Wednesday. September 29, 2010. 9:11PM (or 2111 for you military types). Treatment #7 underway.
The blood count is again high enough to continue treatment. And we should know on Friday a new CEA score. Just as in golf, a lower number is better, so we are praying to that end. We also took the opportunity to ask many questions - about the fatigue (likely will increase as we go forward, but praying that it won't), about a recent development of headaches on the right side of my head and behind the right eye (initial thought based on questions they had for me is that it is not related to the cancer or the treatments, so we'll keep an eye on it (no pun intended), a rash that appears (this is chemo related), about the odd smells I keep experiencing (began roughly two or three years ago, a long story, but it seems that a burning smell is a possible indicator of a brain tumor, but I have none of the other symptoms that would also be present, so this is not a worry). All in all, I am, in the words of our physicians assistant, Lindsey, doing really well and look good. My weight, instead of decreasing, is increasing - gotta do something about that. But I am eating like it is outta style (possibly a SC colloquialism).
Many of you have noted how it is wonderful that I am able to work, even that my supervisors are prepared to work with me on my schedule if I should need the time off. It is true - I have a great work environment. If I had to characterize it, I had have to lead off with the term "family." We all come from vastly different backgrounds, and range in age from early fifties to mid-twenties. We each have different faith backgrounds. And it is for some of them that I have been praying for opportunity to share Christ. Today I had that opportunity again.
As I talked to someone last night, someone whose husband, Leonard, needs your prayers also, I mentioned that we (Cynth and I) have discussed much about this journey we are on. I told her that my fear is of leaving Cynth here for what could be a long time by herself. She (the someone) said she has been selfish, praying that she not lose her husband. Cynth, in the first weeks of this walk, told me, "You can't leave me." And you know my fear (above). But we have discovered something - God who made us, who knows what we need before we think it or ask, who has known us before time and knows the numbers of the hair on our head - who even now is working in my life, in Cynth's life through this illness, and who knows how this will end will doubtless take care of Cynth, my children and whomever may be left here. In fact, I believe he already has all those details - whatever those plans may be - worked out and in his time perfectly ordained will work them out according to his perfect will. To believe anything else would be to have to trust in those things I know will fail me, and invite much frustration and depression.
As I have said before - Do I have doubt? Fear? Anger? Frustration? And do I sometime rage against this that has been dealt to me? Yes. A co-worker today replied that they don't get to see that manifested in me in response to me telling him that I am not as strong as he perceives. It is true that I don't show those feelings - I feel that I cannot, for I truly believe and trust that this is all part of God's bigger story of redemption, reconciliation and restoration. No doubt that this is not at all what I ever would have thought or dreamed I would be going through, especially at this time. But to try to fight against God on this is simply to put me above everything else that is - God, Cynth, my kids, my family and friends, my church, my country - all that I hold dear. It would be to deny the change that has been wrought in my life, in my heart.
Imperfectly as it may be, I do not hold sway over my heart, for I have given it to God for his throne, and each day that I have is given to him, again, it is imperfect, for him to use through me for his glory, my edification and the building of his kingdom. And though it is hard to say this, I must acknowledge that it is my humble honor and privilege to be so blessed, used by our Great God. My praise is what I was created for - may I have his strength and spirit to praise him when I have no reason, humanly speaking, to do so.
Tonight, a wonderful Watkins Stew to accompany a cool, rainy evening. What an outpouring of God's love we have witnessed these many weeks. God bless you all.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Facing the Giants
As this night draws to a close, and a new day is waiting to dawn, I want to lead off with a specific prayer request. First, I want to ask that you join me in prayer for Tonya as she suffers from chronic fatigue, and her husband Mike as he cares for her. For me and Cynth as we go for treatment seven tomorrow, please pray that 1) the blood count will be sufficiently high tomorrow to permit treatment without any difficulty; 2) the treatment continues to be effective in stopping the cancer and even that it would begin to shrink and eradicate the cancer; and 3) this round will not have the same impact (increased fatigue) as the last treatment. I thank you all, so much, for your encouragement and care, your faithful and fervent prayers. May your strength increase as his Spirit increases in your life.
In elementary school, I played a season or two of football. More correctly, I practiced football. I was not very big, but I loved the game from all the exposure I had with my dad at Clemson, attending Easley High games (and occasional Clemson games) with my uncle, and watching those great highlight films of the NFL way back when. So when my school started another team because interest was so high, and I (by virtue of my last name early in the alphabet) could really be a Tiger, well, let's just say I couldn't imagine anyone who would not want to play for the Forest Acres Elementary Tigers (the other team was the Panthers - the uncool!).
The problem was my size. I know beyond a doubt that I couldn't have weighed more than 70 pounds. Yet I was placed on the offensive line as a guard against a defensive linemen that was much bigger (height and weight) than me, and I was not much of a fighter (meaning I gave up too easily). This same flaw would lead me to give up on other sports I tried, and could have been a factor in so many other endeavours, were it not for maturing (including small steps spiritually) that taught the value of "DO."
In ways that no one who loved me and all their attempts to tell me otherwise, I had to learn to stand myself and face difficulties on my own. A great deal of trial and error, failing eventually led me to acknowledge my helplessness and my utter dependence on God. But it was not just these earthly lessons that God was teaching me. I was receiving a heavenly education about me and a relationship with the One who made me. I struggled with those lessons - still do, but now I have an advantage.
When David went out to meet Goliath, the giant again taunted the Israelite army and God whom they served. He also insulted David. Toe-to-toe against Goliath, seeing his sword and shield, David said this in return for Goliath's taunts: "You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.” (1 Samuel 17:45-47)
And so it is with the giants we face now. The battle is the Lord's, and we stand to face our giants in the name of the Most High, the Lord of Hosts. He has already secured victory for us. Sure, we still struggle in the fight, and at times we may feel the pain of defeat and failure, but Christ has already conquered our foes. We can be confident in his victory, that we too are victorious in him.
Stand before your giant, and say aloud that you come in the name of the Lord of hosts and claim that he has given [the giant] into your hand. So I will do against my giants. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26).
Amen.
In elementary school, I played a season or two of football. More correctly, I practiced football. I was not very big, but I loved the game from all the exposure I had with my dad at Clemson, attending Easley High games (and occasional Clemson games) with my uncle, and watching those great highlight films of the NFL way back when. So when my school started another team because interest was so high, and I (by virtue of my last name early in the alphabet) could really be a Tiger, well, let's just say I couldn't imagine anyone who would not want to play for the Forest Acres Elementary Tigers (the other team was the Panthers - the uncool!).
The problem was my size. I know beyond a doubt that I couldn't have weighed more than 70 pounds. Yet I was placed on the offensive line as a guard against a defensive linemen that was much bigger (height and weight) than me, and I was not much of a fighter (meaning I gave up too easily). This same flaw would lead me to give up on other sports I tried, and could have been a factor in so many other endeavours, were it not for maturing (including small steps spiritually) that taught the value of "DO."
In ways that no one who loved me and all their attempts to tell me otherwise, I had to learn to stand myself and face difficulties on my own. A great deal of trial and error, failing eventually led me to acknowledge my helplessness and my utter dependence on God. But it was not just these earthly lessons that God was teaching me. I was receiving a heavenly education about me and a relationship with the One who made me. I struggled with those lessons - still do, but now I have an advantage.
When David went out to meet Goliath, the giant again taunted the Israelite army and God whom they served. He also insulted David. Toe-to-toe against Goliath, seeing his sword and shield, David said this in return for Goliath's taunts: "You come to me with a sword and with a spear and with a javelin, but I come to you in the name of the Lord of hosts, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied. This day the Lord will deliver you into my hand, and I will strike you down and cut off your head. And I will give the dead bodies of the host of the Philistines this day to the birds of the air and to the wild beasts of the earth, that all the earth may know that there is a God in Israel, and that all this assembly may know that the Lord saves not with sword and spear. For the battle is the Lord's, and he will give you into our hand.” (1 Samuel 17:45-47)
And so it is with the giants we face now. The battle is the Lord's, and we stand to face our giants in the name of the Most High, the Lord of Hosts. He has already secured victory for us. Sure, we still struggle in the fight, and at times we may feel the pain of defeat and failure, but Christ has already conquered our foes. We can be confident in his victory, that we too are victorious in him.
Stand before your giant, and say aloud that you come in the name of the Lord of hosts and claim that he has given [the giant] into your hand. So I will do against my giants. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. (Psalm 73:26).
Amen.
Monday, September 27, 2010
So Render
In just three days, we'll begin treatment number seven. I am curious to see what my blood counts will be, especially since I was more fatigued this past week than I have been in weeks past. There were a few other things going on this week that we'll be asking the doctor about. Still God is good and has continued to bless my days. I continue to be reminded of my weakness, then seeing his strength manifested in me in so many ways. And you all continue to be God's encouragement to me and Cynthia. Thank you. Please remember the others I have asked you to pray for, and add two more: Emmett who has a brain tumor, and a friend of my sister who also is suffering with colorectal cancer. I know prayer works for we have seen evidence.
Today was a good day. Not that preceding days had been bad days, I just feel the need to state that today was a good day, although it really ought to go without saying. The sky was overcast most of the day, with a gentle rain falling early this morning, and showers later in the day. And a great day worshipping: powerful songs and praise offered up to God and a most inspiring message from Jonah 3. Some key words or phrases: image, surrender, speaking truth, love, second chances, grace. As I sat and listened, taking notes, three items came to mind. I will try to explain.
The first thing I thought of was Jesus, when the Pharisees attempted to trap him about the lawfulness of paying taxes to Caesar. Knowing their hearts, Jesus asked to see the coin for paying the tax, and asked them to tell whose image was on the coin. When they answered him "Caesar's," he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.” (Matthew 22:21)
Interesting word, render. In the English Stnadard Version, it is used in at least 28 verses. According to my Dictionary.com app, there are no less than twenty-one possible definitions. Six of the twenty-one are most appropriate for this discussion: 1) to return, to make a payment as by a tenant to a superior; 2) to pay as due (tax or tribute); 3) to represent, depict; 4) to bring out the meaning of by performance or execution; 5) to give back; 6) to give up, surrender.
Jesus gave a lesson in our civic duty by illustrating the rightness of obedience to the civil government and acknowledged a separation between the earthly, temporal authority and the kingdom of heaven that he was announcing. But there is more than that here.
We all are made in God's image, and as God's image bearers, we are charged with showing forth that image to a lost people. We are commanded to go, to bear that image and carry a message of grace - God's love borne in the truth that he is holy and his holiness requires justice. In his love, he satisfied justice by Christ's death on the cross. But still we sin, and others around us sin. We grieve God and break his heart because of our disobedience. Do we feel that grief? Are we broken hearted for our sin?
Jonah was given a second chance to take God's message of judgment and call to repentance. We, too, have a second chance as long as it is today. Bear his image boldly. Repent of sin and turn to him. Speak his good news of grace and peace to people, who need to hear that God shows mercy to those who call on him. Live his gospel - show mercy and grace - surrender to his abundant love that it may overflow your heart and life.
Surrender. So render.
In 1978, the group Cheap Trick from Rockford, IL released "Surrender," a song from their Heaven Tonight album. It concerns a discussion between the teens of that generation and their "weird" parents, culminating in a refrain of "we're all alright" to end the song. In 2009, the Christian parody band Apologetix include "So Render (to Caesar)" from their album Recovery. Their parody concerned the Matthew passage above, but linking the two ideas, surrender and so render seemed so perfect.
We cannot do what we are called by Go to do. Even at our best, we are still fallen creatures, sinning on our way. But we know the One who by his blood can make even the foulest clean. We might acknowledge our sin and thus our need of him. But do we get the depths of our sin? Is it bitter to us? There is, I think the key.
We must surrender to God - everyday. Our old nature must be put to death (another good song, this one by Petra, called "Killing My Old Man" about putting to death your old nature) each day, and sometimes several times a day as we seek to live according to the new creation we are becoming in Christ Jesus. When we surrender, we then, and only then, can render to God according to that which he has called and enabled us to do. We are blessed then to return our lives as a tribute, to represent him more perfectly, to bring out his good news, to give back his praises, and to be able to surrender at all.
So - may you be blessed by God to surrender and then render according to his work in your life that all may wonder at his mercy, peace and love. Amen.
Today was a good day. Not that preceding days had been bad days, I just feel the need to state that today was a good day, although it really ought to go without saying. The sky was overcast most of the day, with a gentle rain falling early this morning, and showers later in the day. And a great day worshipping: powerful songs and praise offered up to God and a most inspiring message from Jonah 3. Some key words or phrases: image, surrender, speaking truth, love, second chances, grace. As I sat and listened, taking notes, three items came to mind. I will try to explain.
The first thing I thought of was Jesus, when the Pharisees attempted to trap him about the lawfulness of paying taxes to Caesar. Knowing their hearts, Jesus asked to see the coin for paying the tax, and asked them to tell whose image was on the coin. When they answered him "Caesar's," he said to them, “Therefore render to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's.” (Matthew 22:21)
Interesting word, render. In the English Stnadard Version, it is used in at least 28 verses. According to my Dictionary.com app, there are no less than twenty-one possible definitions. Six of the twenty-one are most appropriate for this discussion: 1) to return, to make a payment as by a tenant to a superior; 2) to pay as due (tax or tribute); 3) to represent, depict; 4) to bring out the meaning of by performance or execution; 5) to give back; 6) to give up, surrender.
Jesus gave a lesson in our civic duty by illustrating the rightness of obedience to the civil government and acknowledged a separation between the earthly, temporal authority and the kingdom of heaven that he was announcing. But there is more than that here.
We all are made in God's image, and as God's image bearers, we are charged with showing forth that image to a lost people. We are commanded to go, to bear that image and carry a message of grace - God's love borne in the truth that he is holy and his holiness requires justice. In his love, he satisfied justice by Christ's death on the cross. But still we sin, and others around us sin. We grieve God and break his heart because of our disobedience. Do we feel that grief? Are we broken hearted for our sin?
Jonah was given a second chance to take God's message of judgment and call to repentance. We, too, have a second chance as long as it is today. Bear his image boldly. Repent of sin and turn to him. Speak his good news of grace and peace to people, who need to hear that God shows mercy to those who call on him. Live his gospel - show mercy and grace - surrender to his abundant love that it may overflow your heart and life.
Surrender. So render.
In 1978, the group Cheap Trick from Rockford, IL released "Surrender," a song from their Heaven Tonight album. It concerns a discussion between the teens of that generation and their "weird" parents, culminating in a refrain of "we're all alright" to end the song. In 2009, the Christian parody band Apologetix include "So Render (to Caesar)" from their album Recovery. Their parody concerned the Matthew passage above, but linking the two ideas, surrender and so render seemed so perfect.
We cannot do what we are called by Go to do. Even at our best, we are still fallen creatures, sinning on our way. But we know the One who by his blood can make even the foulest clean. We might acknowledge our sin and thus our need of him. But do we get the depths of our sin? Is it bitter to us? There is, I think the key.
We must surrender to God - everyday. Our old nature must be put to death (another good song, this one by Petra, called "Killing My Old Man" about putting to death your old nature) each day, and sometimes several times a day as we seek to live according to the new creation we are becoming in Christ Jesus. When we surrender, we then, and only then, can render to God according to that which he has called and enabled us to do. We are blessed then to return our lives as a tribute, to represent him more perfectly, to bring out his good news, to give back his praises, and to be able to surrender at all.
So - may you be blessed by God to surrender and then render according to his work in your life that all may wonder at his mercy, peace and love. Amen.
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Missing
Good Wednesday, one and all!
In another time and place, Wednesday was an odd day. Though as a young boy, all I really new was play during the Summer and school and homework during the Fall, Winter and Spring. But in the (then) small textile town of Easley, SC, Wednesday was a short day for some in the town. If I remember correctly, banks and some other businesses closed at about one o'clock. Everything else closed by six, and the Baptist churches held "Prayer Meeting.". We children had Royal Ambassadors or Girls in Action. There are many times I long for those days again.
Tonight we missed home fellowship group. And we do miss it. The fellowship of God's family is crucial to encouragement, growth and strength. We've been fortunate to be part of two great groups of folks, just as we have been part of wonderful groups at every duty station over the past twenty-four years. Church, fellowship with God's people, and great teaching gave us great strength. But our foundation and our desire was always God, his truth and discerning his his will for us.
Did I always find myself in his will? Not at all. In fact, it is more often that I realize how badly I've missed the goal completely, especially when I have set out determined to live in his will. Then I discover I am missing joy because of the disappointment of my failure. It is true I find joy in God's grace and forgiveness, not to mention his leading me in his paths. But being still a "natural" man, the disappointment overrides the grace.
Our oldest just returned home from college. He has a big meeting tomorrow with his employer to brief a project his team has completed. Where did he gain the character and attitudes that inform him to do the amazing (employer's words, not just mine) work he produces? Where was I when those traits were being laid? How much did I miss during my Air Force career and those other things with which I absolutely had to busy myself? I love him and he loves me, but I recognize that there are periods of his life that I have missed.
Our second son works during the afternoon into the evening, but tonight he is home. I have enjoyed being able to spend a great deal of time with him over the past few months. But I recognize there is so much missing between us. I love him and he loves me, yet there still remains some distance that quite possibly could be the manner of father/son relationships. Regardless, it serves as a reminder that there is something missing in our relationship.
Our daughter, homeschooled since the fourth grade, enjoys being able to spend a lot of time with Cynth and the ability to continue her dance training (ballet, modern, jazz, and some tap). Once a daddy's girl, she is at the age now where she gravitates more toward her mother. Since she was two and a half, I have been pretty available having completed my flying responsibilities at that time. As a result, she knows me more as just a normal work day dad, with very few trips away from home, and those of short duration. And still, I feel as though there are things I have missed as she grew up to be the young lady she now is.
I could go on and on describing ways that I know things are missing from each relationship I have. It is, I believe, a terrible reality of our existence that we mask our finiteness thinking we can do all things, be everywhere. But in the end, we make a choice or two, prioritize according to our wishes, and away we go. Missing things, time past, people long gone is a part of this broken world.
We are always going to miss something. The thing we should never miss, is the opportunity. The opportunity to share God's gospel. And to do that, we need to address the God-sized hole that is our missing him in his rightful place, the tabernacle of our soul. This life is short; who of you do not believe that? The only thing to alter that fact is Christ's return. And there is not one of us that can add time to our lives by our fretting or scheming. Be encouraged that God has given us all hope, and thus we do not worry, and neither should we miss any of the blessings of his riches he has in store for us and is his great pleasure to lavish upon us.
God bless you as you live each day in his presence.
In another time and place, Wednesday was an odd day. Though as a young boy, all I really new was play during the Summer and school and homework during the Fall, Winter and Spring. But in the (then) small textile town of Easley, SC, Wednesday was a short day for some in the town. If I remember correctly, banks and some other businesses closed at about one o'clock. Everything else closed by six, and the Baptist churches held "Prayer Meeting.". We children had Royal Ambassadors or Girls in Action. There are many times I long for those days again.
Tonight we missed home fellowship group. And we do miss it. The fellowship of God's family is crucial to encouragement, growth and strength. We've been fortunate to be part of two great groups of folks, just as we have been part of wonderful groups at every duty station over the past twenty-four years. Church, fellowship with God's people, and great teaching gave us great strength. But our foundation and our desire was always God, his truth and discerning his his will for us.
Did I always find myself in his will? Not at all. In fact, it is more often that I realize how badly I've missed the goal completely, especially when I have set out determined to live in his will. Then I discover I am missing joy because of the disappointment of my failure. It is true I find joy in God's grace and forgiveness, not to mention his leading me in his paths. But being still a "natural" man, the disappointment overrides the grace.
Our oldest just returned home from college. He has a big meeting tomorrow with his employer to brief a project his team has completed. Where did he gain the character and attitudes that inform him to do the amazing (employer's words, not just mine) work he produces? Where was I when those traits were being laid? How much did I miss during my Air Force career and those other things with which I absolutely had to busy myself? I love him and he loves me, but I recognize that there are periods of his life that I have missed.
Our second son works during the afternoon into the evening, but tonight he is home. I have enjoyed being able to spend a great deal of time with him over the past few months. But I recognize there is so much missing between us. I love him and he loves me, yet there still remains some distance that quite possibly could be the manner of father/son relationships. Regardless, it serves as a reminder that there is something missing in our relationship.
Our daughter, homeschooled since the fourth grade, enjoys being able to spend a lot of time with Cynth and the ability to continue her dance training (ballet, modern, jazz, and some tap). Once a daddy's girl, she is at the age now where she gravitates more toward her mother. Since she was two and a half, I have been pretty available having completed my flying responsibilities at that time. As a result, she knows me more as just a normal work day dad, with very few trips away from home, and those of short duration. And still, I feel as though there are things I have missed as she grew up to be the young lady she now is.
I could go on and on describing ways that I know things are missing from each relationship I have. It is, I believe, a terrible reality of our existence that we mask our finiteness thinking we can do all things, be everywhere. But in the end, we make a choice or two, prioritize according to our wishes, and away we go. Missing things, time past, people long gone is a part of this broken world.
We are always going to miss something. The thing we should never miss, is the opportunity. The opportunity to share God's gospel. And to do that, we need to address the God-sized hole that is our missing him in his rightful place, the tabernacle of our soul. This life is short; who of you do not believe that? The only thing to alter that fact is Christ's return. And there is not one of us that can add time to our lives by our fretting or scheming. Be encouraged that God has given us all hope, and thus we do not worry, and neither should we miss any of the blessings of his riches he has in store for us and is his great pleasure to lavish upon us.
God bless you as you live each day in his presence.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Once In A Great While
First, I apologize for my absence. I firmly believe I have this forum precisely to share, and when I neglect it, not only do I miss it, but I feel as though I am letting God down. I know this is not true, but the thought is there just the same. Something about being accused by the accuser (Zechariah 3:1-5).
Fatigue has mounted against me these last two to three days, and although I have been to work both Monday and Tuesday, I have been absolutely done by the time I got home. Aside from the fatigue, I am having a little problem with my mouth hurting. We knew that the chemo would possibly mess with the lining of the mouth, nose, etc., and I have had some mild discomfort before, but nothing of the sort I am experiencing now. Goodness and mercy do follow me, for I feel blessed even in the difficulties I experience in the moment.
Yesterday I heard some news that had the potential to be distressing. You likely already know this, but apparently Jupiter was to be as close to the Earth last night as it will be for something like another 10,000 years (so I heard). One co-worker said he could even make out some of Jupiter's moons, as it was the brightest object in the sky, even with the moon last night. Imagine that - an opportunity to see something so rare and to have missed it completely. But I am in luck. It seems that it will be visible again tonight. So if able, I plan to go outside an see if I can see it. If you haven't and you have clear skies, I encourage you to do the same. Think of the rocks crying out . . .
Which brings me to tonight's main course. Do you understand how difficult it is to let go? (Notice I didn't mention what you should let go of?) Without going back over old territory, let me begin with the idols that fill my heart - pride, fear (of being wrong, of being found inadequate, of being found out), selfishness, covetousness, power, equality (how about that one?), and many, many others. These idols drive us to forget reason. We deny the truth when right before us, satisfying ourselves that we know best. Someone comes along, or we hear something, something that might even resemble the truth, but yet be ever so far from it.
For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. 1 Timothy 4:3-4) Even now, some are still led away, thinking they have found a better way by adding to the free gift of grace that Christ taught rules and restrictions seemingly for edification. (There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Proverbs 14:12) What does it require for us to finally acknowledge, learn, practice that answer to our condition can't be found in the things we do - the rituals, the routine, the rote prayers, the offering (of time, self, money) when apart from a heart of deep gratitude for that which God has done in loving us.
I do find immense value in all the things of worship - even when the outside perception might be of routine, rote, or ritual. Why? It has everything to do with the heart - where is the heart of the worshipper? Anyone can go through the motions, but only a heart given to God alone, where he is enthroned, can truly experience God in worshipping him in Spirit and truth. And that person knows that the elements of worship, like the sacrifices and festivals of old, are sign posts pointing us to the One whom left his glory above and humbled himself to become a man, so that he - fully man and fully God in one flesh, would become the only acceptable sacrifice for the debt of sin I (and you) owe.
Before I close, I want to add another prayer request. For those who believe they are walking in the light, yet are following blindly the words of men which are leading astray, I ask you to join me in prayer that they would be delivered from the clutches of the half-truths, even lies that seem to them to be right. Ask God to move mightily to show them their folly and give them softened hearts to return to the God and their families that love them.
Seeking something to spice up your worship, make it authentic, make you feel "real," "acceptable?" Look to your heart. Be honest and answer what it tells about you. Answer truthfully, for then you will be confronted by the Holy One, where your only response is in your repentance and his forgiveness that he only gives.
As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man. Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man. The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise. Proverbs 27:19-21.
Fatigue has mounted against me these last two to three days, and although I have been to work both Monday and Tuesday, I have been absolutely done by the time I got home. Aside from the fatigue, I am having a little problem with my mouth hurting. We knew that the chemo would possibly mess with the lining of the mouth, nose, etc., and I have had some mild discomfort before, but nothing of the sort I am experiencing now. Goodness and mercy do follow me, for I feel blessed even in the difficulties I experience in the moment.
Yesterday I heard some news that had the potential to be distressing. You likely already know this, but apparently Jupiter was to be as close to the Earth last night as it will be for something like another 10,000 years (so I heard). One co-worker said he could even make out some of Jupiter's moons, as it was the brightest object in the sky, even with the moon last night. Imagine that - an opportunity to see something so rare and to have missed it completely. But I am in luck. It seems that it will be visible again tonight. So if able, I plan to go outside an see if I can see it. If you haven't and you have clear skies, I encourage you to do the same. Think of the rocks crying out . . .
Which brings me to tonight's main course. Do you understand how difficult it is to let go? (Notice I didn't mention what you should let go of?) Without going back over old territory, let me begin with the idols that fill my heart - pride, fear (of being wrong, of being found inadequate, of being found out), selfishness, covetousness, power, equality (how about that one?), and many, many others. These idols drive us to forget reason. We deny the truth when right before us, satisfying ourselves that we know best. Someone comes along, or we hear something, something that might even resemble the truth, but yet be ever so far from it.
For the time is coming when people will not endure sound teaching, but having itching ears they will accumulate for themselves teachers to suit their own passions, and will turn away from listening to the truth and wander off into myths. 1 Timothy 4:3-4) Even now, some are still led away, thinking they have found a better way by adding to the free gift of grace that Christ taught rules and restrictions seemingly for edification. (There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way to death. Proverbs 14:12) What does it require for us to finally acknowledge, learn, practice that answer to our condition can't be found in the things we do - the rituals, the routine, the rote prayers, the offering (of time, self, money) when apart from a heart of deep gratitude for that which God has done in loving us.
I do find immense value in all the things of worship - even when the outside perception might be of routine, rote, or ritual. Why? It has everything to do with the heart - where is the heart of the worshipper? Anyone can go through the motions, but only a heart given to God alone, where he is enthroned, can truly experience God in worshipping him in Spirit and truth. And that person knows that the elements of worship, like the sacrifices and festivals of old, are sign posts pointing us to the One whom left his glory above and humbled himself to become a man, so that he - fully man and fully God in one flesh, would become the only acceptable sacrifice for the debt of sin I (and you) owe.
Before I close, I want to add another prayer request. For those who believe they are walking in the light, yet are following blindly the words of men which are leading astray, I ask you to join me in prayer that they would be delivered from the clutches of the half-truths, even lies that seem to them to be right. Ask God to move mightily to show them their folly and give them softened hearts to return to the God and their families that love them.
Seeking something to spice up your worship, make it authentic, make you feel "real," "acceptable?" Look to your heart. Be honest and answer what it tells about you. Answer truthfully, for then you will be confronted by the Holy One, where your only response is in your repentance and his forgiveness that he only gives.
As in water face reflects face, so the heart of man reflects the man. Sheol and Abaddon are never satisfied, and never satisfied are the eyes of man. The crucible is for silver, and the furnace is for gold, and a man is tested by his praise. Proverbs 27:19-21.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Needful Things
Saturday nearly done. Another good day, beautiful weather (mid-70s and clear skies). Some pretty good games today, and the one tonight (Clemson at Auburn, in case I need to clarify it). Aaron is working so he is missing it but I am recording it on my DVD-recorder, so I'll get to watch it again. Anticipating another great day worshipping God tomorrow with the "family."
My thoughts once again earlier today turned to just what a disruption my condition has turned out to be. Like it or not, plans I had for this Summer into the Fall, my normal routine, everything about these past four months have been radically changed. Combined with the "new" schedule of treatments and doctor visits have taken the place of what I thought this season would bring. I don't mind saying that there are moments that I just have to say how much this really stinks. I mean it really, really stinks.
And even though that is a true statement, for it it is how I really feel, I cannot leave it there, for God is with me now, as he has been all along. I cannot help but remind myself that this is where God has me; this is what he is allowing for me and for my family and friends. All of you walking this with me are part of this, because you are witnesses to God' blessings, in whatever fashion they are manifest. At the moment you get to see how his peace and grace are sustaining me and Cynth. We live expectantly, knowing that God can heal, but also knowing that God's will is perfect and we do not want to be anywhere but in God's perfect will.
I also know that I am blessed to see how God has and continues to work through all these circumstances. I could have, and still might have a worse time of treatment going forward. And there is always the possibility that the treatment could stop being effective. Which would mean altering the treatment, which may or may not be as effective as what we are using now. I did read a news item today from 29 August that the FDA may rule against the use of Avastin, the "smart" drug that inhibits the growth of the tumors by starving them of blood. The article indicated that the ruling might be for it's use against breast cancer, so we'll ask Dr Felice about it and pray and hope that they won't rule against it's use, period.
There are many who are facing similar or worse circumstances. I've mentioned several. I need to ask again for prayers for all those I've mentioned before with a special request for my cousin Joe as he is facing similar trials as me, although with a much more difficult time of it. I need to add the father of a good friend, Rick, who is spending the night with his dad at the hospital. I also need to ask you to lift up another friend's dad. David's dad, like Rick's dad has suffered a stroke and they would covet your prayers.
Last night, we dined on Osborne Porkchop casserole, Waldorf salad and rolls, and completed with carrot cake. Simply irresistible.
Lift all these I've mentioned up to our great God for his mercy, grace, peace, strength and comfort that their faith may increase. To the glory of our great God forever and ever. Amen.
My thoughts once again earlier today turned to just what a disruption my condition has turned out to be. Like it or not, plans I had for this Summer into the Fall, my normal routine, everything about these past four months have been radically changed. Combined with the "new" schedule of treatments and doctor visits have taken the place of what I thought this season would bring. I don't mind saying that there are moments that I just have to say how much this really stinks. I mean it really, really stinks.
And even though that is a true statement, for it it is how I really feel, I cannot leave it there, for God is with me now, as he has been all along. I cannot help but remind myself that this is where God has me; this is what he is allowing for me and for my family and friends. All of you walking this with me are part of this, because you are witnesses to God' blessings, in whatever fashion they are manifest. At the moment you get to see how his peace and grace are sustaining me and Cynth. We live expectantly, knowing that God can heal, but also knowing that God's will is perfect and we do not want to be anywhere but in God's perfect will.
I also know that I am blessed to see how God has and continues to work through all these circumstances. I could have, and still might have a worse time of treatment going forward. And there is always the possibility that the treatment could stop being effective. Which would mean altering the treatment, which may or may not be as effective as what we are using now. I did read a news item today from 29 August that the FDA may rule against the use of Avastin, the "smart" drug that inhibits the growth of the tumors by starving them of blood. The article indicated that the ruling might be for it's use against breast cancer, so we'll ask Dr Felice about it and pray and hope that they won't rule against it's use, period.
There are many who are facing similar or worse circumstances. I've mentioned several. I need to ask again for prayers for all those I've mentioned before with a special request for my cousin Joe as he is facing similar trials as me, although with a much more difficult time of it. I need to add the father of a good friend, Rick, who is spending the night with his dad at the hospital. I also need to ask you to lift up another friend's dad. David's dad, like Rick's dad has suffered a stroke and they would covet your prayers.
Last night, we dined on Osborne Porkchop casserole, Waldorf salad and rolls, and completed with carrot cake. Simply irresistible.
Lift all these I've mentioned up to our great God for his mercy, grace, peace, strength and comfort that their faith may increase. To the glory of our great God forever and ever. Amen.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Hope Once Again, Hope Everlasting
Another Friday night. A good day at work, a good visit at the oncologist to have "Bob" disconnected, and I was able to return to work and save some of my limited leave. I cannot overstate how blessed I am, so blessed beyond any imagining, that I can work. So many are surprised to learn that I have work nearly every day since this journey began, only missing what time I needed for doctor's visits and one day of leave for a scan followed by the wonderful retirement ceremony for a good friend.
Retirement. The turning of a page, the beginning of a new chapter. Some time ago,likely after one of our moves, we attempted to slow down, take our time to get adjusted to a new area before getting active beyond what was absolutely necessary. You might know how that is. Before long all the activities of the kids, along with maintaining a house soon competes with your work outside the home. Soon you find that you don't remember what is normal but you are pretty sure this isn't it.
Further evidence of God's intervention in our daily lives. We're not supposed to be comfortable in our daily existence. For to be comfortable, and I mean really comfortable, is to invite complacency and soon you are traveling down the same road so many have traveled before: puffing out your chest and saying to yourself that you have made your life so comfortable. And that could lead to forsaking God, or at best, believing you to be in his grand favor because of your good fortune, leaving you in danger of deep despair when things turn.
Doesn't it stand to reason that if we are here specifically to worship god and enjoy him forever that all of our existence is to be used in a worshipful state? No, not a church visit every day, but every day, all day long, to be in a spirit of worship, praising God for his manifold blessings. Every aspect of our life is to be given back to God out of worship. When you are able, after many, many attempts to accomplish this, you have a day which is closer to what heaven might be like and now your day is several lumen brighter.
What say you? Do you see your days as lived in worship? In the morning when you wake, do you offer your day to the Most High in obedience and service to him? Each day that you wake is a gift from him, given you out of his love and mercy for you, to be used by you for him. If you do, you'll see your perspective on your day change. Work is work, yes, chores are chores, and we all have so many obligations. How much is to be given back to God in the form of a grateful heart that joyously submits to the Master Craftsman? How much is stuff that we took on, believing that the task so undertaken needed our participation? How much of our longing is really satisfied by the efforts we put out? How much grief, disappointment, pain, or anger do we endure because our actions leave us wanting?
To borrow a phrase adopted by Ligonier Ministries in recent years, we all should live coram deo, before the face of, or in the presence of God. This is in sharp contrast to the secular phrase of carpe diem, loosely translated "seize the day." It is part of the longer Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future" from Horace. according to Wikipedia, the ode continues to instruct "that the future is unknowable, and that instead one should scale back one's hopes to a brief future, and drink one's wine." We should scale back one's hopes to a brief future? What does God say?
The book of Romans abounds with hope. Romans 5:1-5 - Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 8 is too rich with hope to pass up, but I won't post it here for space, but you should read it. The hope Paul speaks of there is of our future glory, and he says it is what we were saved for. Read Romans 8 for your self.
Romans 12 also contains a word about hope - Romans 12:9-13 teaches about the marks of a true believer - Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints andseek to show hospitality. Have I mentioned before that I have a hard time with patience?
Romans 15:4 - For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
See, we are to have hope, not neglect it, for we are saved by grace to hope. Hope that is a guarantee of our future with Christ. So we live coram deo, before God and in his presence, rejoicing in all things for it is of his perfect will and plan, a part of his story of redemption, reconciliation and restoration. I leave you with this last verse, from Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Live coram deo.
Last night, scrumptious Tucker Taco Casserole and a salad of greens and bread satisfied our household.
Retirement. The turning of a page, the beginning of a new chapter. Some time ago,likely after one of our moves, we attempted to slow down, take our time to get adjusted to a new area before getting active beyond what was absolutely necessary. You might know how that is. Before long all the activities of the kids, along with maintaining a house soon competes with your work outside the home. Soon you find that you don't remember what is normal but you are pretty sure this isn't it.
Further evidence of God's intervention in our daily lives. We're not supposed to be comfortable in our daily existence. For to be comfortable, and I mean really comfortable, is to invite complacency and soon you are traveling down the same road so many have traveled before: puffing out your chest and saying to yourself that you have made your life so comfortable. And that could lead to forsaking God, or at best, believing you to be in his grand favor because of your good fortune, leaving you in danger of deep despair when things turn.
Doesn't it stand to reason that if we are here specifically to worship god and enjoy him forever that all of our existence is to be used in a worshipful state? No, not a church visit every day, but every day, all day long, to be in a spirit of worship, praising God for his manifold blessings. Every aspect of our life is to be given back to God out of worship. When you are able, after many, many attempts to accomplish this, you have a day which is closer to what heaven might be like and now your day is several lumen brighter.
What say you? Do you see your days as lived in worship? In the morning when you wake, do you offer your day to the Most High in obedience and service to him? Each day that you wake is a gift from him, given you out of his love and mercy for you, to be used by you for him. If you do, you'll see your perspective on your day change. Work is work, yes, chores are chores, and we all have so many obligations. How much is to be given back to God in the form of a grateful heart that joyously submits to the Master Craftsman? How much is stuff that we took on, believing that the task so undertaken needed our participation? How much of our longing is really satisfied by the efforts we put out? How much grief, disappointment, pain, or anger do we endure because our actions leave us wanting?
To borrow a phrase adopted by Ligonier Ministries in recent years, we all should live coram deo, before the face of, or in the presence of God. This is in sharp contrast to the secular phrase of carpe diem, loosely translated "seize the day." It is part of the longer Carpe diem, quam minimum credula postero – "Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future" from Horace. according to Wikipedia, the ode continues to instruct "that the future is unknowable, and that instead one should scale back one's hopes to a brief future, and drink one's wine." We should scale back one's hopes to a brief future? What does God say?
The book of Romans abounds with hope. Romans 5:1-5 - Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 8 is too rich with hope to pass up, but I won't post it here for space, but you should read it. The hope Paul speaks of there is of our future glory, and he says it is what we were saved for. Read Romans 8 for your self.
Romans 12 also contains a word about hope - Romans 12:9-13 teaches about the marks of a true believer - Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Contribute to the needs of the saints andseek to show hospitality. Have I mentioned before that I have a hard time with patience?
Romans 15:4 - For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.
See, we are to have hope, not neglect it, for we are saved by grace to hope. Hope that is a guarantee of our future with Christ. So we live coram deo, before God and in his presence, rejoicing in all things for it is of his perfect will and plan, a part of his story of redemption, reconciliation and restoration. I leave you with this last verse, from Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.
Live coram deo.
Last night, scrumptious Tucker Taco Casserole and a salad of greens and bread satisfied our household.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
A Cure? Why Not Dare To Be Bold?
"Bob" is in the house. And at work. Wherever I go, he is with me. The little whooshing sound it makes as it pumps 0.4pm every ten minutes is something of a comfort after these three months. I'm a little better about not forgetting "Bob." He has his own place to hang when I sleep, and he rests comfortably on the corner of my desk at work and a hook by the shower keeps him dry and happily pumping away.
Today I hit the fatigue factor kind of early at work. Usually I notice it at about 10:30 just before lunch. Occasionally it will hold off until about 1:00. But today I could tell I was a little more tired than normal at about 8:15. But working through it by staying busy got me to about 2:15 and almost home. Nothing else significant to report.
Again God blesses us with good days filled with witnessing his care for us through the encouragement of people contacting through Facebook (Cynth more than me, email, a few phone calls and the visits on these days we have treatment. I have missed a few of those, and I am truly sorry.
It has occurred to me that most of the popular (as opposed to classical or jazz) music I have mentioned thus far only includes guy groups or guy solo artists, despite us having numerous girl groups or girl solo recordings. At the moment, I don't have a single song in my head from a girl act that I can use here for the train of thought I have going here. I just thought I'd mention it. Come to think of it, I do have a song in my head that I can use.
I think I've already mentioned the comedy album belonging to my parents that I used to listen to. There were two albums they had by Teresa Brewer. Well, two that remember. The first was Heavenly Lover, but my favorite for the title song was "'When Your Lover Has Gone.". The album cover had a photo of Miss Brewer on an evening gown, an image of sophistication, looking through a window, as if expecting her heart's desire to round the corner and up to her door at any minute. I only remember the title track. I love the way it begins slow with a lush string section providing the movement, which gives way to a boss nova style to the end. Okay, so it so it doesn't even come close to my train of thought . . . It just happened to be on my mind just now.
What is on my mind is the discussion we had with Dr Havens yesterday, and a realization that while we've prayed many things, we may not have been praying for a cure, at least not specifically. So, today I heard from two at least that heard about our talk with Dr H, and they told me they are praying specifically for a cure, not simply remission. Thinking back to our first visit to Dr Felice, I am reminded that he told us he does not discount miracles, that we were going to work toward turning this into a chronic illness, but that he encouraged hopeful goals. So maybe we should ask that you join us in praying for a cure. God has heard all these many prayers - why not this one also?
Why not indeed? God is ever present. He is not absent. And he is working, ever working to bring about his perfect will. He can work a miracle here, just as he does for many other such things. The key is for us to see it. Do we really believe that God cares about us? Do we believe that he loves and cares so much for us that he is always at work, molding us, shaping us, guide us toward what he intends us to be. And since he is constantly working on us, he is not ever far away, absent from us. We are the ones who wander. And when we wander, it is not God who is left alone for he is all together all sufficient. It is us who are alone. All alone. To us, it feels as though God is far off. We allow ourselves to believe God who we are told is the lover of our souls, has left us, and so we are left to grow fear and despair, losing the joy and peace so recently ours. Then sin has a playground. Our lives feel dark, and we might even begin to believe we cannot go back.
All that is needed is for us to heed God's urging, the whisper to our soul calling us back to him that softens our heart if we listen and remember God's great love for us. Then repent of our unfaithfulness and return to the only one who can truly love us for his love is truly unconditional. We don't even have to clean up. We return, just as the younger son in the Prodigal parable, and we find a heavenly father waiting to lavish on us the riches of his love.
We pray for his healing, for his miracle, according to his perfect will, discernment to see it, wisdom to understand it, and the mercy and grace to accept it. Please join us in prayer as we do so. God bless you as you do.
Last night we enjoyed a meal of Jenkins' oven fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans topped off with a beautiful apple pie.
Today I hit the fatigue factor kind of early at work. Usually I notice it at about 10:30 just before lunch. Occasionally it will hold off until about 1:00. But today I could tell I was a little more tired than normal at about 8:15. But working through it by staying busy got me to about 2:15 and almost home. Nothing else significant to report.
Again God blesses us with good days filled with witnessing his care for us through the encouragement of people contacting through Facebook (Cynth more than me, email, a few phone calls and the visits on these days we have treatment. I have missed a few of those, and I am truly sorry.
It has occurred to me that most of the popular (as opposed to classical or jazz) music I have mentioned thus far only includes guy groups or guy solo artists, despite us having numerous girl groups or girl solo recordings. At the moment, I don't have a single song in my head from a girl act that I can use here for the train of thought I have going here. I just thought I'd mention it. Come to think of it, I do have a song in my head that I can use.
I think I've already mentioned the comedy album belonging to my parents that I used to listen to. There were two albums they had by Teresa Brewer. Well, two that remember. The first was Heavenly Lover, but my favorite for the title song was "'When Your Lover Has Gone.". The album cover had a photo of Miss Brewer on an evening gown, an image of sophistication, looking through a window, as if expecting her heart's desire to round the corner and up to her door at any minute. I only remember the title track. I love the way it begins slow with a lush string section providing the movement, which gives way to a boss nova style to the end. Okay, so it so it doesn't even come close to my train of thought . . . It just happened to be on my mind just now.
What is on my mind is the discussion we had with Dr Havens yesterday, and a realization that while we've prayed many things, we may not have been praying for a cure, at least not specifically. So, today I heard from two at least that heard about our talk with Dr H, and they told me they are praying specifically for a cure, not simply remission. Thinking back to our first visit to Dr Felice, I am reminded that he told us he does not discount miracles, that we were going to work toward turning this into a chronic illness, but that he encouraged hopeful goals. So maybe we should ask that you join us in praying for a cure. God has heard all these many prayers - why not this one also?
Why not indeed? God is ever present. He is not absent. And he is working, ever working to bring about his perfect will. He can work a miracle here, just as he does for many other such things. The key is for us to see it. Do we really believe that God cares about us? Do we believe that he loves and cares so much for us that he is always at work, molding us, shaping us, guide us toward what he intends us to be. And since he is constantly working on us, he is not ever far away, absent from us. We are the ones who wander. And when we wander, it is not God who is left alone for he is all together all sufficient. It is us who are alone. All alone. To us, it feels as though God is far off. We allow ourselves to believe God who we are told is the lover of our souls, has left us, and so we are left to grow fear and despair, losing the joy and peace so recently ours. Then sin has a playground. Our lives feel dark, and we might even begin to believe we cannot go back.
All that is needed is for us to heed God's urging, the whisper to our soul calling us back to him that softens our heart if we listen and remember God's great love for us. Then repent of our unfaithfulness and return to the only one who can truly love us for his love is truly unconditional. We don't even have to clean up. We return, just as the younger son in the Prodigal parable, and we find a heavenly father waiting to lavish on us the riches of his love.
We pray for his healing, for his miracle, according to his perfect will, discernment to see it, wisdom to understand it, and the mercy and grace to accept it. Please join us in prayer as we do so. God bless you as you do.
Last night we enjoyed a meal of Jenkins' oven fried chicken, mashed potatoes, green beans topped off with a beautiful apple pie.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
A Skosh More About Blessings
Today we began Treatment #6. All the blood counts were good and the treatment thus far is going like the ones before. Today we also had Aaron over to our family doctor for a physical; he is wanting to resume working out, and it has been a while since his pre-football physical, so he wanted to get this physical and clear it with our doctor first.
We began seeing Dr Havens when Cynth wanted to find a doctor of osteopathy for working out the kinks in her back. While I was on active duty, I also took advantage of Dr Havens' unique training to realign my back on a few occasions. He is a little unorthodox, wearing jeans and cowboy boots, and not necessarily soft-spoken. Yet he spends whatever time you need to discuss everything from your presenting issue to other, more general life events. After I retired from active duty, I went to Dr Havens to keep up with my physicals. He had even mentioned that soon we would want to do a colonoscopy, especially as I approach 50.
Did I mention that Dr Havens keeps a unique syringe? It is about three inches in diameter, about six in he's long, all metal with a very crooked needle. It is used to joke with kids (some, not all), asking them if they need a "butt" shot. Dr Havens, a few years ago was in pretty bad shape. While clearing a fallen tree from the road in front of his house with his son after a violent storm, a driver under the influence clipped him, nearly severing his leg, as he pushed his son out of the way. Years later, Dr Havens would tell me that he hated to be giving us the news about the suspected disease on the liver.
Today, Dr Havens spent nearly thirty minutes after seeing Aaron just to talk with Cynth and me about the treatments and Mustangs. Cars, not horses. It seems he has a 1965 he has been working on for quite awhile. He was very pleased with the reports he had been receiving from Dr Felice. He told me I should work , if that is what I wanted to do, and he told me to get to work on my Mustang, because time is limited . . . for everyone, not just me. He kind of repeated Dr Felice, saying while "cure" is not in the vocabulary, remission is.
As we concluded our time, I said that we felt that this was a blessing. He asked "how so?" missing a unique opportunity, I talked about the nearly complete lack of side effects, even the fatigue since I can work and do pretty much everything I want or need to do. My missed opportunity was to tell him how us being here, and having him as our family doctor is a blessing for the care he demonstrates for our family, and his recommendations for doctors along this journey. I did say that we have seen God working through this at every turn. I wish I had said more.
That's often the way it is, trying to do something we feel led by God to do, wanting it to be successful for God, but failing in the attempt either saying too much, or too little, all the while thinking we've screwed it up. We must remember that we need only be obedient to God's call, leaving the results to God.
In 1975, the English art rock quartet of Graham Gouldman, Eric Stewart, Kevin Godley and Lol Creme (10cc),released their third album, The Original Soundtrack and the top single, "I'm Not In Love." I didn't care for it much then, but I've grown to like for it's several aspects. I began to like it, I believe, after a different line-up of 10cc released their sixth album in 1977, Deceptive Bends and "The Things We Do For Love," which used a similar technique as "I'm Not In Love." The synopsis of the latter song is the narrator repeating that he is not in love, but throughout the verses and by the end of the song he realizes that he is fooling himself.
When we have expectations of a successful outing trying to reach someone for Christ, we also are fooling ourselves. We need to acknowledge, that though God has called us to be his instruments, we are useful as the implement he accomplishes his work through. And what is his work? Redemption. Reconciliation. Restoration. Though we may not see the results, we get to help. And that is enough, so long as we trust in God's sovereignty and his provision of his Spirit to work in us and through us.
Yes. Dr Havens is a blessing, used by God for his purposes. At least in the case of this redeemed, adopted sinner, he blesses us by his care for us and the truth he is willing to speak to us. Pray with me that I, we, you will be such a blessing to others, speaking God's truth. God bless you to be such an instrument.
We began seeing Dr Havens when Cynth wanted to find a doctor of osteopathy for working out the kinks in her back. While I was on active duty, I also took advantage of Dr Havens' unique training to realign my back on a few occasions. He is a little unorthodox, wearing jeans and cowboy boots, and not necessarily soft-spoken. Yet he spends whatever time you need to discuss everything from your presenting issue to other, more general life events. After I retired from active duty, I went to Dr Havens to keep up with my physicals. He had even mentioned that soon we would want to do a colonoscopy, especially as I approach 50.
Did I mention that Dr Havens keeps a unique syringe? It is about three inches in diameter, about six in he's long, all metal with a very crooked needle. It is used to joke with kids (some, not all), asking them if they need a "butt" shot. Dr Havens, a few years ago was in pretty bad shape. While clearing a fallen tree from the road in front of his house with his son after a violent storm, a driver under the influence clipped him, nearly severing his leg, as he pushed his son out of the way. Years later, Dr Havens would tell me that he hated to be giving us the news about the suspected disease on the liver.
Today, Dr Havens spent nearly thirty minutes after seeing Aaron just to talk with Cynth and me about the treatments and Mustangs. Cars, not horses. It seems he has a 1965 he has been working on for quite awhile. He was very pleased with the reports he had been receiving from Dr Felice. He told me I should work , if that is what I wanted to do, and he told me to get to work on my Mustang, because time is limited . . . for everyone, not just me. He kind of repeated Dr Felice, saying while "cure" is not in the vocabulary, remission is.
As we concluded our time, I said that we felt that this was a blessing. He asked "how so?" missing a unique opportunity, I talked about the nearly complete lack of side effects, even the fatigue since I can work and do pretty much everything I want or need to do. My missed opportunity was to tell him how us being here, and having him as our family doctor is a blessing for the care he demonstrates for our family, and his recommendations for doctors along this journey. I did say that we have seen God working through this at every turn. I wish I had said more.
That's often the way it is, trying to do something we feel led by God to do, wanting it to be successful for God, but failing in the attempt either saying too much, or too little, all the while thinking we've screwed it up. We must remember that we need only be obedient to God's call, leaving the results to God.
In 1975, the English art rock quartet of Graham Gouldman, Eric Stewart, Kevin Godley and Lol Creme (10cc),released their third album, The Original Soundtrack and the top single, "I'm Not In Love." I didn't care for it much then, but I've grown to like for it's several aspects. I began to like it, I believe, after a different line-up of 10cc released their sixth album in 1977, Deceptive Bends and "The Things We Do For Love," which used a similar technique as "I'm Not In Love." The synopsis of the latter song is the narrator repeating that he is not in love, but throughout the verses and by the end of the song he realizes that he is fooling himself.
When we have expectations of a successful outing trying to reach someone for Christ, we also are fooling ourselves. We need to acknowledge, that though God has called us to be his instruments, we are useful as the implement he accomplishes his work through. And what is his work? Redemption. Reconciliation. Restoration. Though we may not see the results, we get to help. And that is enough, so long as we trust in God's sovereignty and his provision of his Spirit to work in us and through us.
Yes. Dr Havens is a blessing, used by God for his purposes. At least in the case of this redeemed, adopted sinner, he blesses us by his care for us and the truth he is willing to speak to us. Pray with me that I, we, you will be such a blessing to others, speaking God's truth. God bless you to be such an instrument.
Monday, September 13, 2010
Blessings to Us and Blessings to God
Good Sunday evening, Y'all. A wonderful day of worship and an encouraging sermon on what it means when God blesses us, and what it means when we bless God. Examples from the Old Testament illustrated that God empowers us when he blesses us. And when we bless God, we are attributing to him through our praises the blessings he has showered on us. When our days are spent recounting what God has done, we gain a clearer picture of how God is working now, and what he may do in the future. We get closer to him.
God continues to work in me, giving me a peace I could never have imagined. Does it calm completely? God still strengthens me, but am I free from fatigue? God pours out his comfort, but does pain escape me? The answers to these questions are all the same. It is true that I am continually experiencing God' peace, strength, and comfort every day. And it is equally so that I still struggle against this disease and the sense of fairness that my sinful self views as violated. I still experience fatigue, and I've been talking much lately about the pain I feel.
God's provision, his blessings to me are always sufficient, being exactly what I need to keep seeking him and trusting him. Let me say that again. God blesses me in the many, many provisions sustain me every day. And those blessings, though filling me to overflowing, are sufficient for my need, not necessarily what I may want. I see God meeting me in my need and moving me to trust him more. What a wonderfully glorious experience! To know beyond a doubt that I am completely incapable of walking this journey on my own, even with other human help, that I have been given this opportunity to experience this growth in faith, and to see God at every step in the blessings he pours out through his people . . . I am driven to praise him for he has done great things!
When we began this journey, we talked as if there was an end almost in sight. And maybe that false sense gave us a little security - sort of a "finite" reality in the infinite uncertainty. But now here we are, where we are just days from beginning treatment number 6. Many more days, weeks and months are to follow, if Jesus delays his return. And more treatments. We don't know yet but that as the treatments pass, we might face other difficulties, just as we have had with scan results that seem to indicate troublesome news, or the difficult episodes of pain I have had. But it won't matter, because I have been at this specific trial now with God for nearly four months (going back to May), and he has brought me here safely, and he will continue, for he is my shepherd.
Good night, and God bless you. Just don't forget to bless him (Psalm 103).
God continues to work in me, giving me a peace I could never have imagined. Does it calm completely? God still strengthens me, but am I free from fatigue? God pours out his comfort, but does pain escape me? The answers to these questions are all the same. It is true that I am continually experiencing God' peace, strength, and comfort every day. And it is equally so that I still struggle against this disease and the sense of fairness that my sinful self views as violated. I still experience fatigue, and I've been talking much lately about the pain I feel.
God's provision, his blessings to me are always sufficient, being exactly what I need to keep seeking him and trusting him. Let me say that again. God blesses me in the many, many provisions sustain me every day. And those blessings, though filling me to overflowing, are sufficient for my need, not necessarily what I may want. I see God meeting me in my need and moving me to trust him more. What a wonderfully glorious experience! To know beyond a doubt that I am completely incapable of walking this journey on my own, even with other human help, that I have been given this opportunity to experience this growth in faith, and to see God at every step in the blessings he pours out through his people . . . I am driven to praise him for he has done great things!
When we began this journey, we talked as if there was an end almost in sight. And maybe that false sense gave us a little security - sort of a "finite" reality in the infinite uncertainty. But now here we are, where we are just days from beginning treatment number 6. Many more days, weeks and months are to follow, if Jesus delays his return. And more treatments. We don't know yet but that as the treatments pass, we might face other difficulties, just as we have had with scan results that seem to indicate troublesome news, or the difficult episodes of pain I have had. But it won't matter, because I have been at this specific trial now with God for nearly four months (going back to May), and he has brought me here safely, and he will continue, for he is my shepherd.
Good night, and God bless you. Just don't forget to bless him (Psalm 103).
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Phone Calls. A Blessing?
I had a most blessed phone call today. We sat and talked over the recent (Thursday, this week) news regarding the scan results from August 23. I realized that I may have left a few points undeveloped.
The doctor that reviewed and reported the scan to Dr Felice reported "multiple pulmonary nodules" that had not changed in size or number when compared to the previous scans. She went on. "There are several uncalcified pulmonary nodules throughout the lungs . . . Which presumably represent small metastatic lesions." Earlier scans indicated what two doctors have thus far described as "scar tissue" in the lower lobes of both lungs, presumably from a childhood illness. These did show in previous scans, except in the PET scan, which lends some validity to the "scar tissue" description.
Next, the reviewing doctor describes a "subcentimeter hypodensity in the midpole of the right kidney . . . too small to accurately characterize by CT." Again, the previous scan that would help clarify here was the earlier MRI and the PET. And lastly, the doctor noted the bladder "is partially collapsed" but she continued that it is "unremarkable." Well! Thanks, Doc.
Dr Felice told Cynth on Thursday last, that when a diagnosis of cancer is known, they look for anything that might be cancer, and since the CEA score and liver enzymes were significantly lowered, I think the scan reviewer was probably just being very thorough in the report. The bladder, though, I will leave unremarkably (nothing significant to note about it). Now all has been fairly descriptively explained.
Today began with breakfast, fixed by your truly, as has been the case on a few other Saturdays: eggs, bacon, grits (not instant) and toast. I even had a little coffee (I had stopped drinking coffee in late May or June for reasons not connected with the cancer). Overall a pretty good day, just a little tired and still feeling some pain and discomfort, although not nearly as bad as earlier in the week. I was able to complete a few things on the list, and one or so things not on the list, so a pretty good day overall. Then the phone call.
And I had new insight. I've talked about calling, work, the circumstances in life, trials and where God is in all these things. I've tried to put words to how I try to approach the day. And even though I might intellectually get it, walking this path has made it very real, and more so since the call this afternoon. It really doesn't matter. Sure, we make plans that have significance and meaning to us. Our work, our relationships, our time and our possessions all have some significance to us - even in limited ways we are defined by them.
Then change comes. Maybe for the better, but maybe not. What then? That is when it hit me square between the eyes. For me to question God about "why me" this or "why not me" thus, is to try to approach him while thumping my chest overly proud and even to suggest that I alone am qualified to handle the task, whatever it may be. But see this through his eyes.
He told Moses that his name is "I AM," meaning he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He created everything that is simply by the power of his word. And he breathed into man, whom he created in his own image, the breath of life. And what he wants from me is not the work of my hands, or the results of my labor, but my heart - bowed before him in worship, giving him all praise, honor and glory. Whether my day really is good - and they have been good, every day along this road has been good - or my day is bad, my calling and duty as his child is to worship him and sing his praise. And when I enter the day worshiping and I praise him throughout the day, even if some difficulty befall me, I am lifted up to him. Not quite like Isaiah in chapter 6, but something like Moses who asked to see his face, but was allowed only to see his glory as he passed by.
Today (it is Sunday already) I will join with all of you and the rest of the body of Christ as we gather for worship. Think of that - all our voices and spirits raised in worship of God the Father Almighty together with all the saints who have gone before. Now think of that, as you worship in the stillness of your heart throughout the week. How can one possibly say to God, "why me?" or even "why not me?" Why don't we try "because of you, Father," also "because of your Son?"
May your worship, today and every day, fill you with his Spirit as you go about the work he has given you to do, and bring glory and honor to him who loves us. Amen
The doctor that reviewed and reported the scan to Dr Felice reported "multiple pulmonary nodules" that had not changed in size or number when compared to the previous scans. She went on. "There are several uncalcified pulmonary nodules throughout the lungs . . . Which presumably represent small metastatic lesions." Earlier scans indicated what two doctors have thus far described as "scar tissue" in the lower lobes of both lungs, presumably from a childhood illness. These did show in previous scans, except in the PET scan, which lends some validity to the "scar tissue" description.
Next, the reviewing doctor describes a "subcentimeter hypodensity in the midpole of the right kidney . . . too small to accurately characterize by CT." Again, the previous scan that would help clarify here was the earlier MRI and the PET. And lastly, the doctor noted the bladder "is partially collapsed" but she continued that it is "unremarkable." Well! Thanks, Doc.
Dr Felice told Cynth on Thursday last, that when a diagnosis of cancer is known, they look for anything that might be cancer, and since the CEA score and liver enzymes were significantly lowered, I think the scan reviewer was probably just being very thorough in the report. The bladder, though, I will leave unremarkably (nothing significant to note about it). Now all has been fairly descriptively explained.
Today began with breakfast, fixed by your truly, as has been the case on a few other Saturdays: eggs, bacon, grits (not instant) and toast. I even had a little coffee (I had stopped drinking coffee in late May or June for reasons not connected with the cancer). Overall a pretty good day, just a little tired and still feeling some pain and discomfort, although not nearly as bad as earlier in the week. I was able to complete a few things on the list, and one or so things not on the list, so a pretty good day overall. Then the phone call.
And I had new insight. I've talked about calling, work, the circumstances in life, trials and where God is in all these things. I've tried to put words to how I try to approach the day. And even though I might intellectually get it, walking this path has made it very real, and more so since the call this afternoon. It really doesn't matter. Sure, we make plans that have significance and meaning to us. Our work, our relationships, our time and our possessions all have some significance to us - even in limited ways we are defined by them.
Then change comes. Maybe for the better, but maybe not. What then? That is when it hit me square between the eyes. For me to question God about "why me" this or "why not me" thus, is to try to approach him while thumping my chest overly proud and even to suggest that I alone am qualified to handle the task, whatever it may be. But see this through his eyes.
He told Moses that his name is "I AM," meaning he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He created everything that is simply by the power of his word. And he breathed into man, whom he created in his own image, the breath of life. And what he wants from me is not the work of my hands, or the results of my labor, but my heart - bowed before him in worship, giving him all praise, honor and glory. Whether my day really is good - and they have been good, every day along this road has been good - or my day is bad, my calling and duty as his child is to worship him and sing his praise. And when I enter the day worshiping and I praise him throughout the day, even if some difficulty befall me, I am lifted up to him. Not quite like Isaiah in chapter 6, but something like Moses who asked to see his face, but was allowed only to see his glory as he passed by.
Today (it is Sunday already) I will join with all of you and the rest of the body of Christ as we gather for worship. Think of that - all our voices and spirits raised in worship of God the Father Almighty together with all the saints who have gone before. Now think of that, as you worship in the stillness of your heart throughout the week. How can one possibly say to God, "why me?" or even "why not me?" Why don't we try "because of you, Father," also "because of your Son?"
May your worship, today and every day, fill you with his Spirit as you go about the work he has given you to do, and bring glory and honor to him who loves us. Amen
Friday, September 10, 2010
Ninety-two
My, my, my! How things do turn! One minute you are thinking, feeling, expecting according to particular plans or circumstances, and the next everything has changed completely. Such turn-on-a-dime occurrences often leave us scratching our heads, trying to understand the mysteries of the events making up our life.
I spent the day today at a "training session" to better understand Federal regulations affecting part of my operations. Cynth and I were concerned (she more than me) about the pain and discomfort I had been feeling lately, but I had been scheduled for this before all this pain, and I really needed to attend since I had developed the policy designed to ensure compliance. As I was en route, Cynth requested prayer for the travel and for my comfort. I can tell you that the travel was great, and the discomfort I did experience was nearly non-existent. The training, while serving to confirm much of what I already understood, provided some great tools as my operating moves forward. All of this, though, was overshadowed by the thirty minute lunch.
Late in the morning session I received a phone call from a number I did not recognize. When I got to the message, it was Dr Felice. I knew that Cynth was to call him to ask the questions we posed last Friday and for which we still had not received any answers. By the time I talked to Cynth, she had already talked to Dr Felice. The formal report of the 23 August scan was not complete when we met with Dr Felice on 26 August, but we got a copy last Wednesday. To recap our questions, the things of note were included possible lesions in both lungs, a spot on the right kidney, something about the bladder, in addition to the cancer that was already known. Our understanding until today was that there was no new cancer and no growth in the cancer that we knew about, a report that we were very thankful for.
Today, though, brought a different story. Cynth had called to ask about the pain and discomfort as well as the answers we were seeking about the report and the CEA score. So Dr Felice tells Cynth that the CEA score and the liver enzymes were significantly down from their high level when we began treatment. In addition, the cancer on the L1 is healing on it's own. Dr Felice's assessment is that we are moving in the right direction, and so treatment will continue through the end of the year.
I can only say that It is God who has wrought these results, just as is God who has been my strength and peace every step of this journey. And it is God who will be always my strength and peace through the coming months, for as long as I have breath. I cannot do anything but continue to give this disease, my treatment, and the outcome all to God. He gets all of my despair, frustration, anger and doubt, just as he has since before this disease was even a worry. And so whether good days or bad days, whether gripped by fear, or overflowing with peace, I will rejoice in God my rock, my salvation.
Almost forgot. Today is the ninety-second day since we learned that there was something serious going on with me (9 June). I still marvel at the passage of the time over these three months.
An item of note: I had earlier asked you all to include Olivia in your prayers. The news is that her condition was not serious as they had feared. But please continue to pray for all those I mentioned to you, as you pray for me moving forward for these coming months.
And praise be to our God and Father from whom comes all good gifts, and his Son our Lord Messiah Jesus and the Spirit who is his agent for his sanctification. May I be faithful in all that he has for me to do.
I spent the day today at a "training session" to better understand Federal regulations affecting part of my operations. Cynth and I were concerned (she more than me) about the pain and discomfort I had been feeling lately, but I had been scheduled for this before all this pain, and I really needed to attend since I had developed the policy designed to ensure compliance. As I was en route, Cynth requested prayer for the travel and for my comfort. I can tell you that the travel was great, and the discomfort I did experience was nearly non-existent. The training, while serving to confirm much of what I already understood, provided some great tools as my operating moves forward. All of this, though, was overshadowed by the thirty minute lunch.
Late in the morning session I received a phone call from a number I did not recognize. When I got to the message, it was Dr Felice. I knew that Cynth was to call him to ask the questions we posed last Friday and for which we still had not received any answers. By the time I talked to Cynth, she had already talked to Dr Felice. The formal report of the 23 August scan was not complete when we met with Dr Felice on 26 August, but we got a copy last Wednesday. To recap our questions, the things of note were included possible lesions in both lungs, a spot on the right kidney, something about the bladder, in addition to the cancer that was already known. Our understanding until today was that there was no new cancer and no growth in the cancer that we knew about, a report that we were very thankful for.
Today, though, brought a different story. Cynth had called to ask about the pain and discomfort as well as the answers we were seeking about the report and the CEA score. So Dr Felice tells Cynth that the CEA score and the liver enzymes were significantly down from their high level when we began treatment. In addition, the cancer on the L1 is healing on it's own. Dr Felice's assessment is that we are moving in the right direction, and so treatment will continue through the end of the year.
I can only say that It is God who has wrought these results, just as is God who has been my strength and peace every step of this journey. And it is God who will be always my strength and peace through the coming months, for as long as I have breath. I cannot do anything but continue to give this disease, my treatment, and the outcome all to God. He gets all of my despair, frustration, anger and doubt, just as he has since before this disease was even a worry. And so whether good days or bad days, whether gripped by fear, or overflowing with peace, I will rejoice in God my rock, my salvation.
Almost forgot. Today is the ninety-second day since we learned that there was something serious going on with me (9 June). I still marvel at the passage of the time over these three months.
An item of note: I had earlier asked you all to include Olivia in your prayers. The news is that her condition was not serious as they had feared. But please continue to pray for all those I mentioned to you, as you pray for me moving forward for these coming months.
And praise be to our God and Father from whom comes all good gifts, and his Son our Lord Messiah Jesus and the Spirit who is his agent for his sanctification. May I be faithful in all that he has for me to do.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz . . .
Good Wednesday, Everyone!
The instruction into what it is to live by faith continues here. Of course, I am always in awe, seeing God's hand, recognizing his guiding through the myriad feelings, questions, emotions and thoughts throughout my days. I do not doubt that he is near, because when I struggle, in anything, I am urged to cry out to him for relief which follows in ways that I could not even imagine. What an interesting concept, this notion of relief.
We take medicine in search of (many times) relief of symptoms. Not a cure, mind you, just relief. A natural disaster strikes, and many agencies fire up the relief response to aid those in peril. We seek relief in shade, comfort in a cozy fire, comfort in things familiar to us in the midst of strangeness. Each attempt to find relief, regardless of how much relief we actually experience, is only temporary. Now what I've described here concerns temporal things; those experiences that impact us in this world. The relief is important, right and necessary in so many instances. Though what really goes on in the granting of relief?
We are numbed, the discomfort from which we seek relief is nulled. The root of the discomfort is there, but it no longer affects us as it did before. And it doubtless will once again affect us, sooner or later, barring any intervention to otherwise prevent it from it's course. And being so relieved, we are unable to forget, not only the symptoms, but on the supposed root itself. We treat our sin condition similarly.
We try to ignore the warnings that we are worse (what Calvin called depraved) than we could ever imagine. God announces that there is no one that does good, and he identifies our heart condition as full of deceit (evil). Through the Apostle Paul, God gives us notice that we will continue in this struggle throughout life here. The relief? We are called to a life of repentance, to agree with God that we are sinners and that we need the washing of the blood of his Son shed on the cross to cleanse us from unrighteousness. We need faith to submit to him as a subject, while rejoicing that we are joint heirs in the Kingdom with Messiah Jesus.
That which we seek relief from in this life takes many forms. At present, I am desperately seeking relief from continued pain that I have cited here before. Monday in fact was as close to unbearable as I've been recently. No fashion that I sat, lay down, or stood could give comfort from the deep pain I was feeling. And after a reasonably pain-free day yesterday, the pain is back, though not due to the difficulties that preceded the pain on Monday. Cynth sent out a prayer request Monday night, and God gave me sleep and no residual pain overnight. As I said, I am in awe of God's work throughout this.
I want to thank you all again, not just for your prayers, encouragement, cards, visits, meals, fellowship, and the other ways that you all have showered this family with you love and care, but for your kid words regarding this blog. I am humbled that God has given me this forum to share what is happening with me. I've tried to place boundaries or limits (length, mostly), but I cannot.
Early in this journey, I wondered that living my faith so overtly in the face of this might be taken as too easy, especially as I have not experienced the more onerous side effects. A good friend told me to "be yourself." So here I am, writing as God gives me to write. And though I find it a little (OK, Cynth, maybe not so little) difficult to speak plainly to the degree I struggle against the physical impacts and the spiritual/mental/emotional affects, I can testify that this is not at all easy.
A friend visited me this afternoon, and after nearly an hour during which I described God's goodness throughout this journey, a simple telling of a discussion between Cynth and me brought me to tears. And looking through my eyes, I am unprepared for the words you all use to describe the impact of this blog. And all I can do is praise our great God and Father whose perfect plan gives me this opportunity to share him.
I pray that there are many unknown to me or you that finds this site and, through my weak efforts, are moved to call on him and turn to him in repentance.
The instruction into what it is to live by faith continues here. Of course, I am always in awe, seeing God's hand, recognizing his guiding through the myriad feelings, questions, emotions and thoughts throughout my days. I do not doubt that he is near, because when I struggle, in anything, I am urged to cry out to him for relief which follows in ways that I could not even imagine. What an interesting concept, this notion of relief.
We take medicine in search of (many times) relief of symptoms. Not a cure, mind you, just relief. A natural disaster strikes, and many agencies fire up the relief response to aid those in peril. We seek relief in shade, comfort in a cozy fire, comfort in things familiar to us in the midst of strangeness. Each attempt to find relief, regardless of how much relief we actually experience, is only temporary. Now what I've described here concerns temporal things; those experiences that impact us in this world. The relief is important, right and necessary in so many instances. Though what really goes on in the granting of relief?
We are numbed, the discomfort from which we seek relief is nulled. The root of the discomfort is there, but it no longer affects us as it did before. And it doubtless will once again affect us, sooner or later, barring any intervention to otherwise prevent it from it's course. And being so relieved, we are unable to forget, not only the symptoms, but on the supposed root itself. We treat our sin condition similarly.
We try to ignore the warnings that we are worse (what Calvin called depraved) than we could ever imagine. God announces that there is no one that does good, and he identifies our heart condition as full of deceit (evil). Through the Apostle Paul, God gives us notice that we will continue in this struggle throughout life here. The relief? We are called to a life of repentance, to agree with God that we are sinners and that we need the washing of the blood of his Son shed on the cross to cleanse us from unrighteousness. We need faith to submit to him as a subject, while rejoicing that we are joint heirs in the Kingdom with Messiah Jesus.
That which we seek relief from in this life takes many forms. At present, I am desperately seeking relief from continued pain that I have cited here before. Monday in fact was as close to unbearable as I've been recently. No fashion that I sat, lay down, or stood could give comfort from the deep pain I was feeling. And after a reasonably pain-free day yesterday, the pain is back, though not due to the difficulties that preceded the pain on Monday. Cynth sent out a prayer request Monday night, and God gave me sleep and no residual pain overnight. As I said, I am in awe of God's work throughout this.
I want to thank you all again, not just for your prayers, encouragement, cards, visits, meals, fellowship, and the other ways that you all have showered this family with you love and care, but for your kid words regarding this blog. I am humbled that God has given me this forum to share what is happening with me. I've tried to place boundaries or limits (length, mostly), but I cannot.
Early in this journey, I wondered that living my faith so overtly in the face of this might be taken as too easy, especially as I have not experienced the more onerous side effects. A good friend told me to "be yourself." So here I am, writing as God gives me to write. And though I find it a little (OK, Cynth, maybe not so little) difficult to speak plainly to the degree I struggle against the physical impacts and the spiritual/mental/emotional affects, I can testify that this is not at all easy.
A friend visited me this afternoon, and after nearly an hour during which I described God's goodness throughout this journey, a simple telling of a discussion between Cynth and me brought me to tears. And looking through my eyes, I am unprepared for the words you all use to describe the impact of this blog. And all I can do is praise our great God and Father whose perfect plan gives me this opportunity to share him.
I pray that there are many unknown to me or you that finds this site and, through my weak efforts, are moved to call on him and turn to him in repentance.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Sixty
This is the sixtieth post since I began June 24. Somehow that seems significant, and maybe it is, since 105 days have passed in the interim. I think because I tried "journaling" once before, fancying that I was something of an "Andy Rooney" kind of guy. I did enjoy his book, My War, about his time as a correspondent in World War II. I did okay for awhile, picking subjects that interested me and trying to sound like I knew what I was talking about. I picked up an appreciation for this kind of writing from the real Bob in my life, for it was he that introduced me to Mr. Rooney.
In my last semester of high school, Mom married Bob Alter, a widower who had moved to SC a year or so prior. Bob had retired from a military career and a subsequent government contractor job. After they married in March, 1980, Bob became as much a dad as he could be, giving sound advice and guidance, sometimes in spite of my desire to hear it or my perceived need of it. He and I would talk over many things - church, relationships, work, politics, and as I attempted to navigated (no pun intended) the "why's and wherefore's" of military service, Bob spoke truthfully. Bob also loves the Lord.
Years later I would enjoy the writings of another writer similar, but I think better to Mr. Rooney. Frank Gilbreath, one of the children of "Cheaper by the Dozen" fame wrote as "Ashley Cooper" in an article titled "Doing the Charleston" for the Charleston (SC) News and Courier. Ashley Cooper injected a lot of local stories in his writing, and often took material from the readers, including several from my father-in-law, the late Holland Smith.
To Mr. Smith, I was "the hillbilly boyfriend" and I believe he knew before Cynth or me that a serious relationship was developing despite our repeated protestations. He had a gift of words, and could spin a story that was certain to split your sides with laughter. He loved history, especially American history and America's wars. And he loved God.
So what is this all about? We all have routines. As a child I used to listen to a comedy record (I forget who the comedian was) that contained a joke about the order of putting on pants and socks - something to do with what you'd want to have on in the event of a sudden emergency. I recall only that it seemed funny to the audience, but not to me. But we all have routines. I find that I shave my face the same way - have for years. And attempts to alter the pattern gets me all out of whack for awhile.
In the course of the routine, we interact with many, many people. Some close to us, but others are not. Regardless, do we pass by and not consider how we might be God's love, mercy and/or peace at that moment? Do we think that we need to do more than simply say "Hello" to make a difference in a life? If we do, then we have already convinced our self to stay silent and inward looking.
I've written here before that we all have a deep, deep longing. A longing that only Christ can fill. That longing is to belong, to matter, for relationship. And we pass people by, usually not acknowledging that we pass because God so ordered it. Sometimes we may speak a greeting, but is it with the conviction that God intends to use us in even a small way in the other life at that moment? What if our routine were expanded to include speaking a greeting, engaging the eyes, to show another that they matter?
Remember, we have been commanded to follow, told to do, and asked to let go. Not all can influence the way a writer, artist, or other can. Many cannot mold the way a dad can. Let me change these statements: None of us can influence or mold the way that God can. But we can be available to be his instrument, where he has us in space and time, to be used by him for his glory, an outcome we may not see in this life. And for that, all we need to do is say "yes, Lord."
Please continue to pray for those I have named here. I ask you to lift up my cousin, Joe Stansell, and the friends of a co-worker who tragically lost their son this weekend. God hears your prayers and he is good.
In my last semester of high school, Mom married Bob Alter, a widower who had moved to SC a year or so prior. Bob had retired from a military career and a subsequent government contractor job. After they married in March, 1980, Bob became as much a dad as he could be, giving sound advice and guidance, sometimes in spite of my desire to hear it or my perceived need of it. He and I would talk over many things - church, relationships, work, politics, and as I attempted to navigated (no pun intended) the "why's and wherefore's" of military service, Bob spoke truthfully. Bob also loves the Lord.
Years later I would enjoy the writings of another writer similar, but I think better to Mr. Rooney. Frank Gilbreath, one of the children of "Cheaper by the Dozen" fame wrote as "Ashley Cooper" in an article titled "Doing the Charleston" for the Charleston (SC) News and Courier. Ashley Cooper injected a lot of local stories in his writing, and often took material from the readers, including several from my father-in-law, the late Holland Smith.
To Mr. Smith, I was "the hillbilly boyfriend" and I believe he knew before Cynth or me that a serious relationship was developing despite our repeated protestations. He had a gift of words, and could spin a story that was certain to split your sides with laughter. He loved history, especially American history and America's wars. And he loved God.
So what is this all about? We all have routines. As a child I used to listen to a comedy record (I forget who the comedian was) that contained a joke about the order of putting on pants and socks - something to do with what you'd want to have on in the event of a sudden emergency. I recall only that it seemed funny to the audience, but not to me. But we all have routines. I find that I shave my face the same way - have for years. And attempts to alter the pattern gets me all out of whack for awhile.
In the course of the routine, we interact with many, many people. Some close to us, but others are not. Regardless, do we pass by and not consider how we might be God's love, mercy and/or peace at that moment? Do we think that we need to do more than simply say "Hello" to make a difference in a life? If we do, then we have already convinced our self to stay silent and inward looking.
I've written here before that we all have a deep, deep longing. A longing that only Christ can fill. That longing is to belong, to matter, for relationship. And we pass people by, usually not acknowledging that we pass because God so ordered it. Sometimes we may speak a greeting, but is it with the conviction that God intends to use us in even a small way in the other life at that moment? What if our routine were expanded to include speaking a greeting, engaging the eyes, to show another that they matter?
Remember, we have been commanded to follow, told to do, and asked to let go. Not all can influence the way a writer, artist, or other can. Many cannot mold the way a dad can. Let me change these statements: None of us can influence or mold the way that God can. But we can be available to be his instrument, where he has us in space and time, to be used by him for his glory, an outcome we may not see in this life. And for that, all we need to do is say "yes, Lord."
Please continue to pray for those I have named here. I ask you to lift up my cousin, Joe Stansell, and the friends of a co-worker who tragically lost their son this weekend. God hears your prayers and he is good.
Monday, September 6, 2010
Work of the Potter and the Clay
What a restful day! Morning worship, singing praises to the Most High with the church, a message on the Work of the Kingdom, and communion. Then, Panda Express with Aaron, a little bit of the Bengals v Colts, and the entire North Texas v Clemson game (on my DVD recorder) whilst I tried to take a nap. Lastly, a mind-bender - Cynth and I went with Aaron to see Inception. Pretty good movie about dreams and reality. The key to knowing whether you were dreaming was your "totem," an object you took with you into the dream.
Ever feel like you move through life as if in a trance? Going through the motions, but not really aware of how you end up in a place? I've driven a familiar piece of road many-a-time, only to suddenly become "awake" in the surroundings, but unable to remember passing things that I should remember passing. And there is always the experience of "I've been here before."
Life experiences also make us feel as though we are living a dream. The elation we feel at good fortune almost always elicits a good "I can't believe it, " or "it's too good to be true." On the flip side, when trouble comes, we respond similarly, saying "no way!," or "that just can't be so." We live within some sort of constructs where there is some degree of flexibility to allow for variances, while also providing a rigidity founded on the desires, aspirations, and ultimately our expectations. Our desires seem to come to life, becoming reality even before fully realized. When our desires consume us, and something disrupts that "perceived reality," then the "bad dream," the nightmare begins. What then?
Is God only God when our picture of reality mirrors or exceeds our dreams? No! Is God only in control when our prayers are answered just as we hoped? No! Is God only real when we feel him especially close? No!
One of my favorite pictures from Scripture is that of the potter. The potter is used many times in the Bible, but I want to focus on a couple of passages. First, from Isaiah 29:13-16, God, speaking to Israel (and us) through the prophet says, "And the Lord said: 'Because this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men, therefore, behold, I will again do wonderful things with this people, with wonder upon wonder; and the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the discernment of their discerning men shall be hidden. Ah, you who hide deep from the Lord your counsel, whose deeds are in the dark, and who say, 'Who sees us? Who knows us?' You turn things upside down! Shall the potter be regarded as the clay, that the thing made should say of its maker, 'He did not make me'; or the thing formed say of him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'?
Ever try to shirk God off as if to say, "what have you to do with me?" Later, in Isaiah 64:8, Isaiah making supplication for the people says, "But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand." God himself is at work molding us, shaping us in ways we cannot even imagine. Just look at the first passage above once more. God says, "I will again do wonderful things with this people." Might things described by God as wonderful take a path we couldn't think of ever going down, or include circumstances that would not be what we would choose ourselves? Why not?
Real reality comes from knowing, acknowledging and submitting to God alone as the sovereign LORD of all, even the moments when our dreams are turned upside down. Still the question comes, "Why, Lord?" Jesus even, as the hour of his betrayal approached, was troubled. Matthew 26:38-39 records that Jesus said to Peter, James and John in Gethsemane, 'My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.' And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.'
When we abide in Christ, staying in the Word of God, and make our prayers to him in the Spirit, we are transformed, even in little steps, and his reality becomes our reality. We may not understand fully, but not that it matters, because we, being shaped by him into the vessel he intends to use, are sighted on our work in his kingdom for his glory alone, for that is our purpose, ultimately.
So whatever circumstances may come in your life, whether the good that seems too good to be true, or those that seem too terrible that you cannot see how you'll make it through, ask God to help you see a glimpse of his purpose in those circumstances and how he intends to use them in your life for his kingdom. Then, his reality is becoming your reality, and his dreams become your dreams, and you won't have to have any "totem" to know the difference.
Please continue to pray for Cynth and me. Overall, I am feeling good, but I continue to have some of the difficulty I mentioned a week or so ago, and Cynth is trying to help me every way she can through encouraging me with higher fiber foods, and reminding me to take the medicinal help as I should. She is, second to God, that which I cannot do without, making these days more bearable simply by her presence at my side and the untiring work she accomplishes each day here. And her spirit, bowing to God, keeps us in his reality, and seeking his dreams.
Ever feel like you move through life as if in a trance? Going through the motions, but not really aware of how you end up in a place? I've driven a familiar piece of road many-a-time, only to suddenly become "awake" in the surroundings, but unable to remember passing things that I should remember passing. And there is always the experience of "I've been here before."
Life experiences also make us feel as though we are living a dream. The elation we feel at good fortune almost always elicits a good "I can't believe it, " or "it's too good to be true." On the flip side, when trouble comes, we respond similarly, saying "no way!," or "that just can't be so." We live within some sort of constructs where there is some degree of flexibility to allow for variances, while also providing a rigidity founded on the desires, aspirations, and ultimately our expectations. Our desires seem to come to life, becoming reality even before fully realized. When our desires consume us, and something disrupts that "perceived reality," then the "bad dream," the nightmare begins. What then?
Is God only God when our picture of reality mirrors or exceeds our dreams? No! Is God only in control when our prayers are answered just as we hoped? No! Is God only real when we feel him especially close? No!
One of my favorite pictures from Scripture is that of the potter. The potter is used many times in the Bible, but I want to focus on a couple of passages. First, from Isaiah 29:13-16, God, speaking to Israel (and us) through the prophet says, "And the Lord said: 'Because this people draw near with their mouth and honor me with their lips, while their hearts are far from me, and their fear of me is a commandment taught by men, therefore, behold, I will again do wonderful things with this people, with wonder upon wonder; and the wisdom of their wise men shall perish, and the discernment of their discerning men shall be hidden. Ah, you who hide deep from the Lord your counsel, whose deeds are in the dark, and who say, 'Who sees us? Who knows us?' You turn things upside down! Shall the potter be regarded as the clay, that the thing made should say of its maker, 'He did not make me'; or the thing formed say of him who formed it, 'He has no understanding'?
Ever try to shirk God off as if to say, "what have you to do with me?" Later, in Isaiah 64:8, Isaiah making supplication for the people says, "But now, O Lord, you are our Father; we are the clay, and you are our potter; we are all the work of your hand." God himself is at work molding us, shaping us in ways we cannot even imagine. Just look at the first passage above once more. God says, "I will again do wonderful things with this people." Might things described by God as wonderful take a path we couldn't think of ever going down, or include circumstances that would not be what we would choose ourselves? Why not?
Real reality comes from knowing, acknowledging and submitting to God alone as the sovereign LORD of all, even the moments when our dreams are turned upside down. Still the question comes, "Why, Lord?" Jesus even, as the hour of his betrayal approached, was troubled. Matthew 26:38-39 records that Jesus said to Peter, James and John in Gethsemane, 'My soul is very sorrowful, even to death; remain here, and watch with me.' And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, 'My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will.'
When we abide in Christ, staying in the Word of God, and make our prayers to him in the Spirit, we are transformed, even in little steps, and his reality becomes our reality. We may not understand fully, but not that it matters, because we, being shaped by him into the vessel he intends to use, are sighted on our work in his kingdom for his glory alone, for that is our purpose, ultimately.
So whatever circumstances may come in your life, whether the good that seems too good to be true, or those that seem too terrible that you cannot see how you'll make it through, ask God to help you see a glimpse of his purpose in those circumstances and how he intends to use them in your life for his kingdom. Then, his reality is becoming your reality, and his dreams become your dreams, and you won't have to have any "totem" to know the difference.
Please continue to pray for Cynth and me. Overall, I am feeling good, but I continue to have some of the difficulty I mentioned a week or so ago, and Cynth is trying to help me every way she can through encouraging me with higher fiber foods, and reminding me to take the medicinal help as I should. She is, second to God, that which I cannot do without, making these days more bearable simply by her presence at my side and the untiring work she accomplishes each day here. And her spirit, bowing to God, keeps us in his reality, and seeking his dreams.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Chasing, or Being Chased?
Today the Clemson University Tigers opened the 2010 season with a win. Each game I see, whether on TV or live, I always replay the same things in my mind: Saturdays as a toddler sitting in section GG (the Hill) when my dad was a student there, the approximate location of the prefab house we lived in (now the site of one of the gates to Litteljohn Coliseum) and watching jets fly high overhead and breaking the sound barrier. I also remember going to a Tigerama rally (the pep rally, I think before the game against the Tiger's state rival, the University of South Carolina Gamecocks), the picture of the tiger that hung in the Clemson House (I think), the duplex we lived in for awhile, the grey baseball outfit I had, and eating sliced cheese.
This morning, as I woke up, I told Cynth that I felt I was running from this thing that is chasing me, and I don't know whether I am far ahead or that it is catching up to me. Not that this thought was completely new, or that it is a consuming thought. It is neither new nor pervasive. Nor is it persuasive. It cannot be, because every thought is given over to the Lord of my life for he is using all this to work in my life and many around me.
I was not ever a fast runner, but I did try, once going out for track in Junior High or High School, I can't remember which. Regardless, I don't recall it lasting very long, since it seems that, looking back on it now,I apparently chasing something, or I was being chased.
This is also a common theme in humanity, another indication of the deep longing that we try to fill with things other than the completely sufficient for all our longing - God alone. Many songs (Running Away - Pablo Cruise; The Piña Colada Song (Escape) - Rupert Holmes; Chasing the Dream - Little River Band, Run to You - Brian Adams) talk about our life in the chase. And all along, God is pursuing us - God the Creator, self-sufficient, not needing anything, even from the likes of us - chases us down for no other reason than that he loves us.
And why does he chase us, but to cause us to return to him. To repent of our unfaithfulness, and believe on him, to fill our lives with him and to live in him. All the while enjoying in this life the assurance of adoption as his child, eternal life as a guarantee, and the indwelling of the Spirit, despite our continued struggle in sin and our difficulties in the brokenness that still is this world.
Chasing, or being chased? At the moment, just a thought, a passing metaphor for what it feels like to be me at the moment. I am not concerned with whether I am outrunning this disease or almost caught in its clutches, because I know who runs with me, and he promises to never leave me. So whether or not I am really being chased, all I shall do is run this race set before me. And this race is a marathon, not a sprint, so I will trust that he will guide and help me to persevere, to endure all that I face, by his grace and provision. Along this race I will doubtless have distractions, more difficulties and trials. God is everything to me, and is sufficient to see me through.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1
Good night and God bless all of you for your encouragement and prayers for me, Cynth and our family.
This morning, as I woke up, I told Cynth that I felt I was running from this thing that is chasing me, and I don't know whether I am far ahead or that it is catching up to me. Not that this thought was completely new, or that it is a consuming thought. It is neither new nor pervasive. Nor is it persuasive. It cannot be, because every thought is given over to the Lord of my life for he is using all this to work in my life and many around me.
I was not ever a fast runner, but I did try, once going out for track in Junior High or High School, I can't remember which. Regardless, I don't recall it lasting very long, since it seems that, looking back on it now,I apparently chasing something, or I was being chased.
This is also a common theme in humanity, another indication of the deep longing that we try to fill with things other than the completely sufficient for all our longing - God alone. Many songs (Running Away - Pablo Cruise; The Piña Colada Song (Escape) - Rupert Holmes; Chasing the Dream - Little River Band, Run to You - Brian Adams) talk about our life in the chase. And all along, God is pursuing us - God the Creator, self-sufficient, not needing anything, even from the likes of us - chases us down for no other reason than that he loves us.
And why does he chase us, but to cause us to return to him. To repent of our unfaithfulness, and believe on him, to fill our lives with him and to live in him. All the while enjoying in this life the assurance of adoption as his child, eternal life as a guarantee, and the indwelling of the Spirit, despite our continued struggle in sin and our difficulties in the brokenness that still is this world.
Chasing, or being chased? At the moment, just a thought, a passing metaphor for what it feels like to be me at the moment. I am not concerned with whether I am outrunning this disease or almost caught in its clutches, because I know who runs with me, and he promises to never leave me. So whether or not I am really being chased, all I shall do is run this race set before me. And this race is a marathon, not a sprint, so I will trust that he will guide and help me to persevere, to endure all that I face, by his grace and provision. Along this race I will doubtless have distractions, more difficulties and trials. God is everything to me, and is sufficient to see me through.
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1
Good night and God bless all of you for your encouragement and prayers for me, Cynth and our family.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Happenings
For the longest time, Cynth and I have been so aware that things just don't happen. For everything that occurs happens under God's plan and his watchful gaze. I think of this because the re-telling of my story, our story reminds me of God's abiding presence in our life. And sharing parts of that story, here on this site from time to time and in the presence of good friends always serves to remind me of just what God has wrought and what he continues to do in me, Cynth and our family.
It occurs to me that evidence of man's longing is shown everywhere. In one place particular, the desire for fulfillment is overtly demonstrated: music. We have used songs to convey the emptiness inside that can only be filled with love. Some songs show a longer for other things, and in many of the love songs, the notion of love has been corrupted. Yet music, along with so many other venues illustrate the deep, deep longing that exists in us all, that can only be filled by our Creator as King of our soul and Lord of our life, while we try everything we can imagine to satisfy that longing.
And when we try to fill our selves with anything other than God who alone can fill us to satisfaction we experience, among other things, discontent. We also enter a cycle of looking for and trying things to feel significant and satisfied. In a sense, it is what we do to feel worthy, to feel justified to ourselves, to others, to whatever we feel we need to be justified for.
This has been our condition throughout our life. Thankfully, and without any regard to the glory he had, God gave up Jesus to show us our deep rooted sin and provide the way to repent and find our fulfillment, satisfaction and justification in him alone. God continues to work in every single part of life. And despite my understanding this intellectually, it is quite another matter to live in that truth. But with the help of the Holy Spirit daily to guide and work in us his sanctification, we are transformed little by little in his image, the restoration of what was suppers to be.
Restoration is what is evident in the songs of our culture. Earlier today, I heard the 1982 song "What's Forever For" sung by Michael Martin Murphy. The chorus is key to the restoration that we all long for:
So what's the glory in living?
Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore?
And if love never lasts forever, tell me what's Forever For?
Forever is to spent in the presence of our loving God, being what we were created to be from the beginning. And all we do is to respond to his call and agree with God that we are sinners deserving his wrath, but through his gracious gift of salvation, we have assurance of eternal life through the resurrection of Christ Jesus. We have all hope. So we can rest in him who loves us to the point of death in our place. The restoration is under way. And what a glorious journey, even through the valley, because he is with me, you, us every step of the way.
Now for a long weekend to rest up, enjoy some college football, maybe a date night with Cynth. Worship and the sacrament of communion on Sunday. We all live to worship, the important thing, ultimately, is the object of that worship. Is it you, a relationship, power, work, money? If it anything other than God, completely, give it to him and let him empty you of your idols so he can fill you with him, his son, and his spirit.
Scrumptious BBQ ribs, cheesy potato casserole and Caesar salad finished off with Red Devil cake. What a wonderful meal, by George!
It occurs to me that evidence of man's longing is shown everywhere. In one place particular, the desire for fulfillment is overtly demonstrated: music. We have used songs to convey the emptiness inside that can only be filled with love. Some songs show a longer for other things, and in many of the love songs, the notion of love has been corrupted. Yet music, along with so many other venues illustrate the deep, deep longing that exists in us all, that can only be filled by our Creator as King of our soul and Lord of our life, while we try everything we can imagine to satisfy that longing.
And when we try to fill our selves with anything other than God who alone can fill us to satisfaction we experience, among other things, discontent. We also enter a cycle of looking for and trying things to feel significant and satisfied. In a sense, it is what we do to feel worthy, to feel justified to ourselves, to others, to whatever we feel we need to be justified for.
This has been our condition throughout our life. Thankfully, and without any regard to the glory he had, God gave up Jesus to show us our deep rooted sin and provide the way to repent and find our fulfillment, satisfaction and justification in him alone. God continues to work in every single part of life. And despite my understanding this intellectually, it is quite another matter to live in that truth. But with the help of the Holy Spirit daily to guide and work in us his sanctification, we are transformed little by little in his image, the restoration of what was suppers to be.
Restoration is what is evident in the songs of our culture. Earlier today, I heard the 1982 song "What's Forever For" sung by Michael Martin Murphy. The chorus is key to the restoration that we all long for:
So what's the glory in living?
Doesn't anybody ever stay together anymore?
And if love never lasts forever, tell me what's Forever For?
Forever is to spent in the presence of our loving God, being what we were created to be from the beginning. And all we do is to respond to his call and agree with God that we are sinners deserving his wrath, but through his gracious gift of salvation, we have assurance of eternal life through the resurrection of Christ Jesus. We have all hope. So we can rest in him who loves us to the point of death in our place. The restoration is under way. And what a glorious journey, even through the valley, because he is with me, you, us every step of the way.
Now for a long weekend to rest up, enjoy some college football, maybe a date night with Cynth. Worship and the sacrament of communion on Sunday. We all live to worship, the important thing, ultimately, is the object of that worship. Is it you, a relationship, power, work, money? If it anything other than God, completely, give it to him and let him empty you of your idols so he can fill you with him, his son, and his spirit.
Scrumptious BBQ ribs, cheesy potato casserole and Caesar salad finished off with Red Devil cake. What a wonderful meal, by George!
Short Post
My apologies first for what will likely be my shortest post yet. An "emergency" at work near closing time resulted in a 13-hour work day and some follow-up work once I got home. And I just now finished. But that's alright, except for the time it stole from my family. Not good.
I just watched most of the Southern Mississippi v. Carolina game. Good for the Gamecocks, but that awful screeching sound . . . must get rid of that. Much prefer the Tiger roar, which I hope you will be just as trouble by when you visit Death Valley in November.
Mostly a good day today, despite the length. I did have a moment this morning when I felt the slightest nausea, but it quickly passed. I also felt a little fatigued about mid-day, but multiple meetings wouldn't permit much of a slow down. All in all, I can only thank God for continuing strength that permits me to work as I have been. I was a little concerned as we began treatment that I would have to use up all my leave and sick leave for all the appointments and the anticipated debilitating side effects. But this fear has only proved shallow. God does provide.
So, due to the lateness of the hour, I will close by saying that I am truly humbled that I get to share in this forum what I am experiencing spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. I may miss a time or two, but I write what I feel led to write, what I believe God wants me to share. And it has been such a great source of strength and peace that I know beyond all doubt is from God. So I will write as I am led, and I thank God for all you who are following, reading, encouraging with you comments, and praying. I do feel greatly sustained, and humbled at such overwhelming love and care.
Beef Lime Rice Salad tonight was perfectly "Hatch"ed by good friends who are a blessing to many.
I just watched most of the Southern Mississippi v. Carolina game. Good for the Gamecocks, but that awful screeching sound . . . must get rid of that. Much prefer the Tiger roar, which I hope you will be just as trouble by when you visit Death Valley in November.
Mostly a good day today, despite the length. I did have a moment this morning when I felt the slightest nausea, but it quickly passed. I also felt a little fatigued about mid-day, but multiple meetings wouldn't permit much of a slow down. All in all, I can only thank God for continuing strength that permits me to work as I have been. I was a little concerned as we began treatment that I would have to use up all my leave and sick leave for all the appointments and the anticipated debilitating side effects. But this fear has only proved shallow. God does provide.
So, due to the lateness of the hour, I will close by saying that I am truly humbled that I get to share in this forum what I am experiencing spiritually and emotionally as well as physically. I may miss a time or two, but I write what I feel led to write, what I believe God wants me to share. And it has been such a great source of strength and peace that I know beyond all doubt is from God. So I will write as I am led, and I thank God for all you who are following, reading, encouraging with you comments, and praying. I do feel greatly sustained, and humbled at such overwhelming love and care.
Beef Lime Rice Salad tonight was perfectly "Hatch"ed by good friends who are a blessing to many.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Comfortably Numb . . . ?
In 1979, Pink Floyd released The Wall, arguably one of their finest efforts. One song on the album apparently is based on a time when Roger Waters was given tranquilizers for stomach cramps before a Pink Floyd show two years earlier (according to Rolling Stone). As with a few of my musical interests, I am a Johnny-come-lately to an appreciation of Pink Floyd. And, as with much of the lyrics of groups such as Pink Floyd (too many to name here, but they may revealed later), I am a listener primarily of the bluesy guitar solos and the rest of the sound created by the music.
And before I leave you with the impression that I am ascribing to myself that I am somehow "Comfortably Numb" I assure you I am anything but. I will, however, appropriate an earlier Pink Floyd song for me, at least the first two lines: Breathe, breathe in the air, Don't be afraid to care . . ." It also has a questionable theme overall, but the attitude evoked in the opening lines, I believe, indicate an engagement in life. And that is where I believe I am supposed to be.
Before I go further, "Bob" has returned, my blood counts being good enough once avian to continue treatment. All praise and glory to our great God who is providing for us in ways we could not have imagined or dreamed of. Each day brings new mercies and new growth in him. Need proof? Read on, then dear ones.
The other day, I confessed some thoughts I had been harboring to Cynth. Many, many years ago when I was 10 or so, my Papa (Davenport) spent much of the Winter months (if I remember correctly) in and out of many, many hospitals. That has always stayed with me, and although I do enjoy all four seasons for their varied characters,I have always dreaded the thought of being sick (in the sense that I am now sick) during the Fall and Winter. I told Cynth that when we began this journey, I clung (maybe too tightly) to the "six" treatment cycles. My proof? That I have crossed off each day of treatment on my calendar at work. Let me be very real: first, I am not supposed to be sick; and secondly, I counted on six treatments to do the job. (Just how I square this with my expectation to experience at least the mean of side effects escapes me.)
Such a sentiment as the dread I feel now that I must acknowledge that there will be further treatment, and we believe it likely that that treatment will be chemo in some form, although recurring, does not last long. For my God is with me; he does not leave me in despair. He speaks his peace to me, infusing me with his comfort and calm through his word.
I have the evidence of his love and care for me in the truth that he did not withhold even his own Son, but when the time had been fulfilled, he sent Jesus to reach those whom he called. And at the appointed time, Jesus was betrayed and given over to man to judge, and then to condemn to death according to God's plan. Jesus endured the betrayal of his closest followers. He was beaten, bruised, scourged for our sins, and nailed to a cross. Jesus determined the time of his death, and having died, he was buried. Man sought to ensure that his body could not be stolen to "fulfill" the rumours of a resurrection if the disciples were to attempt to steal the body. They rolled a huge stone in front of the tomb, then placed a seal on the stone and placed guards at the stone. None of these could deter God in his plan. Jesus was raised the triumphant Christ as he said and for the next forty days he appeared to Peter, James, the other Disciples, and to 500 at one time. He suffered so all that believe on him might have eternal life. Even though I suffer, what is that to me?
At a time of God's choosing, even when my heart sought only my own desires, my own way, and at times my own truth, he softly called me, softened my heart, led me to acknowledge my sin and my desperate need of him and his salvation. He led me to repentance and a growing understanding of my ever present sinful nature, yet a growing desire for him to fill my heart, my soul, my life.
A favorite choral call to worship of mine from many, many years ago opens: "Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me." He breathed life into me, giving me spiritual rebirth. This is why I am not "comfortably numb."
Tonight 4 Davenports dined on premier Pasta Pesto Poultry and salad by a Lamb.
And before I leave you with the impression that I am ascribing to myself that I am somehow "Comfortably Numb" I assure you I am anything but. I will, however, appropriate an earlier Pink Floyd song for me, at least the first two lines: Breathe, breathe in the air, Don't be afraid to care . . ." It also has a questionable theme overall, but the attitude evoked in the opening lines, I believe, indicate an engagement in life. And that is where I believe I am supposed to be.
Before I go further, "Bob" has returned, my blood counts being good enough once avian to continue treatment. All praise and glory to our great God who is providing for us in ways we could not have imagined or dreamed of. Each day brings new mercies and new growth in him. Need proof? Read on, then dear ones.
The other day, I confessed some thoughts I had been harboring to Cynth. Many, many years ago when I was 10 or so, my Papa (Davenport) spent much of the Winter months (if I remember correctly) in and out of many, many hospitals. That has always stayed with me, and although I do enjoy all four seasons for their varied characters,I have always dreaded the thought of being sick (in the sense that I am now sick) during the Fall and Winter. I told Cynth that when we began this journey, I clung (maybe too tightly) to the "six" treatment cycles. My proof? That I have crossed off each day of treatment on my calendar at work. Let me be very real: first, I am not supposed to be sick; and secondly, I counted on six treatments to do the job. (Just how I square this with my expectation to experience at least the mean of side effects escapes me.)
Such a sentiment as the dread I feel now that I must acknowledge that there will be further treatment, and we believe it likely that that treatment will be chemo in some form, although recurring, does not last long. For my God is with me; he does not leave me in despair. He speaks his peace to me, infusing me with his comfort and calm through his word.
I have the evidence of his love and care for me in the truth that he did not withhold even his own Son, but when the time had been fulfilled, he sent Jesus to reach those whom he called. And at the appointed time, Jesus was betrayed and given over to man to judge, and then to condemn to death according to God's plan. Jesus endured the betrayal of his closest followers. He was beaten, bruised, scourged for our sins, and nailed to a cross. Jesus determined the time of his death, and having died, he was buried. Man sought to ensure that his body could not be stolen to "fulfill" the rumours of a resurrection if the disciples were to attempt to steal the body. They rolled a huge stone in front of the tomb, then placed a seal on the stone and placed guards at the stone. None of these could deter God in his plan. Jesus was raised the triumphant Christ as he said and for the next forty days he appeared to Peter, James, the other Disciples, and to 500 at one time. He suffered so all that believe on him might have eternal life. Even though I suffer, what is that to me?
At a time of God's choosing, even when my heart sought only my own desires, my own way, and at times my own truth, he softly called me, softened my heart, led me to acknowledge my sin and my desperate need of him and his salvation. He led me to repentance and a growing understanding of my ever present sinful nature, yet a growing desire for him to fill my heart, my soul, my life.
A favorite choral call to worship of mine from many, many years ago opens: "Spirit of the living God, fall fresh on me." He breathed life into me, giving me spiritual rebirth. This is why I am not "comfortably numb."
Tonight 4 Davenports dined on premier Pasta Pesto Poultry and salad by a Lamb.
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