After a week confident that I knew the next phase, the plan for treatment, it all changed in the blink of an eye. Well, not exactly a blink. On Monday, I called to Georgetown to tell them that I was in pretty significant pain and was having trouble controlling it. Nurse Rose told me not to worry, that they would try to respond with another pain med modification.
Everyone, me most of all, were banking on my ability to get the pain under control so the chemo in the trial could go on. If the pain could not be controlled, I could lose this slot in this trial. No one wanted that. But I could not complete Monday's work, leaving at about 10:44. The remainder of the day was spent trying to find a comfortable position. I even called Georgetown to tell them of my inability to control the pain thinking that would prompt a move toward radiation and declining the trial for now. Monday went by with no appreciable change in the pain. I slept reasonably good, so Tuesday dawned and our plan was to continue as we had planned before - beginning the trial.
No sooner had I sat in the chair with Emerson, the oncology nurse practioner for Dr Pishvaian, and I could not get comfortable. I am answering his questions regarding the events of the past seven days, but under increasing discomfort. Finally, I asked if I could lay on the examination table. When he had to ask me why, I initially said I was tired, but later corrected the cause as discomfort. But the discussion from there centered on appetite, fatigue, and the pain. I mentioned my call of the day before, and he gave his recommendation to keep the option of the trial open while we talked to the radiation oncologist. I have no way of knowing if they have anyone else in consideration for this trial, but I couldn't hold someone else up if it meant this trial could help them.
God's ways and his timing are perfect. When the oncologist, Dr Hwang, came in the room, he told us that the labs from that morning showed an increase in a liver enzyme off the chart high, making me ineligible for this trial at this time. Thus the answer about the slot for the trial, and our way forward to radiation. This all happened Tuesday, we scheduled and attend the pre-radiation appointment Wednesday and we begin radiation on Thursday. The treatment will last 10 business days which puts the end at around September 8, since the time will include Labor Day.
That covers the latest physically, but I cannot close without covering a few things spiritual, emotional, and mental. Last Thursday, after we had begun the "tweaked" pain management regimen, and it seemed to have a great effect, at least until Sunday into Monday. But it was really Monday and Tueday together that I felt completely weak and helpless. I firmly believed that I could not take nine weeks of chemo, knowing that soon my pain would be out of control and I would have no chance to manage it at a comfortable level. This weakness I felt, even to a point of abandonment, despite the fight I was having that God said he would never leave me nor forsake me. Of course, my feelings gave way to fear, because I let them, even knowing how dangerous following feelings can be.
The bottom line? God had not abandoned me. He gave me this gift to voice what I was feeling, experiencing and agonizing over, so he could show his faithfulness as my heavenly father. More than that he reinforced his promises to be with me. Many whom I have told of this has responded back that he is holding me, each day he is walking with me, so that I don't fall. God is good, all the time. And in the words of a special song this past Sunday, it is so good to know that "I Need Thee Every Hour," and when I come to him, he blesses me so I do not doubt.
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