Wednesday. September 29, 2010. 9:11PM (or 2111 for you military types). Treatment #7 underway.
The blood count is again high enough to continue treatment. And we should know on Friday a new CEA score. Just as in golf, a lower number is better, so we are praying to that end. We also took the opportunity to ask many questions - about the fatigue (likely will increase as we go forward, but praying that it won't), about a recent development of headaches on the right side of my head and behind the right eye (initial thought based on questions they had for me is that it is not related to the cancer or the treatments, so we'll keep an eye on it (no pun intended), a rash that appears (this is chemo related), about the odd smells I keep experiencing (began roughly two or three years ago, a long story, but it seems that a burning smell is a possible indicator of a brain tumor, but I have none of the other symptoms that would also be present, so this is not a worry). All in all, I am, in the words of our physicians assistant, Lindsey, doing really well and look good. My weight, instead of decreasing, is increasing - gotta do something about that. But I am eating like it is outta style (possibly a SC colloquialism).
Many of you have noted how it is wonderful that I am able to work, even that my supervisors are prepared to work with me on my schedule if I should need the time off. It is true - I have a great work environment. If I had to characterize it, I had have to lead off with the term "family." We all come from vastly different backgrounds, and range in age from early fifties to mid-twenties. We each have different faith backgrounds. And it is for some of them that I have been praying for opportunity to share Christ. Today I had that opportunity again.
As I talked to someone last night, someone whose husband, Leonard, needs your prayers also, I mentioned that we (Cynth and I) have discussed much about this journey we are on. I told her that my fear is of leaving Cynth here for what could be a long time by herself. She (the someone) said she has been selfish, praying that she not lose her husband. Cynth, in the first weeks of this walk, told me, "You can't leave me." And you know my fear (above). But we have discovered something - God who made us, who knows what we need before we think it or ask, who has known us before time and knows the numbers of the hair on our head - who even now is working in my life, in Cynth's life through this illness, and who knows how this will end will doubtless take care of Cynth, my children and whomever may be left here. In fact, I believe he already has all those details - whatever those plans may be - worked out and in his time perfectly ordained will work them out according to his perfect will. To believe anything else would be to have to trust in those things I know will fail me, and invite much frustration and depression.
As I have said before - Do I have doubt? Fear? Anger? Frustration? And do I sometime rage against this that has been dealt to me? Yes. A co-worker today replied that they don't get to see that manifested in me in response to me telling him that I am not as strong as he perceives. It is true that I don't show those feelings - I feel that I cannot, for I truly believe and trust that this is all part of God's bigger story of redemption, reconciliation and restoration. No doubt that this is not at all what I ever would have thought or dreamed I would be going through, especially at this time. But to try to fight against God on this is simply to put me above everything else that is - God, Cynth, my kids, my family and friends, my church, my country - all that I hold dear. It would be to deny the change that has been wrought in my life, in my heart.
Imperfectly as it may be, I do not hold sway over my heart, for I have given it to God for his throne, and each day that I have is given to him, again, it is imperfect, for him to use through me for his glory, my edification and the building of his kingdom. And though it is hard to say this, I must acknowledge that it is my humble honor and privilege to be so blessed, used by our Great God. My praise is what I was created for - may I have his strength and spirit to praise him when I have no reason, humanly speaking, to do so.
Tonight, a wonderful Watkins Stew to accompany a cool, rainy evening. What an outpouring of God's love we have witnessed these many weeks. God bless you all.
