faithfulness and his promise to never leave us nor forsake us.  These with all of our family and friends lift us up and faithfully convey God's strength to us daily.  We are immensly grateful.

And now for something cryptic - John makes great bread.

You guys rock!  (Thanks, Kyle)

Catching Up

As I look back on Sunday's Freedom post, I realize I left out some important things.  Although I sort of set the table, I didn't serve the dish, so to speak.

Fear is all round us.  And the biggest fear is the fear of the unknown - what will happen?

Our founders knew that there was one very real consequence for their action - yet they knew and followed what was right.  Jesus' disciples thought they had it figured out - until the betrayal, and the scattered, also gripped in the fear of what they were seeing.

Being freed by Christ Jesus, though fear should stalk me, I am freed to trust in Him.  Reminds me of the stanza of "It is Well With My Soul:"  Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Fear is all round us, but my soul will magnify the Lord.  I echo the Psalmist in chapter 27:  The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear?

All that my God does is right and good.  He is faithful, and He is always with me.

I had mentioned that my little pain in the side was back yesterday.  It left me sometime during the night, but was replaced by an annoying pain in my right shoulder, again mostly when I took a deep breath.  By the time I arrived at the MRI center this afternoon, changed and laid down on the table for the scan, the pain had subsided. Now I am unwinding before the big show tomorrow - maybe a few episodes of M*A*S*H.  But before I go . . . A few days ago I mentioned how each day was special in its own way.  I've thought of this for the last two days because it has been awfully (that's a lot to a southerner) hot during the day, and as the sun is approaching the horizon, the western sky has this haze that makes the sun stand out in bold, red color.  Simply beautiful, and a breath of peace that God is here with me, and with you.

Thank you for your prayers as I head into tomorrow.  They will be strength to me as Cynth and I face this beginning.

One Day More

Today was a good day off.  Cynth and I used the time to get the "Cancer Journey" folder given to us by our oncology group together and up-to-date.  This also gave us an opportunity to review the therapy.  My irritating pain in the side is back after a few weeks of being absent.  It served to remind me after this weekend and all the festivities that Wednesday will be here soon.

We're still praying that I won't experience any side effects, but if I do that they will be minimal.  Regardless, we are ready.

Thank you, again, for all your prayers, love and concern.  We do feel God's faithful presence throughout each day.

Freedom

Happy Fourth of July!

We do have much to be grateful for as we pause today (and tomorrow for government workers) to reflect on the bold step our founders took 234 years ago.  We know the rest of the story - how a rag-tag army of ill-trained soldiers fought for five years to win an independent nation.  What they could not know, was how would this new nation function.  At first, the newly formed states governed as each saw fit under the loose Articles of Confederation.  Circumstances arising from the nearly autonomous governing of the States led to the Constitution twelve years after the British surrender at Yorktown.  The Constitution recognized a free people, established so by "the Creator" from whom all rights are received.  The Federal government, as enumerated in the Constitution, is only the protector of those rights, being charged to "form a more perfect union, establish justice, insure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity."

In the early Twentieth Century, President Franklin Roosevelt discussed and Norman Rockwell painted scenes describing four essential freedoms:  Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Want, Freedom of Worship, Freedom from Fear.

Remember our freedom comes not from man, from government, but from God, the Creator and Sustainer of all things.  He is the Author of our Freedom from Fear, a freedom Cynth and I have struggled at times leading up to this week.  I know it very well may get worse before it is better.  But I know God, who delights in me, and calls me His Beloved, has adopted me so I am a joint heir.  And so I can say with Paul in Galatians 2:20, "I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live but Christ lives in me, and the life I live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself for me."

I will not fear.

Friday

There are a couple of ways to consider Friday.  Most of the time, it is looking forward to a "weekend" and leisure activities.  Or it could be seen as another "week in the books" and the passing of time.

For me, Friday is just one of seven just like it.  Sure, I know that there are some special things about Friday, but for many years I've grown accustomed to thinking of each day as another day given to me that I did not deserve.  So that makes each day special, a gift, and an opportunity.  I don't seem to have trouble with the specialness and understanding that God has given me this day, but I miss more opportunities than I would want to admit.

I have been humbled - We have been humbled by all the prayers that we see evidence of in each day.  It is just a little over two weeks ago that I was diagnosed, and yet we give great thanks and praise to God for all that we see of him all round us.

At the moment, the one request we have is that you will pray with us that I will not experience any side effects.  Cynth and I have decided to be so bold.  Join us, please?

My apologies for the randomness of this post.  I promise to do better next time.  I am feeling a bit tired after enjoying an evening with a classic movie with members of our home fellowship group and other friends.

Before I close, someone will have to convince me why household projects or the like should be counted in "leisure" time.