Tomorrow I'll find out whether I resume treatment or not. The scans of May 13 shows stable, if not decreasing (size of lesions on the liver) disease. No new disease, and the bone scan did not show any reaction of the body to abnormalities in the bone. The CT scan did note that there appears to have been a two millimeter growth in two of the largest nodules in my right lung, but they are still sub-centimeter and thus cannot be biopsied. The apparent increase in size can be explained as a difference in where on the nodule the measurement was taken on January 17 as compared to where on the nodule the measurement was taken this time. All in all, a good report. A CEA marker score is to be available tomorrow, and I should begin taking the Xeloda (back to four 500mg pills twice a day) but this time without the Oxalaplatin. Dr Felice is trying to rule out a cumulative effect of the chemo as the cause of the diarrhea and resulting weakness and dehydration.
A little jewel from today's sermon: good feelings, positive feelings are just that, nothing more. Kinda flies in the face of the influence of Dr. Peale, does it not? We all want to feel good, and thinking positive is certainly a way to produce good feelings. But the problem is the real world, and what happens to us when we encounter that world armed only with our good feelings and positive thinking. How many people, say just in the last century, might've been so much better off facing a real world in the knowledge of the brokenness of that world, in a relationship with the God who came to walk with each of us in this failing world?
When will we realize, or better, acknowledge, that we also are flawed. We set up expectations of how things are to be in our perfect world, then we cannot cope when the reality of the broken world dashes our goal to the ground. In the least, disappointment creeps in. After a while, when more disappointments come, the disillusionment and cynicism grows. And we begin to try to find reasons for the failure, but never ourselves.
We are so prone to fear, but we cloak it in the desires of our natural heart, that sin nature we are in constant battle with over our confession and God-seeking. The fear that grips us gives way to our plans and schemes to overcome our fears, mostly independent of God. We forget the Gospel, that the Sovereign Lord of Creation came and lived among us, taking on our flesh and bones to live the life we couldn't even to taking the death that was ours so that we could have life everlasting, by believing in him and trusting him, living in obedience to him.
As it has been said before: what will you do with Jesus? There is only obedience or disobedience. It seems as if we share the Gospel with someone and they would be okay either way - no consequence to choosing not to submit to his Lordship, but "living forever" if they do. I think it not only right but imperative to let the lost know that their decision is a life-or-death decision, that this chance (oportunity right here, right now) will make the difference between obedience leading to life and disobedience that brings death. And you know what? If we believe in him, submit to him, then we can have no fear because he has power over all, and that he walks with us to meet all our needs.
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