I had a most blessed phone call today. We sat and talked over the recent (Thursday, this week) news regarding the scan results from August 23. I realized that I may have left a few points undeveloped.
The doctor that reviewed and reported the scan to Dr Felice reported "multiple pulmonary nodules" that had not changed in size or number when compared to the previous scans. She went on. "There are several uncalcified pulmonary nodules throughout the lungs . . . Which presumably represent small metastatic lesions." Earlier scans indicated what two doctors have thus far described as "scar tissue" in the lower lobes of both lungs, presumably from a childhood illness. These did show in previous scans, except in the PET scan, which lends some validity to the "scar tissue" description.
Next, the reviewing doctor describes a "subcentimeter hypodensity in the midpole of the right kidney . . . too small to accurately characterize by CT." Again, the previous scan that would help clarify here was the earlier MRI and the PET. And lastly, the doctor noted the bladder "is partially collapsed" but she continued that it is "unremarkable." Well! Thanks, Doc.
Dr Felice told Cynth on Thursday last, that when a diagnosis of cancer is known, they look for anything that might be cancer, and since the CEA score and liver enzymes were significantly lowered, I think the scan reviewer was probably just being very thorough in the report. The bladder, though, I will leave unremarkably (nothing significant to note about it). Now all has been fairly descriptively explained.
Today began with breakfast, fixed by your truly, as has been the case on a few other Saturdays: eggs, bacon, grits (not instant) and toast. I even had a little coffee (I had stopped drinking coffee in late May or June for reasons not connected with the cancer). Overall a pretty good day, just a little tired and still feeling some pain and discomfort, although not nearly as bad as earlier in the week. I was able to complete a few things on the list, and one or so things not on the list, so a pretty good day overall. Then the phone call.
And I had new insight. I've talked about calling, work, the circumstances in life, trials and where God is in all these things. I've tried to put words to how I try to approach the day. And even though I might intellectually get it, walking this path has made it very real, and more so since the call this afternoon. It really doesn't matter. Sure, we make plans that have significance and meaning to us. Our work, our relationships, our time and our possessions all have some significance to us - even in limited ways we are defined by them.
Then change comes. Maybe for the better, but maybe not. What then? That is when it hit me square between the eyes. For me to question God about "why me" this or "why not me" thus, is to try to approach him while thumping my chest overly proud and even to suggest that I alone am qualified to handle the task, whatever it may be. But see this through his eyes.
He told Moses that his name is "I AM," meaning he is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. He created everything that is simply by the power of his word. And he breathed into man, whom he created in his own image, the breath of life. And what he wants from me is not the work of my hands, or the results of my labor, but my heart - bowed before him in worship, giving him all praise, honor and glory. Whether my day really is good - and they have been good, every day along this road has been good - or my day is bad, my calling and duty as his child is to worship him and sing his praise. And when I enter the day worshiping and I praise him throughout the day, even if some difficulty befall me, I am lifted up to him. Not quite like Isaiah in chapter 6, but something like Moses who asked to see his face, but was allowed only to see his glory as he passed by.
Today (it is Sunday already) I will join with all of you and the rest of the body of Christ as we gather for worship. Think of that - all our voices and spirits raised in worship of God the Father Almighty together with all the saints who have gone before. Now think of that, as you worship in the stillness of your heart throughout the week. How can one possibly say to God, "why me?" or even "why not me?" Why don't we try "because of you, Father," also "because of your Son?"
May your worship, today and every day, fill you with his Spirit as you go about the work he has given you to do, and bring glory and honor to him who loves us. Amen
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