Appointments

We did make it home with Rachael at about 4:30pm Sunday after about six hours or so on the road. We had a great visit, the ABT produced a great show Saturday and it didn't take long to load her stuff in the car. The only downside to the weekend was a significantly restless night Friday night, cause unknown. Otherwise, it was good to be out and away, even for those few days.

This week has been the week of appointments: my Georgetown appointment Monday, Rachael's orthodontist appointment Tuesday, my appointment with radiation oncology Wednesday (follow-up). And there may be a few other's I've forgotten. Regardless, we'll have all this behind us as we join the Alter's, Pruett's and William's at Nag's Head for a week. Well, at least the appointments, but not the aftermath, will be done.

I only want to touch on the Georgetown visit briefly. They were surprised that we were back to visit them. After recapping the last six months for them, their surprise deepened when they learned that chemo was stopped completely. They were stymied to know the decision to send us back to Georgetown to revisit the opportunities for clinical trial was made on a dirth of evidence. It was all very confusing and overwhelming, and I did not really want to be there in the first place. Hopefully an August 3rd appointment with Dr Felice will straighten out those conditions.

The visit with Dr Altemus went good, although a new, recently experienced pain (I thought it manifested in the femur near the top) was discussed. A simple demonstration of crossing my legs and she was convinced that the pain was likely in the joint. After the visit yesterday, I was able to get a regular x-ray of my pelvis and the right hip. The results of that film says the hip is clean, so now we go to an MRI to see if anything is there. The pain has been gone all day today.

Sandwiched between those two appointments was Rachael's ortho appointment. Now after several years, all our children are brace-free. And as with both boys, Rachael has a beautiful smile, even before the braces came off. Years of fighting about the rubber bands, ortho visits for repairs or adjustments, things they were not supposed to eat, and cleanings are over. They have, each one persevered although at the time they could not imagine either the day without braces nor the resulting beauty of the work.

We don't have physical braces, but woven throughout our life are those days and circumstances God uses to teach, correct, and adjust. Without the painful correcting of our lives with his will, we would never see the beauty that we are meant for. We cannot imagine the result God has planned, and attempts to define in the abstract a possible outcome pales when the reality of a life spent in faith in the fullness of his light. May the anticipation of the beauty we all will become ease the burden of the braces he uses to prepare us for that beauty.

Sleepless Nights

One night after a very unrestful, nearly sleepless night, we have Rachael and are on our way home. For her first night, I was able to pull off the surprise of a lifetime (well, so far). Rachael has been at the University of Alabama attending the American Ballet Theater's Summer Dance Intensive for the last three weeks. Since this kind of program is very strictly structured, many of Rach's normal routines were disrupted. So as we arrived at our hotel room tonight at midnight, I sought to give Rach the nightly snack she often craves: a bowl of cereal and milk (I may have even been restored to favored status). Of course, Rach danced beautifully, looked as if she had grown a foot - so graceful.

I cannot explain my restless night last night. All I know is I was hot then cold then hot again. I couldn't get comfortable any way I tried. For most of the night I could only get a short amount of sleep at a given time. I have had no pain since early last week, but I have kept up with the long acting pain medication. Until last night, that is. I missed the six pm dose. Whether that contributed to my tiresome night, I do not know, but if it did, I dread stopping the med like the plague.

For my closing thoughts tonight, I only wish to make an apology. The offended parties likely will know after I described what I did. It was silly really, but there is no excuse. I was simply trying to be funny in a response to something said to me by two people on two separate times today. Funny was not required, but there I was trying to sieze the moment and hoping to create something I could play off of the other's comment. In each case, my response was not hurtful, but could have been taken that way. Certainly in the replay of the transaction, it could have been deemed to have been hurtful. For the hurt I caused in each occasion to two people I love very much, I am deeply, truly sorry.

As you pray today, please remember our trip home. We should be on the way at about eight with an anticipated arrival at about four pm. We thank you for your continued prayers.

Pain and Joy

Did I mention that dates have begun to run together? I have a difficult time keeping some of my appointment data straight. Some dates that are big in the course of the last year or so, like my most recent MRI scan (June 2) or the date I finished radiation (June 20) I remember pretty well. Follow-up appointments when specific things were discussed, etc. do not come to mind so easily. Very, very frustrating.

Another example? Before I give that up, many, many years ago (32 now) my mom married a wonderful man. He is a great step-father to me and a grand grand-father to our children. But for all his wonderful qualities, Bob has some quirks. Bob has a very unique manner of conveying when things are not going well. This usually comes on when there is a bit of calamitous news, or circumstances that usually means more work to reach a satisfactory resolution. Just as I cannot remember when the pain in my side began, neither can I remember when I was reminded of Bob's exclamation, "Oh, my achin' back."

Far from being a pessimist, Bob runs the gamut of emotion, experiencing joy as well. He has a unique way of conveying his delight at good news or fortuitous circumstances. I've been reminded of this twice in recent weeks, once when my achin' back pain began to diminish, and the other this past Wednesday night, when Cynth and I watched Disney's "Secretariat" (an excellent movie). The movie soundtrack brought to mind a long forgotten nugget.

I like my iPod precisely because I can listen to the soundtrack of my life in a nice mix. While watching "Secretariat," I became aware that there was something missing from my music. It was a song recorded by the Edwin Hawkins Singers in 1967 and played on Top 40 radio when I was a young boy. Whenever Bob wanted to give evidence of his joy, he reminded me of this song, "Oh, Happy Day." You will not hear anything like that song ever again on mainstream radio.

I miss that. To be able to sing so freely of the work Jesus has done in my life, to feel such joy because he is my lord and master. What more testimony is there? Thank God for Edwin Hawkins and his desire to record "Oh, Happy Day." And than you, Bob for "oh my achin' back is what makes "Oh, Happy Day" so joyous.

Oh Happy Day
Oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
Oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
When jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
oh, when he washed
(when jesus washed)
when jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
he washed my sins away!
(oh, happy day)
Ah, happy day
(oh, happy day)
Oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
When jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
oh when he washed
(when jesus washed)
when jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
he washed my sins away!
(oh, happy day)
Ah, it's a happy day
(oh, happy day)
(he taught me how)
he taught me how
(to watch)
(fight and pray)
(fight and pray)
(and he'll rejoice)
(in things we say)
(everyday)
Oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
When jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
oh, when he washed
(when jesus washed)
when jesus washed
(when jesus washed)
he washed my sins away!
(oh, happy day)
Ah, happy day
(oh, happy day)
(he taught me how)
he taught me how
(to watch)
(fight and pray)
(fight and pray)
(and he'll rejoice)
(in things we say)
(everyday)
Oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
oh, happy day
(oh, happy day)
(oh, happy day)
Repeat

Strength for the Day

Now I've done it! I really did sit and watch the entire All-Star game, first pitch to final out. Yes, it was baseball, even if some of the "routine" game elements, like a manager's strategy, were not really prominent. Only once did it seem that there actually might've been a plan - National League at bat with a runner at third and runner goes on a ball hit back to pitcher (out at plate), and if that is so, it would appear someone missed the sign (was that supposed to be a squeeze?). It is those elements of the game that make baseball enjoyable in a way different from football, basketball, hockey, or curling. I had to through that last one in - I am so ready for the next Winter Olympics (2014, Sochi, Russia).

Anyway, this morning's sunrise reminded me of my time at Air Force ROTC Field Training, the six or seven weeks I spent at Tyndall AFB, Panama City, FL in July and August 1984. You know the kind of morning: blue-grey clouds in the east with daylight breaking through, turning into small cumulus clouds overhead and west. I am in awe of such beauty that is regularly though not simply just another supernatural acknowledgment of God and his work.

(Picking up early Wednesday evening.) His work. As he tells us through the Psalmist, "The earth is the LORD's and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, . . ." A little later, we find that God is not only the creator, but he is interested in his creation. "He determines the number of the stars; he gives to all of them their names." And to show that God cares for man, "When I look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?

I still need reminding that I am not dealing with or facing anything that God didn't know about before hand. And because he is not surprised by my cancer, the pain, the fatigue, the dry mouth and all the other annoyances of the past year and a few weeks, then I have to conclude that he is supplying my every need, from mental to physical to emotional to spiritual.

He understands that as the creature I am finite and cannot see or even comprehend what may be just around the next turn of the page. And so I am given to moments that press down on me like a heavy weight, causing a barrage of emotional turmoil. God is sufficient for that period, and we walk through it and out into his piercing light. To state that I don't like this, that I'm ready, any time, for it to be over is in a way superfluous. God already knows this about me, and he hates it, too. Likely more than I do. It is not the way our life was intended to be.

So what? So Cynth and I, along with others whose faith allows, can freely talk about this disease taking me, and the impact of that on so many matters. I can go to my office and begin to pack up some of my personal things because the day may soon come when I won't be able to work as I have, and I don't want someone else to have to gather up my stuff. By the way, we can (and do) talk about what we want to do two months, six, twelve, or two years, four, eight down the road.

Neither of us, nor our doctors have any clue at the moment what may come. We're not worried, nor are we scared. Yes, it is daunting to face such uncertainty and more so to try to do so by "keeping a stiff upper lip." and while it may seem outwardly to be the same, there is all the difference in this world when you face the uncertainty from God's side, trusting him who neither slumbers nor sleeps completely, even when the news is not good, precisely because he is. He promises to never leave nor forsake. That is who we have fighting on our behalf and comforting when it gets dark.

Date Nights and All-Stars

Another date night tonight (Saturday). This time it was a shopping date, some surprise items for Rachael as she returns home after three weeks in Tuscaloosa on Friday, July 15. The American Ballet Theater will do two shows Saturday, after which we will be on our way back for the Georgetown appointment (Monday, July 18, 10:30). The driving's going to be split between my bride and I, so we ask for your prayers for continuing reliance on God as our source of strength for the drive, in and of itself, and for each other when individually we are doing the driving (just kidding).

(It is now Monday night.) One year and 188 posts have passed since the last Major League Baseball All Star Game. Although we have watched more baseball than in recent memory, I am not sure I feel any different regarding the mid-summer classic than I did last year. We may watch a little bit, but an advance look at the lineups and you see they heavily favor as few as three teams for both leagues, when there is a great deal of goodtalent that won't be playing tomorrow night. The Futures All-Star game Sunday night was pretty good. Up and coming minor leaguers star in their own version of the All-Star game having been selected by Baseball America into two teams, depending on birthplace.

This week begins with little to no pain in my back. I have decreased significantly the amount of pain medication. I am still fighting fatigue even into the weekends now. But none of this matters. What makes a difference for me is what God has called me to, and whether I am up to the task. I know, deep inside, that it is not about me, but like Peter and Paul and many others, I want to finish well (notice the selfishness). My wanting, though is for God's glory to be magnified. Even then, there is the slightest hint of me in that because of my hope to help magnify him, as if he needs me.

Maybe that is where I need to start. He needs me? There is not a single thing I bring to him that isn't as filthy rags. On my own, I would be condemned before him. He would be just to pour out all his wrath upon me for my sin. Yet he took my punishment on himself, giving me salvation and eternal life with him. As far as him needing me for anything, he doesn't need me . . . He wants me. He delights in me and so I join all of creation as it sings his glory.

Expecting God

The weekend is here. A short work week due to the holiday, which affected the remainder of the week. We're also in the midst of vacation time. All this means that the week just completed, and possibly even the coming week are quite slow with few customer interactions. That provided ample time for work on other, longer term projects. Some of those projects might be policy documents, briefings, even maintaining currency on task lists (sounds all exciting, huh?).

Tonight Cynth and I had a date night. We had a very little bite for some dinner, then we took in a movie. Our first date night in a long while. Dinner was a very little bite because neither of us was all that hungry, one having had a late lunch, and the other simply didn't have much in mind for dinner. The movie hadn't received good reviews from critics and some goers, but we wanted to see for ourselves. The critics have it wrong, in our estimation.

Maybe it is just that actual subjective experience never quite matches expectations. Or maybe our experience doesn't line up with our anticipated idea. Regardless, just as Jesus had to get around some of his followers. He didn't want their notions of the anticipated Messiah to get in the way of what God wanted to do through his disciples.

The last thing I expected was that I would be able to reduce my pain medication to the level I am now taking, based on where I had been with my pain experiences. But neither could I expect to understand how God has used this for my good, ultimately. And so, slowly I am improving. I hope that soon I will be done with the pain medication. Maybe there will be an opportunity there for God to work in someone else's life.

Lies and Deceit

I was going to open this post by saying that the past several weeks has witnessed some extraordinary attacks on the truth, but then I remembered that the attacks have been going on for a lot longer - since Eden, in fact - than just the last several weeks. The attacks against truth, then, continues at all levels and all its myriad methods. I guess I will always be surprised by the legs that some lies have, how they can show up in the unlikeliest of places even after truth had quashed the attack.

A recent story in our favorite paper, The Washington Times, describes the leader of an Egyptian group who agrees with the Iranian president that the Holocaust is a lie. He believes that there is some truth to the forced incarceration of hundreds of thousands of Jews, just not the millions claimed by historical accounts, and he certainly doesn't accept the mass killings. Additionally, he disputes that Usama bin Ladin was not skilled enough to have led the September 11, 2001 attacks in the U.S. Craziness all around.

I did not research how often it is used, but I think it is most likely a safe guess that lie (as it refers to not telling the truth), deceit (in all forms) and falsehood are likely used the most when God is revealing the heart of man. Doesn't it bear out that deceitfulness and a general lack of honesty pervades our society? Of course, the motivation behind the lie is to prevent being found out. Not just about the thing which gave opportunity for the lie, but about us. Who we really are. It is why God holds deceit and the one who practices it in such disdain. It offends God's character.

It offends us. The Deceiver "steals" trust. Deceit necessitates that we abuse our words, our own character means nothing at all (sort of a "lies don't affect who we are"). Actually, we have adopted the philosophy that only the immediate is appropriate to discern by. This way, we can refute any attempt to correct our error and any attack on our character.

It may actually be worse to be pleased to hear the lie, but that will have to wait until another post. Since this has taken longer to complete than I planned, I will tell you that we have an appointment at The Lombardi Center for Cancer at Georgetown University on Monday, July 18, at 10:30am. We ask you to pray with us that God would be very clear in the way we should go with this visit.

#202 - Thank you, LORD!

Well, here are words I've waited a while to say: I am definitely experiencing a decrease in frequency and severity of pain. On July 4th I took the least amount of pain medication since this specific chapter began over a month ago. I continue to take a longer acting pain medication twice daily, and a shorter term medication as needed through the day. I am still hopeful for pain free and off the pain medication soon, as we continue to wait for word from Georgetown.

Fatigue remains as the singularly most hampering side effect through all circumstances. I really hate the fatigue, since it presents itself relentless in taking hold of me. Even if I try to keep active in an effort to keep the fatigue at a minimum, I begin to feel really awful. I sit for a minute, and pretty soon I am falling asleep, despite any effort to deny the fatigue. What I hate more is the impact or affect my tiredness is having on others, because no matter how this is handled, there is a significant impact on others.

Then there is my attempt to understand what is going on. These recent events have to be examined in the wider picture of my cancer in all it's particulars and the plan ahead for maintaining the disease, "stable." Well to tell the truth, I am not actively trying to pick apart everything and put all the pieces back together again. But the pieces do float by in my mind on occasion. Either way, I have some opportunity to consider the coming days and beyond, ever mindful that God is present and giving strength to endure.

Again, the hymn "It is Well Wih My Soul" continues as an anchoring point. I am reminded of other hymns, spiritual songs, some Psalms and other Scripture that describe the believer as he is in the midst of confusion, darkness, his own storm, and yet in the midst of trouble all round, he waits on the salvation from God that he knows will come. My experience looking beyond is not unlike this.

I am confident that God is at work in me, with my spirit and my disease. We're still hopeful for healing, complete and whole. And simultaneously, I am thankful that he is bringing my frailty, my finiteness to mind. I don't want to be in a place where I have an option to not hold fast to God. In turning this over to him over a year ago, it was a transaction in toto. Nothing was left for me alone. In this I am strengthened. All glory to God for his faithfulness to walk with me in the valley.

Choice

This morning on the way to worship, Cynth asked if I was still having pain. Unfortunately the answer is still yes, but there are qualifiers. In most regards the pain has decreased to a manageable level. By that I mean that when I get in front of the pain, and so long as I don't make any breakdancing moves, I won't have any pain. Anything other than that and I am due for at least some twinges.

So it's Independence Day. Happy 235th, America! I always pause to think about the extraordinary steps that were taken by men who believed that something greater than themselves compelled them to action. Their days were filled with choices. Any one of them could've made decisions affecting the outcome; some did. But even those decisions were scrapped eventually when compromise rendered an acceptable course.

Compromise seems to go hand in hand with choices these days. Compromise isn't always a bad thing, but it does often resulting in unintended consequences. Most often we go through our lives, compromising our faith instead of shoring up against the tide. When finally we begin to hold fast, we gain strength for the next opportunity. Prayer emboldens us, and acknowledgement that Christ left his glory behind to take on human form in humility, he did not compromise.

Compromise is he short way around the track. It leaves something vital to our growth in Christ out of our walk. By our compromise, we try to have both the righteous king and our way. Uncompromising faith is the cure to this our flawed method of choosing. We cannot compromise the terms of our salvation: full, contrition-fueled repentance, and a heart for loving as God loved.

Choices made when prayer and steadfast faith are the guiding principles is difficult but equipping, empowering. As the line in the hymn goes,"Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine with ten thousand beside."

Happy Independence Day!

Order is to Chaos, as Community is to Village

Happy Middle of the Year! (Intended for a Friday night posting.)

Despite the fact that the shortest period of darkness/longest period of daylight was June 21, the mathematical middle of the year occurs on the 182.5 Julian Day on a non-leap year, at some time during the day today. It is an odd thing to note, I know, but kind of neat to recognize the order that clearly exists all round.

About sixteen days ago Cynth and I began celebrating our 26th year together. Seventeen days ago we celebrated a year of surviving. Another milestone will be upon us soon: a year since we began treatment (chemo with Bob), this Thursday, July 7. There are others, but this one is a key date. I mentioned having some memory trouble earlier this week. While it is true that I have lately been having trouble remembering when my last dose was, or when before that did I restart, all but the earliest events of this journey are burned into my mind.

Of course the remembering is important for the frame of reference, and even more so since my whole world changed on that very memorable day one year and twenty two days ago (June 9). This reminds me of my interest in ancestry. I haven't yet given a lot of time or money to researching family history, and it is possible that that lack of effort betrays my stated desire to know more about my family. Regardless, definitely knowing past events provides some sense of "all right-ness" to our world, especially when viewed from a proper vantage.

It sustains and confirms values. God wanted Israel to remember whence they had been brought and the mercy shown them to inform their relationship to God and to their neighbors. Secretary of State Clinton was almost right with her book "It takes A Village . . ." If by village we mean that community that acknowledges the benevolence of divine provider, protector, and judge. That community, still far from perfect for it is inhabited by depraved, imperfect people, would approach their daily lives and relationships understanding the faults of their nature, and to the extent possible, allow that understanding to form the basis of their interactions.

We experience this community, albeit somewhat limited. I've made numerous mention of the many meals we've been blessed with over the last year by so many from our church. You should know that many in our church come from as far away as 30 miles to attend this church. So some of these folks would have to travel a long distance to bring us a meal. We've had offers for all manner of assistance that we are so appreciative of. In our cul-de-sac, a neighbor next to us has mowed our front lawn on a couple of occasions. Another neighbor, two doors down, has mowed our entire lawn the last two times it has been mowed, taking us completely by surprise. How good is God?

I realize this has been rambling in a sense, and that is disheartening, since I mention order above. But all the "good" described as the result of God's faithful hand comes from "order" wrought out of the chaos we all bring to him.

Who's That Singing?

I am not superstitious, but I am a little hesitant to announce that today was a really good day, a day relatively pain "free." I put that in quotes because there was moderate discomfort and, at times, a twinge, though I wouldn't say it was sharp. This morning was a little odd anyway.

Ordinarily I am already feeling hungry when I get up and begin getting ready for work, but since we try to eat breakfast all together at work, I can hold it off until I get there and everyone is ready. Today, however, I didn't have any hunger feeling, and as soon as I had my oatmeal prepared and joined my officemates, this wave of nausea swept over me, complete with beginning sweat and activated saliva.

So I parked my self in the men's room around the corner from my office and waited. A couple of small belches later, and the feeling passed. I am glad I didn't go to the nurse's station for the nausea just to belch and feel suddenly better! The remainder of the morning was uneventful, except for the occasional twinge occurring when I would move like I normally would when nothing is wrong.

Rachael on the Right

Rachael in the Center

If I may, I'd like to brag. My little girl, in this her first Summer dance intensive with the American Ballet Theater of New York, earned a spot in the second highest placement class. I don't know ballet or dance beyond a smidge of Shag (naturally) and square dancing (not quite so naturally), but I know what is beauty. And this side of eternity, in a worldly sense, when we find beauty we want to experience it to the fullest. When Rachael and her dance academy or her dance company perform there is beauty.

I have to keep my enthusiasm in check when I am complimenting her, for I am afraid of what constant praise might affect her. I think of the years gone by, and how often I have seen her dance. I know a little something of the work she puts into dancing. But the pride I have for her is not felt because of her work put into dance, nor is it because there is beauty in her dance. I am proud of her because she is my daughter. I am equally proud of Caleb and Aaron because they are my sons.

We can be proud of our children like this, just because, without any reason to be so. And when they get into trouble, make poor decisions, face consequences of their actions, we turn our back to them because we cannot believe they would be so whatever, right? Wrong! Disappointment is tough to live with, and we parents can make it all the tougher by laying on our own disappointment, letting that fester to a scourge ready to unleash, or just by laying on the guilt.

God demonstrates how we are to respond. We receive them back into our heart, we put our "robe" on them, and we have a party to welcome them back. I realize I am taking a few liberties with the illustration, but stick with me, please. All of us, each and every one, rebels against God, although his law is written on our hearts and he has revealed himself to us so that we are "without excuse."

Our rebellion causes separation here, and the risk of eternal separation if we persist in our rebellion and do not come to know, love and honor him as lord and savior. Yet while we are rebels against God, even as we are named as his enemies, he loves us. He loves us such that he provides the sacrifice that by faith enables us to be reconciled to him. By his grace this is freely given, so that our sin once forgiven cannot any longer separate us from God. When we agree with God, confessing our sinful ways and repent, he clothes us with (Christ's) righteousness, and gives us the assurance of the hope we have in eternity with him at his table.

We are his "prized possession," his "treasure." He delights in us, he rejoices over us. From Zephaniah 3:17, "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." He died for us. He died for us so that we might live eternally with him. What an awesome God we serve. Amen.