Day 16 - And the Change Just Keeps On Coming

I've passed the first twenty-four hours much as I did after the first day of the last treatment - no "excitement" to speak of.  Well, except for that little problem falling asleep last night, I think probably because I was on adrenaline.  After the day getting hooked up, getting reacquainted with "Bob," I came home and broke out my Uncle Runt's (mentioned last night) Fender Bass.  Now, those of you who might want to recruit me, let me just say that I have taught (loosely used) myself to play a very few things ONLY by ear.  And my fingers are not as long and nimble as they should be, thanks to my reluctance to practice piano when I had the chance.  Speaking of piano, I mentioned listening to Chicago first many, many years ago.  One of my favorite songs is actually part of a larger piece on Chicago II  (actually titled Chicago), "Ballet for a Girl in Buchannon".  The song, "Colour My World," for those who may be unfamiliar, is founded upon a series of arpeggios in the right hand on the piano with a simple bass line in the left.  Despite my complete, steadfast reluctance to practice piano, I did manage to eek out "Colour My World" if only to my satisfaction.  Enough of my musical musings for now.

So let's talk changes (and you should know I hate changes).  First, there was the initial read of the PET scan that Dr Felice's PA gave, saying that there was a small mass (1cm) in the L1 vertebra and pushing into the epidural space (her words).  Then Dr Felice described it as a small spot of disease on the costal process.  He did not describe as being in the bone and did not give an indication that it was pushing into the spinal canal or epidural space.  He did recommend meeting with a radiation oncologist to get their recommendation, and afterward the two drs would consult on the best course of action.  Today, we met with Dr Altemus, and after an hour and a half we are back to waiting this out.  I'll try to explain.  There is a small spot of disease, and it is on the right side of the L1 vertebra, and it is slightly bulging against the wall of the spinal canal.  It is also radiating out the costal process, which puts it into contact with the nerves radiating out which control the upper legs, bowel and bladder control, muscle and other motor activities of the lumbar region of the back.

Her first comment after giving a summary of where we have been since early May, is that she was contacted because of back pain.  Back pain is to be distinguished from the low, dull ache I feel in the sacral region after sleeping hard on it, or working outside for an extending period.  This ache, which I have felt for many years usually goes away after I eat, or with a few Motrin, or simply resting.  Somehow the Drs had all gotten the notion that I was having pain in the lumbar, or in my thighs, neither, of course is factual.

So, Dr Altemus gave us options:  The chemo I am now receiving is the compliment of the very best drugs for the particular cancer I have (rectal memetastasized to the liver and also the L1) and will work on the cancer on the L1 the same that it would on the liver and rectal tumor.  Therefore, the first option is to wait until the scans following the chemo to determine the real impact of the chemo on the L1 mass.  The next option is to do the radiation as a preventative measure.  In the cast of the first option, if the L1 mass is gone after completing chemo, then we do nothing.  If it is shrunk, we could do radiation, or try more chemo.  If the chemo had no effect at all (mass still the same) or it has grown or is now causing pain, then radiation becomes the course of treatment.  In fact, if at any time I begin to experience pain as they have described, or any other effects that can be reasonably attributable to the L1 mass, then I call Dr Altemus and treatment begins right away.

The liver masses, as we have come to know, is a primary concern, mainly because of the limited options for treatment and its linkage to other parts of the body through the blood supply.  The L1 mass is next because of the risk of damage to the L1 (compression fracture from weakened bone) and the danger of encroaching on the spinal column (pressed against bone not allowing its movement leading to loss of motor skills in the thighs) and the affect of damaging the nerves radiating out from the L1 that could also affect motor responses.

I have written here and spoken to many that we see God at work in all these things.  First, just in the manner in which it (the cancer in general) was discovered.  No symptoms of any kind leading one to colorectal cancer as a possibility until the revealing hemoccult test performed at my family physician's office in early June.  What followed in quick progression is doctor after doctor spending copious amounts of time to explain every possibility, every estimate based on the facts of the tests and scans, one great doctor leading to another great doctor.  Dr Altemus already had a file nearly 2 inches thick on me before she even sat down with us.  And she had reviewed the scans that we took to her, but before that she had gotten a look at the scans most concerning her before and manipulated the scans to get the best picture for what she wanted to see.

So while this visit did not move us further down the field in terms of specific treatment at this time, we continue to move toward the goal.  And now we have another great member of our care team, one who wants to be kept informed and receive copies of future scans and tests.

Therefore, I know - WE know - God is working through all these circumstances.  Nothing is without His knowledge.  It is this knowledge, that is getting us through the moments of thoughts like,"I can see why people facing this would say, 'Why bother?  There is no guarantee.  I cannot even get a read on the percentages - that there is a 50-50 chance, or 30-70,  or 60-40.  And to go through all of this for that kind of uncertainty - for what?'  (Voiced by me today as we left the doctor's office.)

How can positive thoughts stand against this kind of onslaught?  I'll tell you, it cannot.  No amount of positive thinking can ever do battle and stand victorious against the thoughts, fears and doubts Satan sends your way.  Why do you think this would be so?  Simply, thinking positively requires only that you consider your own mental and emotional state as a way to effect the right spiritual state.

See, we are a whole being - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual - but that wholeness only applies to the extent to which we are in a right relationship with God as our Father and Christ our Lord,  Remember the God-shaped hole in us that is there from our birth?  When Christ lives and reigns in our lives, that hole is filled up (to the extent we allow - I pray we are filled to overflowing) and it is then God's work in our lives that sustains and strengthens us - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually - so that we can say For God alone my soul waits in silence; from him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

Do I still have those moments of fear, questioning doubt, frustration over the process, and anger at the circumstances?  Yes - not often - but they are always near.  But faith in God, remembering His promises to always be with me, with us, is the only sure defense against these attacks.  If I relied on thinking positive thoughts, but then dr visit after dr visit that left me with still more uncertainty would lead me back into those questioning doubts, fears and frustrations that would most assuredly be reconciled as being forsaken by God, left to do this on my own.  And at that moment, the doubts, the fears, the frustration and the anger grow exponentially, because my focus has been moved from God who is the source of all strength and comfort, to my and my weak abilities to do anything at all for my own good. 

You see, this little episode, while big in its impact on me, my schedule, my life and my plans, is not at all about me.  I am only a supporting player to my God and Savior who by the Holy Spirit is working this for His glory and my good (Romans 8:28, paraphrased). 

One other prayer request to add to that which you already pray for us:  I have long been burden for a couple of my co-corkers, one especially, that I want the opportunity to share the gospel with.  I'd like to encourage her to read this blog.  I don't know if she would, but if you would add specifically that I have the opportunity to share this and even the gospel that she has never heard with her, please do.

I make no apologies for getting so serious above.  It is what was on my heart today, and I have vowed to be true to what God leads me to say.  I'll get back to including little snippets of my story later.  Until then . . .

God bless all of you as you have been blessing us through all your prayers, thoughts, cards and in the many other ways you have cared and loved for us.